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> 















THE KINGDOM of WHY 



I 




King Danna insisted on Lucile’s riding by his side 


THE 

KINGDOM 0/ WHY 


BEING THE STRANGE STORY OF LUCILE’s ADVENTURES WITH THE SAPIENT 
SAGE, THE FOOLISH IDEA, THE STRIPED JESTER, AND OTHER FOLK, 
CREATURES, KINGS, BEASTS, BOGIES, WIZARDS AND WITCHES 
WHO DWELL IN THAT WONDERFUL LAND 


By 

STUART B. STONE 

n 


WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY 

PETER NEWELL 


> ) 
> > 1 


* 


INDIANAPOLIS 

THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


Copyright 1913 
The Bobbs-Merrill Company 



9 

• 

• f* 

• t 

• * * 
9 


PRESS OF 
BRAUNWORTH & CO. 
BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS 
BROOKLYN. N. Y. 


TO THE REAL LUCILE 
ALMOST-TOO-CANDID CRITIC 


i 


* 

l 


THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED 


chapter page 

I The Amiable Aero-Cow 1 

II Up-Above-the-Earth-so-High 9 

III The Melancholy Monarch of Why .... 18 

IV Idea Land 32 

V The Wonderful Word-Shops 47 

VI The Bogies of the Dismal Darks .... 61 

VII The Gigantic Germs 74 

VIII The Rhythmical Realm of Rhymo .... 87 

IX Over the Rainbow 98 

X Cloud Land 110 

XI The Pools of a Thousand Dreams .... 122 

XII The Land of Wish-Com e-True 133 

XIII Invisible Land 145 

XIV The Musical Land of Mezzo 157 

XV The Province of Problems 170 

XVI The Land of Dreadful Story-Tellers . . . 182 

XVII The Land of Laughs and Tears 197 

XVIII The Sapient Sage 208 

XIX Very Bad News 228 

XX The Witches’ Cranny 236 

XXI The Head-Hoppers of the Purple City . . . 250 

XXII The End of It All 267 












» 




/ 






•- 








THE KINGDOM of WHY 


\ 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


CHAPTER I 

THE AMIABLE AERO-COW 

On the evening in which the strange things began 
to happen to Lucile, she was sitting in the library 
watching her Daddy read from a book with a name 
containing as many long words as Lucile was years old, 
which was nine. It was beginning to get dark. Lu- 
cile wondered why. In fact, that was what Lucile was 
always doing — wondering why the things in this big, 
round, green world are like they are, and why they are 
not like the things in once-upon-a-time fairy books. 
So she began to bother her father with questions. 

“Daddy, does it get dark in China like it does here in 
Chicago ? How big around is the moon ? And why do 
people go to sleep at night?” 


l 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

Her father did not answer. He was a very wise 
man, called a specialist, and he made several thousand 
dollars a year curing people of diseases with names so 
long it almost made one sick to hear them pronounced. 
On long, winter nights, when Lucile would have de- 
lighted to play Build-block-palaces-high-as-the-sky and 
Tell-me-a-story-please-do, her Daddy sat in his leather 
armchair and read from big, black books with queer 
pictures of people’s eyes and nerves and muscles. 
Now he merely frowned just as though he was prepar- 
ing to drop medicine into a man’s eye and charge him 
a hundred and fifty dollars for doing it. But Lucile 
had hardly commenced to ask questions. There are so 
many strange things on this earth and, if she did not 
begin to find out about them, she would never be edu- 
cated. 

“Are you as wise as King Solomon, Daddy?” she 
pleaded. “And did Solomon know every teeny, tiny 
thing that ever happened in this wide world?” 

Her father looked over the edge of the big, black 
book. “Matilda,” he said to Lucile’s mother, who sat 


2 


THE AMIABLE AERO-COW 

crocheting, “what will that child want to know next 1 ? 
How can I study, with her popping questions at 
me all the time? I wonder where she got her inquisi- 
tiveness.” 



3 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

CC I wonder, myself/’ answered Mrs. Lawrence, shak- 
ing her head. 

And Lucile wondered, too. There were ever so 
many things she had wished to ask about — why it 
rained when she wished to play outdoors with her 
goat — where the rainbow stayed in dry weather — 
where all the long ophthalmia and trichiasis words came 
from — and why the stars twinkled. But she did not 
wish to worry her Daddy or make him frown. So she 
went back into the kitchen, and leaning out the win- 
dow, watched Jupiter, her pet goat, lick at the red let- 
ters on a soap advertisement that had blown into the 
back yard. She wondered why Jupiter liked red things 
instead of purple and blue and canary-colored objects. 
She would have asked him why, if a goat could have 
answered a question. She would even like to ask him 
who were his parents, and if he was a Republican or a 
Democrat, and why he didn’t get his funny whiskers 
cut. 

She was thinking of all these things when, looking up 
suddenly, she saw that in the twinkling of an eye Jupi- 

4 





THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

ter had grown to five or six times his usual, week-day 
size. His horns pointed to one side and slightly for- 
ward, instead of curling back as they had always done. 
And he was all red and brown, instead of pure white as 
she had seen him but a moment before. Lucile rubbed 
her eyes and gasped in astonishment. Then she saw 
that it was not Jupiter at all, but a cow — a very strange, 
friendly-appearing cow, which actually smiled and 
nodded to her. The cow wore big goggles like those 
worn by the chauffeurs who drive the automobiles, a 
rubber-and-brass honker, and a queer glass tube filled 
with ink and fastened to her side. Upon her broad 
back two cushioned seats were arranged. 

“Who in the world are you?” asked Lucile, without 
stopping to consider that cows can not speak the Eng- 
lish language or any other known human tongue. 

To her immense surprise, the cow bowed her big head 
almost to the ground and said in a soft, moo-like voice. 

“I am the Cow- that- Jumped-Over-the-Moon, Miss 
Lucile. All aboard !” 

All aboard!” repeated Lucile, almost too wonder- 
struck to speak. “All aboard for where?” 

6 


THE AMIABLE AERO-COW 


“For Atmosphere, Sunset, Cloud Heights, Rainbow 
and the Kingdom of Why,” answered the cow. “Climb 
up before it gets dark.” 

“But why?” puzzled Lucile. 

“Why?” repeated the cow, frowning. “There you 
go. You’re not in the land of Why yet, and still you’re 
talking about it.” 

The cow, who had an extremely long, red tongue, 
was reaching around to lick her sleek sides. Suddenly 
Lucile screamed: “Look out there! Oh, do be care- 
ful!” 

Jupiter, seeing the bright red tongue, had reached 
out to take a nibble. The cow had withdrawn it just 
in time. 

“He’s very fond of anything red,” explained Lucile. 
“I wonder why — ” Then she checked herself, remem- 
bering how the cow had frowned when she had men- 
tioned the word “why”. 

“Come,” commanded the cow. “It will be so dark 
presently I can’t see the ink in my barograph.” 

Lucile, without the slightest idea of where she might 

7 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

be going, climbed into the front seat upon the cow’s 
back. She wondered what a barograph was — she won- 
dered why a cow should wear goggles and have a plat- 
form built upon her back. She wondered about all 
kinds of things, but she dared ask only one question. 

“Where was it you said we were going?” 

“Oh, to see the Sapient Sage of Why, the Imperial 
and Exalted Thinker-up of Wise Answers to Silly 
Questions,” said the cow. “He will tell you every- 
thing you wish to know, without your worrying your 
father half to death with foolish inquiries. Hold tight 
— we’re off!” 

The cow crouched down, gave a gentle spring, and 
immediately Lucile found herself mounting easily in 
the gathering dusk above the gable roof of her home. 
Before she had time to realize that she had not even 
told her parents good-by, the roof of her house was 
just like a little square on a big checker-board made of 
the roofs of all the houses. Looking behind her for an 
instant, she saw that Jupiter had climbed into the rear 
seat and was nibbling at the red plush on the back. 

8 


CHAPTER II 


UP-ABOVE-THE-EARTH-SO-HIGH 

They floated upward so easily and smoothly that 
Lucile did not feel the least bit uncomfortable. In 
fact, she was really enjoying the novel experience of 
sailing swiftly and steadily up toward the bright 
twinkle-stars and the huge foam-clouds that looked 
like mountains of pink-and- white soap-suds drifting 
across the sky. She wondered greatly, however, that 
a big, heavy animal, like the cow, without wings, could 
fly so easily. And finally she could not keep from 
asking: 

“Won’t you tell me how you learned to fly, Mistress 
Cow?” 

The cow laughed in her gentle, moo-like way. “It’s 
easy — when you know how,” she replied. 

“But how — please tell,” pleaded Lucile. “You see, 

9 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

if I knew how to fly, I could make short cuts across the 
tops of the houses when I go to school.” 

The cow nodded gravely. “All there is to do is to 
overcome gravity.” 

“What is gravity?” asked Lucile. 

“Gravity is the thing that holds people and houses 
to the earth,” replied the cow. “If it were not for 
gravity, you might have been pulled off the world and 
shot up here into the sky long before I came for 
you.” 

“But how did you overcome the grav — the gravity?” 
persisted Lucile. 

“I swallowed it,” said the cow. “And the minute I 
had it down, up I went, zizz-whizz-whirr-boom-booloo, 
clean and clear over the moon. You see, I had no idea 
of jumping over it. The whole thing was an accident. 
And then Mother Goose had to make a song of it.” 

“But what is gravity like?” insisted Lucile. “Is it 
good?” 

“Is it red?” broke in a baa-like voice just behind 
her. 


IO 


UP SO HIGH 

Lucile almost fell from her seat. How and where 
Jupiter had learned to talk she could not imagine, but 
then she was almost past wondering at things. She 
guessed that he had caught the trick from the cow in 
the strange way that animals have of communicating 
with one another. 

“Look,” called the cow suddenly, “we have caught 
up with the sunset. See the long, slanting rays of 
colored light!” 

And, indeed, they had mounted so high that they 
could see the sun which long ago had disappeared from 
Chicago. Long, splendid bars of light — all golden and 
pink and purple and red — streamed toward them out 
of the western sky. It was far prettier than the pic- 
tures by famous painters that Lucile had seen in the 
art galleries. 

“Yum-yum!” said Jupiter, smacking his lips. “I 
wish we could get close enough to get a taste of those 
red rays. I have always craved to eat a sunset.” 

Suddenly the cow came to a standstill, so that Lu- 
cile wondered if anything could be the matter. The 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

cow, reaching her head around, looked at the ink in the 
glass tube which hung at her side. 

“It’s all right,” she assured. “I’m just looking at 
the barograph.” 

“Barograph,” repeated Lucile. “Oh, can I send a 
message to Daddy?” 

“Barograph — not telegraph!” bawled the cow. “A 



barograph is a glass tube filled with ink which shows 
how high you are in the air. They have them on all 
the aeroplanes.” 

Lucile clapped her hands. “I wish I could ride in 
an aeroplane.” 

“Humph!” grunted the cow in an offended manner. 


12 


UP SO HIGH 


“There never was an air-ship that could take you this 
high — and, besides, they’re all the time falling and 
splattering around. And I never do that. I’ll show 
you what an aero-cow can do.” 

Before Lucile and Jupiter realized what she was 
about, the cow touched her tongue to a spring in her 
side, releasing a kind of automobile-top made of glass 
which buckled securely all about the seats and held 



them firmly in. Then the cow began to turn somer- 
saults in the air, to make long dips and dives and leaps 
and whirligigs and shoot-the-chutes, so that half the 

13 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

time Lucile’s head was down and the other half up. 
The stars were going around and around, and part of 
the time the earth was above them and part of the time 
beneath. Lucile could hardly get her breath and her 
sides were getting sore from being knocked against the 
sides of the glass top. 

“Please, please stop!” she shouted. “I didn’t mean 
to brag on air-ships. They’re not half so good as an air- 
cow.” Then the cow, who seemed better pleased, 
ceased to whirl around, the top was swung back, and 
they continued to ascend smoothly and pleasantly. 

After they had mounted steadily for a long time into 
the ever-darkening sky, the cow stopped again. 

“Here we are !’* she cried shrilly. “Have your tickets 
ready for the Heights of Imagination.” 

“But I don’t see any heights,” answered Lucile, 
straining her eyes into space. 

“That’s because you’re not using your imagination,” 
replied the cow. “We can’t go a step farther until 
you do. T ry now. Can’t you see something that looks 
like a golden stairway out there? Shut your eyes and 
try — try hard.” 1 4 


UP SO HIGH 

Lucile closed her eyes tight, and presently she was 
able to see a broad, shining flight of golden stairs run- 
ning up and up and up without any end. 

“Keep ’em shut, 5 ’ said the cow, “and we’ll go up.” 
And Lucile felt the cow jump up step by step as long 
as she kept her eyes shut. As soon as she opened them, 
the cow stopped again. 

“Now we have come to the Gulf of Probability,” she 
announced. 

“Dear me,” pouted Lucile, “you can’t get across a 
gulf unless you have a bridge or a steamboat.” 

“Oh, yes, you can,” advised the cow. “All you have 
to do is to believe something impossible.” 

“But that’s impossible!” exclaimed Lucile. 

“Exactly,” said the cow. “Now quick — you must 
try to believe black is white — or that you are eating 
three little pieces of green sugar — or that you can hear 
the stars singing. Be quick. We can’t get over the 
Gulf until you do.” 

Then Lucile tried hard, very hard, to believe one 
of the things the cow had mentioned, and finally she 

15 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

did think she could hear the twinkle-stars singing 
“Ring around a Rosey.” For almost anything is 
easy to believe when you are riding witchwise across 
the sky on the back of a talking cow. Then the cow 
gave a terrific leap so that Lucile’s long, brown hair 
streamed back into Jupiter’s eyes. It lasted but a min- 



ute and Lucile knew they had crossed the great Gulf. 
She felt very tired and sleepy from straining her mind 
to believe such impossible things. So she cuddled up 
into her seat, and in another minute she heard the stars 
singing “Rock-a-bye-baby” and the “Slumber Song” 
and then “Now I lay me down to sleep.” And finally 
Lucile went to sleep while they sailed up — up — up, 
1 6 


UP SO HIGH 


past the thunder and lightning and clouds and stars 
and sky. When she at last awakened, it was broad 
daylight and the cow was standing lazily upon solid 
ground as blue as the everlasting sea. 


CHAPTER III 


THE MELANCHOLY MONARCH OF WHY 

Lucile stepped down from the cow’s back and 
stretched her cramped limbs. For a moment she 
thought she must be wearing a pair of the blue goggles 
that people wear after they have had the measles. For 
the ground, the hills, the grass, the trees were blue as 
the noonday sky, a bunch of violets or the contents of 
a package of bluing. Even the air was a thinnish, 
smoky kind of blue. 

“This is enough to give anybody the blues,” the goat 
growled disgustedly. “I don’t believe there’s a good, 
sweet streak of red in the whole country.” 

Lucile could hear a faint, sweet music on every hand. 
She was about to ask the cow as to the cause of the 
pleasant sounds when the friendly animal explained. 

“In Chicago, the steam engines and locomotives go 
chug-chug or puff-puff or choo-choo. Up here the ma- 
chinery makes music instead of hissing and snorting. 

1 8 


THE MONARCH OF WHY 

That which you hear now is ‘Mistress Mary, Quite Con- 
trary , 5 and it is ground out by the engines that keep 
the movable roads going . 55 

Lucile noticed that the beautiful, blue country was 
streaked in every direction with smooth highways of 
a deeper purple shade, all of which were moving stead- 
ily toward a great, circular wall enclosing a distant 
city of magnificent domes, steeples and towers. Seated 
on chairs and couches upon these roads were the people 
who inhabited this strange land, a tribe of little men 
and women about a head shorter than Lucile and who 
wore brightly colored robes and seemed exceedingly 
cheerful and talkative. 

“The movable highways run to the Purple City , 55 ex- 
plained the cow. “We must go there first . 55 

They proceeded across a strip of the blue grass and 
stepped easily upon one of the moving roads. As they 
passed beneath the thick avenues of trees that lined 
the highway, Lucile observed bright sticks of pepper- 
mint, fat, white marshmallows, candy canes and all 
kinds of bonbons dangling from the branches, 

19 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Somebody has been having a Christmas tree out- 
doors,” she said, with a sigh, for her long ride had made 
her hungry. 

The cow chuckled heartily. “Then it’s Christmas 
time every day in the land of Why, for all the trees 
bear candies and cakes and ice-cream. You can help 
yourself if you like.” 

Lucile reached up, and plucking a candy zebra, be- 
gan to munch the delicious confection. Jupiter hastily 



20 


THE MONARCH OF WHY 


followed her example, being careful to select the sweet- 
meats with the broadest red stripes. 

Looking to the right and left, Lucile was greatly 
surprised to observe that all the houses were built of 
huge wooden blocks with letters, words and pictures 
on the faces. The churches, for instance, were ar- 
ranged so that the letters in the steeple spelled the 
name, like this : 



A building, which the cow said was a dairy, was made 
of blocks with pictures of milk-cans and churns and 
ice-cream freezers. A schoolhouse was constructed of 
blocks bearing pictures of dunce-caps, globes and 6’s, 
7’s and 8’s. Now and then they crossed fragrant, 
strangely-tinted creeks or brooks, which the cow ex- 
plained were streams of molasses, caramel sauce or 
soda-water. 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


After they had ridden for half an hour, they arrived 
at the great, circular wall, which proved to be a solid 
mass of brilliant turquoise. A little soldier, who stood 
guard at the gate, stopped them. 

“Blickum,” he said to the cow. 

“Whoopel-tickum-ti,” answered the cow. 

The guard turned to Lucile. “Poppel-foss!” he 
whispered. 



22 


THE MONARCH OF WHY 

“Rinktum-sniddles,” said Lucile, without the least 
idea why she was saying it. 

“That will be the password for you every time you 
enter the Purple City,” explained the cow, “because it 
is the first word you said on entering the first time. But 
I must leave you here, as cows are not usually allowed 
in the city.” 

Lucile and Jupiter bade the cow an affectionate 
farewell and followed the little soldier into the Purple 
City. There were hundreds and hundreds of houses, 
with wonderful curves and domes and spires and arches 
and minarets like Lucile had seen in the pictures of 
Moscow and Constantinople in the geographies. The 
streets, all of which kept moving like the roads outside, 
were filled with the cheerful, little people of Why. 
In the center of all was a great square or plaza and 
in the midst of this a noble building, which the 
guard explained was the palace of King Danno of 
Why. 

Within the palace the soldier conducted Lucile and 
Jupiter to a great, central chamber paved with marble 

23 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

and onyx and having a splendid, lofty dome of purest 
gold. The vast room was thronged with richly-dressed 
courtiers, who strolled to and fro and kept up a con- 
tinuous murmuring and whispering. On a throne at 
one end of the chamber sat a little, lean man attired 
in a purple robe trimmed with diamonds, rubies, pearls 
and other precious stones. Upon his head was a won- 
derful crown of gold. Running up from the center 
of the crown was a glass bulb containing an electric 
light, and this changed color every minute — red, pink, 
green, orange, blue and lavender. But the most re- 
markable thing about the King of Why, Lucile thought, 
was the look of unhappiness upon his face. His lower 
jaw drooped, his eyes were big and sorrowful, and his 
face had grown almost as long as his body. Lucile 
could not help but feel sorry for him, although she 
could not understand why the King of this beautiful 
country could ever feel sad. 

The King sat mournfully watching a queer, slender 
courtier, who was doing the most extraordinary things 
before the throne. The courtier wore a red cap with 
2 4 


THE MONARCH OF WHY 

three star-like points, on the ends of which were bells. 
He had on a suit of nine colors, wound closely around 
him in stripes like the arrangement on a barber s pole. 
The guard told Lucile that this was the Royal Jester 
of Why, and that he had been trying for five years to 
make the King laugh, but had never succeeded 
in making His Majesty crack a smile. 

The Jester stood upon his head and hopped in this 
fashion around the room. Then he came, and standing 
before the King, made the awfullest faces that Lucile 
had ever seen. He pulled his red nose until the point 
was a foot in front of his face, twisted it about and 
wrapped it around his neck. He would jump high into 
the air, and dropping to the floor, bounce again and 
again as high as the ceiling. Finally he closed his 
mouth and began to draw in air through his nose. He 
kept this up until he became perfectly round like a ball, 
and then he rolled rapidly around the chamber, knock- 
ing the courtiers right and left. Lucile wondered how 
a jester or any one else could do so many ridiculous 
things with his body. She could not understand why 

25 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

the King did not laugh — and the courtiers also, for 
they were as solemn as the King. Lucile could not re- 
strain her laughter, but giggled and gurgled hyster- 
ically. 

After the Jester had knocked down and rolled over 
every one in the room except Lucile, the guard and 
Jupiter, the King called for him to cease. 

“It isn’t a bit of use,” said His Majesty. “I feel 
sadder than ever.” Then the Jester stole away, and 
as he passed Lucile, she saw how it was that he could 
do such extraordinary things. For he was made of 
india-rubber. 

.When the Jester had gone, a pretty, young herald 
with a golden horn conducted Lucile and Jupiter to 
the space before the throne. 

“This is the Princess Muffett of Muscatine,” an- 
nounced the herald. 

“No, no,” corrected Lucile. “I’m not a princess — I’m 
just Lucile.” 

“Sh-h-h-h!” warned the herald. “You’re in the 
Kingdom of Why now and you must have a new name 
and title.” 26 



<4 «■*% V*' -cT 1 

!• .** Tj?* lil* j 

w 

* • y* ^ s i'f 









> 


















THE MONARCH OF WHY 

The herald continued speaking. “The Princess 
Muffett and her friend and pet, Sir Gonzales Goat, 
have come all the way from Chicago to find out lots 
and lots of things from the Sapient Sage.” 

The King, who had been watching Lucile closely, 
began to weep, while a courtier ran up and caught the 
salty tears in a goblet of gold. 

“There it is,” sobbed King Danno, “more trouble. 
The Sapient Sage became wearied at having to answer 
so many foolish questions and fled to a distant part of 
the kingdom. And I suppose I’ll have to be answering 
a lot of silly inquiries myself. Dear me — boo-hoo!” 

His Majesty began to weep so rapidly that the golden 
goblet ran over and four more courtiers brought in a 
golden tub to catch the overflow. After he had wept 
the tub heaping full, he seemed slightly relieved and 
turned once more to Lucile. 

“I will answer one question for you — just one, 
mind.” 

In the constant excitement through which she had 
been passing, Lucile had forgotten all the questions 
28 


THE MONARCH OF WHY 

she had ever desired to ask her Daddy. So that now 
she could think of but one thing, and, indeed, she 
wished to know that thing very much. 

“Why are you so unhappy*?” she asked King Danno. 
The King groaned. “You have heard the old saying, 
‘Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown?’ ” 

Lucile nodded, for she remembered Miss Curtis had 
written the sentence on the blackboard once in the 
English class. 

“Well, that’s one reason,” said the King, “but the 
main thing is the problems.” 

“Oh, problems,” said Lucile, very sympathetically. 
“Problems are hard. I’ve had lots at school.” 


“No, no — not that kind,” declared the King. “It’s 



29 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

the problems of state — how to make peppermint sticks 
grow on lemon-drop trees — what color to paint the 
Kingdom of Why every year — what to do when it rains 
pollywogs — and how to tell the cats from the cater- 
pillars. It’s all those kinds of things.” 

Lucile remained silent, for she was very sorry for 
the unhappy King. Suddenly the melancholy mon- 
arch pointed his finger at her. 

“Lemons and licorice!” he shouted. “Why couldn’t 
you be Queen of Why?” 

“Oh, dear, no!” cried Lucile. “I’m an American 
girl, and in America we do not have any queens.” 

“Turnips and tarts!” shouted the King. “You’re in 
Why now. I know what I’ll do. I’ll resign and you 
can rule in my place. You must get a new silk dress 
for the coronation, and we’ll call you Queen Sugar-and- 
Spice-and-Everything-Nice the Fourteenth. Then 
maybe I’ll be happy.” 

“But I won’t be queen,” declared Lucile, about to 
cry. 

“You shall!” stormed King Danno. “Here,” he 
30 


THE MONARCH OF WHY 

called to the palace guards, “take this naughty Queen 
and put her in prison until she learns what’s what.” 

The guards seized Lucile and hurried her and the 
wondering Jupiter to a little, bare room with a single 
window set with iron bars, where they left the prisoners 
to eat a meal of candy Jack-and-the-beans talks and ice- 
cream orang-outangs, and to think things over. Then 
for the first time since the coming of the aero-cow Lu- 
cile had leisure to long for her Daddy and mother so 
far, far away in busy Chicago. Thus the day passed, 
the dusk came, and Lucile sobbed herself to sleep. 


CHAPTER IV 


IDEA LAND 

Early next morning Lucile was awakened by the 
faintest, sweetest-toned tinkling of little bells. Rub- 
bing her eyes, she saw that the Royal Jester had entered 
the prison-room and was bowing and skipping before 
her. 

“How did you get into this dreadful place with the 
door locked?” she wondered. 



32 


IDEA LAND 


The striped Jester laughed. “It’s easy when you’re 
made of india-rubber.” Then he squeezed himself 
into a long, thin, bright streak and passed back and 
forth through the keyhole several times. 

“ I wish I could do that,” said Lucile. “I’d get out 
of this old jail where the King has put me because I 
won’t be Queen Sugar-and-Spice the Fourteenth.” 

“Oh, that’s easily managed,” declared the Jester. 
“And if you will allow me to go with you in your 
quest of the Sapient Sage I will get you and Mr. Goat 
out of jail before you can say c Boanarges Brimblecorn 
brought a billion brass buckets of breaded buckwheat 
by the babbling brook.’ ” 

Lucile thought she could have gone through the key- 
hole herself before she could have uttered the sentence 
about Boanarges Brimblecorn, but she assured the 
Jester that she would be very glad indeed to have him 
accompany her in her search for the Sage. 

Then the Jester led her to the window and pointed 
out one of the guards. The little soldier was soundly 
sleeping. The Jester, compressing his brightly- 
33 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

painted body into a longer, thinner string than ever, 
wound himself through the keyhole and around the 
body of the guard until he had found in a pocket the 
big key that unlocked Lucile’s prison. With this he 
opened the door and motioned to Lucile and Jupiter to 
walk out. 



Thus they passed out of the palace of the King of 
Why and into the streets of the Purple City where no 
one paid any heed to them. 


When they had reached the movable highways on 

34 


IDEA LAND 

the blue plain and were eating from the luscious plum- 
pudding and chocolate-cream trees once more, the 
Jester explained why he had come to rescue them. 

“You see, it’s this way,” he said. “For five years 
I have been trying to make King Danno laugh. I’ve 
done the funniest things in the world and been jollier 
than Old King Cole or Peck’s Bad Boy or Punch and 
Judy. But it isn’t a particle of use. The King is wor- 
ried over his problems and won’t laugh, and, because 
the King doesn’t laugh, the courtiers won’t. You 
know that is the way of courtiers the world over — to 
do just like the King. And you are the first person 
who ever laughed at me. So that I made up my mind, 
if you would have me, I would go with you in your 
quest, and possibly the Sapient Sage may tell me how 
to be really funny.” 

He told them that the country to which the Sapient 
Sage had gone was very far off, that the road thereto 
ran through many strange lands inhabited by the queer- 
est and most uncertain peoples and abounding with the 
gravest perils. Also he told them that King Danno 

35 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


would probably pursue them, but that, with the start 
they had, they might keep ahead of him. 

After they had proceeded for a long, long time upon 
the movable road and the pretty block-houses of the 
blue country had grown scarcer and scarcer, finally dis- 
appearing altogether, the highway descended into a 



36 


IDEA LAND 


beautiful valley made by a stream, which was blue as 
far as the middle, and the color of ordinary water upon 
the other side. The Jester explained that the middle 
of the stream marked the boundary between the blue 
country and Idea Land. 

Upon the other side of the stream Lucile was sur- 
prised to see beautiful buildings of colored brick and 
stone floating gracefully in the air. The houses 
drifted easily above the treetops, and at the windows 
Lucile could see the strangest objects sticking out — 
lovely paintings, sewing-machines, picture-books, lit- 
tle, steel bridges, toy automobiles, and so on. All of 
these objects were bobbing and moving about as if 
they were alive, and Lucile could not understand why 
they did not fall from the windows of the floating 
houses. 

“Those houses sailing in the air above our heads are 
the Air-Castles of Idea Land,” explained the Jester. 

“But what are all those queer objects in the win- 
dows? And what makes them move about so? And 
how do they keep from falling out?” asked Lucile. 

37 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


“Wait — wait!” laughed the Jester. “I’m not the 
Sapient Sage.” 

“Oh,” said Lucile, “I beg your pardon.” 

“That’s all right,” answered the Jester, “but those 
are not things — they are people.” 

“Those books and bridges and pictures can’t be peo- 
ple!” cried Lucile, in astonishment. 

“Oh, yes, they are,” declared the Jester. “They are 
the Ideas. You see, this is the place where all the Ideas 
come from. Watch and I will show you how an Idea 
is made.” 

The Jester reached up on the front step of one of the 
floating Air-Castles and took down what appeared to 
Lucile to be a round, black shot no bigger than a pea. 
Next he gave his hand a twist, which set the black shot 
rolling upon the ground. “Watch it grow,” he whis- 
pered. 

Lucile watched the little black ball as it rolled 
around and around and she saw that it was certainly 
getting bigger and bigger. 

“That’s just the way with an idea, if you ever no- 

38 


IDEA LAND 

ticed,” said the Jester. “At first it doesn’t amount to 
much, but if you keep rolling it around and think- 
ing about it, after a while it’ll amount to some- 
thing.” 

“Look, look!” interrupted Lucile, grabbing the Jester 
by the hand. “The ball has changed into a big sheet 
of paper with words printed on it.” 



Sure enough the black ball, which had grown to the 
size of a pumpkin, had suddenly been transformed into 
a sheet of white paper with a head, arms and legs. On 
the paper was printed this verse : 

39 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

There was a young girl named Lucile, 

Went up on a cowtomobile 
To the Kingdom of Why 
Where she made the King cry 
And loud for his soldiers to squeal. 

“It’s poetry / 5 cried Lucile, “like 'The Boy Stood on 
the Burning Deck’ and 'Humpty-Dumpty on the 
Wall/ 55 

“It is / 5 said the Jester; “now watch / 5 

Even as he spoke the sheet of paper bowed, said 
“Good-by, Lucile — hope you’ll have some good ideas 
yourself some day / 5 and leaped high into the air, grad- 
ually disappearing from sight. As she looked up, she 
saw that a piano, a plow and a big, black book had 
also flown into the air. 

“Where have they gone?” whispered Lucile, almost 
scared. 

“Gone to pop into some wise men’s heads down in 
Chicago probably / 5 answered the Jester. “You see, 
after an Idea has been rolled and revolved up here 
until it amounts to something new and good or beauti- 
ful, it goes down into your country and pops into the 
40 



IDEA LAND 

head of some man who has been thinking along that line 
and has his brain ready to receive it. Then the man 
goes ahead and produces whatever the Idea put into 
his head. People are always saying, 1 have an Idea 5 ; 
but the truth is, the Idea has them. 55 

“And are all those objects, in the windows of the 
Air-Castles, Ideas just like the poem? 55 asked Lucile. 

“To be sure, 55 nodded the Jester. “They will go 
down to the earth, pop into the heads of fellows who 
have their brains fixed right for them, and then there 


41 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 



will be some fine new bridges and pictures and books 
and machines in the world. But what is the matter 
with Jupiter?” 


Lucile looked around, and was astonished to behold 
the goat rearing upon his hind legs and wagging his 
head very wisely. 


“I am the King of Idea Land,” he bleated. “You 
are my subjects. Bow low before King Jupiter 



Goatee !” 


“How foolish!” cried Lucile. “What is the mat- 


ter — 


Jupiter suddenly lowered his head and rushed at 
her as if he would butt her with his horns. In all his 
life the goat had not done such a thing, and Lucile, 
in a great fright, ran behind a tree. But Jupiter had 
ilready ceased to chase her and was shouting up at 
he Air-Castles. 


“Oyez, oyez! Come down from the Air-Castles, oh, 
deas, and bend your knees before Jupiter Junius Jinks, 
iCing of Idea Land and all the big and little Ideas!” 


Instantly scores of paintings, mouse-traps, fruit- 



42 


IDEA LAND 


cakes, coffee-pots, street-cars and other things began to 
jump from the open windows of the Air-Castles. The 
ground fairly swarmed with them, and the Air-Castles, 
relieved of their weight, shot far above the trees. 

“Bow down — bow down!” cried Jupiter; and he be- 
gan to butt right and left, knocking down pictures, 
pots, cakes and traps. 

“Jupiter’s gone crazy!” screamed Lucile. “Oh, 
what shall we do!” And indeed it did seem that the 
goat had gone suddenly insane, for he was jumping 
high into the air, turning somersaults, and issuing or- 
ders to the army and navy and congress of the Ideas 
just like a real king. 

Lucile was ready to burst into tears at the pitiful 
plight of her good friend when a great tall Idea, com- 
posed of a golden crown blazing with gems, strode up 
to the frantic goat. 

“Peace and silence, goat!” commanded the Crown- 
Idea. “I rule in Idea Land for the King of Why.” 

Instantly Jupiter stood still and began to tremble, 
very much like a badly frightened goat. 

43 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Does any Idea here know what is the matter with 
this goat?” asked the Crown-Idea, looking about. 

A pretty Statue-Idea advanced and bowed. “Please, 
oh, King, I think the Foolish Idea has sprung into the 
goat’s head.” 


“Ah !” said the King of the Ideas. Then he muttered 
words over Jupiter’s head — “Ricktum-davvy-tally-ho- 



44 


IDEA LAND 

bub” — until suddenly the queerest, funniest-looking 
Idea they had yet seen appeared just as if he might sure 
enough have come from the goat’s head. 

The Foolish Idea’s chest consisted of a cedar clothes- 
chest, with a brass, heart-shaped clasp over the spot 
where a heart should be and with twelve umbrella-ribs 
upon each side. On top of this chest was a big, ragged, 
smiling cabbage-head, with potato-eyes that winked 
constantly and protruding ears formed of small ears of 
corn. The Idea’s legs seemed to be the round, wooden 
legs of a table, while his arms were chair-arms, ending 
in the steel hands of a clock. Upon his cabbage-head 
reposed a tall dunce-cap. _ 

Jupiter, gazing in horror at the Foolish Idea that 
had been in possession of his head, crept over to Lucile 
and the Jester. 

“I am very sorry I acted so foolishly,” he apologized. 
“I didn’t aim to, but suddenly as I was standing there 
I thought I was really the King of this land. I am very 
much ashamed and promise never to do so again.” 

“Indeed, I am of the opinion that we had better get 

45 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

out of this country as soon as we can,” declared the 
Jester. ‘Tor any of us is apt to get the idea into his 
head that he is Jack-the-Giant-Killer or the Man-in-the 
Moon.” 

Lucile thought this excellent advice, and the three of 
them hurried back to the movable pavement, which soon 
whisked them away from the floating Air-Castles with 
their remarkable Idea-dwellers. 


46 


CHAPTER V 


THE WONDERFUL WORD-SHOPS 

After sleeping that night upon the soft couches that 
adorned the movable pavement, the travelers crossed 
a pretty bridge of pink glass built over a foaming river 
of custard and entered a beautiful, green country 
which the Jester explained was Word Land. The 
fresh, rolling landscape was dotted here and there with 
tall chimney-stacks from which poured huge volumes 
of dense, black smoke. Lucile was surprised to note 
that on each smoke-stack was some one letter of the al- 
phabet. The inhabitants of the country were little 
people who wore aprons and carried hammers and 
chisels. Each apron, like the smoke-stacks, showed 
some one letter. 

'These men are the word-carvers,” explained the 
Jester, in answer to Lucile’s question. "A ‘W’ on the 

47 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

apron means that the wearer works’ in the big W fac- 
tory over there, or if he has an A, he makes A’s in this 
factory to the left.” 


“How strange,” murmured Lucile. “I should like to 
see them make some words.” 

“You will,” promised the Jester, and he stepped from 
the pavement. „ 



She passed safely across followed by Jupiter and the Jester 



THE WORD-SHOPS 

As they walked on in the direction of the big word- 
factories, there came to them a great clatter as 
of hammers beating on metal, and Lucile could easily 
imagine she had dropped back into one of the busiest 
parts of Chicago. 

Suddenly Jupiter, who had been walking along 
quietly, gave a loud ba-a-a of alarm. Looking back, 
they beheld the Foolish Idea hurrying to overtake 
them. 

“Oh, dear,” cried Lucile, “he will pop into my head 
and make me do something very, very foolish.” 

“Or have me thinking I’m the King of Word Land,” 
complained Jupiter. 

“Or have me thinking I’m made of diamond dust or 
peanut brittle instead of india-rubber,” said the Jes- 
ter. 

By this time the Foolish Idea had overtaken them. 
As he observed their troubled expressions, he bowed 
his ragged cabbage-head to the ground. 

“Don’t be afraid of me,” he pleaded, “please, please 
don’t. I’m only a foolish, little Idea and I got into the 

49 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

head of your goat because I thought that was the right 
thing to do. But I will promise never to do so again.” 

“But why did you make me try to act as if I was a 
king?” demanded Jupiter, not much satisfied. 

“You see, I’m an Idea — though a very foolish one,” 
explained the newcomer, “and that is what Ideas are 
for, to spring into heads. But I never seem to make 
people do the proper thing. Once I got into a man’s 
head and he tried to jump over the moon; another time 
I made a woman try to boil the sea for dinner; and still 
another time I caused a woman to try to pickle the 



50 


THE WORD-SHOPS 

clouds. That is why they call me the Foolish Idea, al- 
though my real name is Nic-Nac. And I would like to 
go with you in your search for the Sapient Sage so that 
I may learn things and be a wise Idea rather than a 
foolish one.” 

After this lengthy explanation they cheerfully ac- 
cepted the company of Nic-Nac, and all continued 
their way to the great word-factories. 

As they approached one of the central buildings, a 
man, who had all twenty-six letters of the alphabet 
upon his apron, came out to meet them. 

“We have just received an order for a lot of new 
words,” he explained, after the Jester had told him of 
their wish to watch the word-making. “These are to 
be extra long words for the names of new chemicals 
and drugs. I was just trying to think of some. Maybe 
you can help me.” He looked inquiringly at the 
Jester. 

“How about ‘mu-fos-tof-a-billi-kan-ixis,’ ” suggested 
the Jester, winking at Lucile. 


51 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 



“That will be fine,” said the Chief Word-Maker. 
Then he nodded to Lucile. 

“Winnie-kononnie-whanni-til-opsis,” said Lucile, 
seeing that he especially liked long words. 

“Zizz-whizz-app-o-pop-o-delphia,” suggested the 


52 


THE WORD-SHOPS 

“Too-loo-koo-bilken-stix-o-malix,” said Jupiter. 

“Those will do fine,” declared the word-carver, 
“although it will take some time to make all the let- 
ters.” 

As they entered the “A” factory, the Jester whispered 
to Lucile : “I meant that long word for a joke, but he 
couldn’t see the point — and now he has a word long 
enough to choke him. That always was the way with 
my jokes.” 

Inside the first factory, hundreds of the little word- 
carvers were hammering at long, straight bars of what 
appeared to be pure gold. Other workmen seized the 
golden bars as soon as made and set them up on end, in 
pairs, leaning the tops together. Then, with a third bar 
connecting them, was formed the letter 
A 

“Now,” said the Word-Chief, “that is ready to start 
off new words like Apple-pie-ology and Ant-eater-on- 
omy.” 

“Or All-day-sucker-itis,” suggested the Jester. 

“Or Angel-food-olatry,” said Lucile. 

53 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Or Ax-handle-soup,” put in Jupiter. 

“Or Alarm-clock-music-in-A-flat,” chimed in the 
Foolish Idea. 

The travelers were next conducted through the B, C, 
D and other factories until they had seen all of the 
word-making they desired. As they were coming out 
of the place where the funny, twisty S’s were manu- 
factured, they heard a series of long blasts on a trum- 
pet. There was a great running about among the lit- 
tle word-makers, and all the whistles on all the great 
word-factories began to blow just as Lucile had heard 
them in Chicago, when the clock struck twelve on New 
Year’s Eve. 

“What is the matter 1 ? What has happened?” de- 
manded Lucile and all her party. They were eager to 
learn the latest news. 

The Word-Chief replied that indeed he did not 
know; but no sooner were the words out of his mouth 
than a young word-maker came running. 

“King Danno has come!” he cried, in a thin, treble 
voice. “The King of Why has come to Word Land.” 

54 


THE WORD-SHOPS 

“The King!” repeated the Word-Chief. “The 
King has not been in Word Land since I have been 
chief.” 

“Dear, dear!” cried Lucile, wringing her hands. 
“He has come for me. He wishes to make me Queen 
Sugar-and-Spice-and-Everything-Nice the Fourteenth. 
And I don’t wish to be queen at all.” 

The Word-Chief scratched his head very thought- 
fully. “Then what will you do about it 1 ?” he asked. 

“I would like to hide or escape,” said Lucile. “Can 
you not help me?” 

“Indeed, I could not hide you anywhere in Word 
Land,” declared the Chief, “for the King will have 
every nook and corner of it searched. And you can 
not get across the Bottomless Gulf, which separates this 
land from the Dismal Darks on the South, for there is 
no bridge.” 

Lucile was about to cry, the Word-Chief was almost 
scratching his head off, and the Jester was looking as 
solemn as if he had never said a funny thing in his life 
when suddenly the Foolish Idea spoke up. 

55 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Why can’t you make a bridge to go over the great 
gulf?” 

“How very foolish!” said the Word-Chief. 

“He can’t help it,” explained the Jester. “That’s 
the kind of an Idea he is.” 

“But why not make a beautiful, golden bridge out 
of one of those long words piled over there?” per- 
sisted Nic-Nac. 

Lucile and the others followed his gesture 
to where a great pile of new words was 
stacked against the T factory — tiddle-dy-winkiness 

TICKLE-OLOGY TERRI BLE-TOTISH N ESS TWIN-ON- 

OMY. 

“They would do,” said the Word-Chief, “if they 
were long enough. But the Bottomless Gulf is very 
wide and deep and these would not reach half-way 
across.” 

By now there was a great blowing of trumpets and 
a mighty shouting from the plain over which Lucile’s 
party had come into Word Land. A little word- 
maker came running out of breath. 

56 



THE WORD-SHOPS 

“King Danno has demanded that Lucile be given 
over to him. He says he can never be happy until he 
has made her Queen.” 

“Ooh!” cried Lucile. “There never was an Ameri- 
can queen. Whatever shall I do!” 


EN. 

“I tell you,” said the Foolish Idea, turning a flip- 
flap that landed him nearly on top of one of the word- 
factories. “Let them make a word long enough to 
cross the great gulf.” r 7 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

The Word-Chief shook his head. “We haven’t any 
near long enough. That word the Jester gave us this 
morning is the longest we have and it will not reach 
nearly across.” 

“Make one still longer,” persisted Nic-Nac, as the 
noise increased. 

The Word-Chief looked up hopefully. “I can’t 
think of one near long enough. But I might start it, 
and if you — ” 

“We’ll finish it — start her off,” whooped the Jester, 
wrapping his rubber neck around a near-by lamp-post 
in his excitement. 

“All right,” said the Chief, “here goes. Animali-cul- 
apot — ” 

“Sassa-lopter-ulamus — ” continued the Jester. 

“Dinken-hymer-kito-bivalve — ” said Lucile. 

“Walla-walla-pop-bingulstix — ” piped the Idea. 

“Goog-hymel-ting-kolloposizz,” finished Jupiter. 

“Now you run down to the edge of the Gulf and 
hide in the bushes until we come with the bridge,” 
ordered the Chief. 


58 


THE WORD-SHOPS 

Then he called to a crowd of the word-carvers who 
had not gone out to the great plain. The smoke in the 
big word-factories began to pour forth black and thick, 
for the making of this extraordinary, long word re- 
quired the working of almost every factory. Lucile 
and the others hurried down to the great Gulf, which 
was so wide they could hardly see the other side, and 
so deep they could not see the bottom at all. Soon 
one of the workmen came rushing down with the letter 
A, which he planted firmly at the edge of the deep 
ravine.' Immediately behind him came another work- 
man bearing the letter N, which he hooked carefully on 
to the A. Rapidly the great, golden bridge grew, but 
the noise from the plain came louder and louder. It 
was evident that the King and his party were coming 
toward the Gulf. As the last letter — Z — of the long, 
long word was set in place on the other bank, Lucile 
began to climb over. She passed safely across, fol- 
lowed by the Jester and Jupiter. But before the Fool- 
ish Idea could step upon the bridge the unhappy King 
had come up and was calling to Lucile to return. 

59 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Stop — stop, Queen ! Five hundred thousand choc- 
olate-cream drops reward to any one who seizes 
Lucile!” 

As the King opened his mouth to cry still louder, the 
Foolish Idea, who was standing immediately behind 
him, seized a small, golden model of the great word 
zimmel-wifful-waffulum-too, which was lying 
near, and rammed it down the King’s throat. Then 
as the King spat and choked over the long word, 
Nic-Nac climbed upon the bridge and ran nimbly 
across. Reaching the other side, he kicked the won- 
derful, golden bridge until it loosened and fell with 
an enormous clatter into the Gulf. Thus the longest 
word that ever was made went to pieces, almost chok- 
ing up the great Gulf that divides Word Land from 
the Dismal Darks. And long after Lucile and her 
companions had left the ravine, they could hear the 
King spitting and choking in his effort to rid his throat 
of the long word: 

“Oh — ugh — zimmel — wafful — ouch — wifful —oh 
— too !” 


6o 


CHAPTER VI 


THE BOGIES OF THE DISMAL DARKS 

For a long while after the escape from King Danno 
at the golden bridge the Foolish Idea strutted with his 
cabbage-head reared back until it almost touched the 
pavement behind him. When the Jester noticed this, 
he asked his friend the cause of his sudden pride. 

“It’s because of that idea I had about the bridge,” 
answered Nic-Nac. “You know, I don’t consider that 
was a foolish idea at all.” 

“It was not one bit foolish,” declared Lucile, 
warmly, “and if you continue to have such ideas they 
will have no right to call you a Foolish Idea any more.” 

“Thank you,” said Nic-Nac. “I will try very hard 
never to be foolish again.” And he strutted until he 
tumbled back upon his head and had to be rescued by 
the Jester. 

6l 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

After riding for an hour upon the moving highway, 
the pilgrims decided to leave it for a short walk 
through a pleasant, little valley lined with gorgeous 
hedges of wonderful flowers. They had proceeded 
about half-way down the incline when the Foolish 
Idea looked up at the sky. 

“Do you know, I believe it’s getting dark,” he said. 

“There you go with your foolish ideas again,” an- 
swered the Jester. “It’s only nineteen minutes, twen- 
ty-three and three-fourth seconds and three ticks past 
two o’clock in the afternoon.” 

But Lucile, who had also been gazing skyward, 
shook her head. “I’m afraid he’s right about it. It’s 
getting quite dusky.” 

There was no longer any doubt about the matter. 
It was just as if some mighty giant was drawing a 
huge curtain over the sun. 

“It must be an eclipse of the sun,” said 
Lucile. “They have them in the almanacs along with 
the jokes and medicine advertisements.” 

The Jester stretched at his bright-colored rubber 
62 


THE DISMAL DARKS 

neck until his head rose far above the highest treetops. 
Then he relaxed and came down with a sigh. 

‘I’ve been up to have a good look,” he announced. 
“It’s just as I feared. The Duke of the Dismal Darks 
is pulling the sun-curtains.” 

“Pulling the sun-curtains,” echoed Lucile. “What 
are sun-curtains, anyhow?” 

“This is the Domain of the Dismal Darks,” ex- 
plained the Jester, “and it is ruled by a Duke, a very 
powerful magician who has constructed a set of im- 
mense, black curtains completely enclosing the land. 
Whenever he wishes to make it dark, he pulls the 
curtains — there they go! Now you couldn’t see an 
elephant with a spy-glass.” 

Everything had suddenly turned black — black as a 
piece of coal, black as midnight or copying ink, black 
as a black cat. Lucile could not see the rainbow- 
colored Jester, the Foolish Idea, the faithful Jupiter, 
not even her hand before her face. 

“Ooh!” she cried. “I wish I was back home. I was 


63 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

always afraid of the dark. What in the world are we 
to do?’ 

“We shall probably get lost,” said the Jester. “Let 
us all take hold of hands so that we can keep together.” 

Lucile groped about her until her right hand clasped 
a soft, spongy, rubber hand she knew to be the Jester’s, 
and her left a piece of steel wire she knew for the 
Foolish Idea’s. At the same time she felt the tug of 
Jupiter’s teeth on her short skirt. 

“Let’s turn around and feel our way back to the 
golden bridge,” suggested Nic-Nac. “Then I will be 
sure to think up another brilliant idea to get us past 
this awful blackness.” 

“Let’s sit quite still, and maybe after a while the 
Duke will draw back the curtains,” advised Lucile. 
“That is the way eclipses do back in the United 
States.” 

“I wish all this black was red,” whimpered Jupiter. 
“It would make a lot of fine nibbling.” 

“No, what we must do is to go on,” declared the 


64 


. THE DISMAL DARKS 

Jester. “The road lies straight ahead like a bee line, 
and we oughtn’t to miss it. Besides, they say the Duke 
allows it to remain dark for weeks and months at a 
time.” 

The comrades, keeping well together, slowly made 
their way ahead. The Jester, who led the way, would 
stretch his neck far ahead in order to feel out the road 
between the fragrant hedges. 

They had not proceeded far when Lucile felt some- 
thing touch her lightly on the shoulder. 

“Who touched me?’ she asked quickly. 

“Who touched me?” asked the Jester, almost at the 
same moment. 

“And me?” echoed the Foolish Idea. 

“And me?” bleated Jupiter. 

Instantly there arose the most frightful sound of 
howling and shrieking and wailing. It sounded very 
much as if ten thousand cats had commenced to yowl 
on the back fence of the world, or a circus full of lions 
to snarl and spit and roar because breakfast was not 
ready. There was a great pattering of feet all about 

65 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

them; unseen wings flapped and whirred above their 
heads. 

“Dear, dear — what is the matter?” whimpered Lu- 
cile. “I wish my Daddy was here.” 

Something caught at her feet and pulled them from 
under her. As she fell she brought down the Foolish 
Idea, the Jester and Jupiter. Over and over they 
rolled in the darkness; then unseen hands pushed 
them over a bank and down they went — bumpety-bump, 
lickety-split, head-over-heels in the blackness, down, 
down a great, long hill which Lucile thought surely 
could have no ending. At last their speed slackened 
and, after rolling a bit on smooth, level ground, they 
came to a halt, panting, perspiring and altogether 
frightened. 

“Is everybody here?” asked the Jester, stretching his 
rubber arms around them. “Whew — we must have 
rolled a mile in twenty seconds less than nothing!” 

“And we have lost our way,” lamented the Foolish 
Idea. “If a fellow ran across a brilliant idea now, it 
would be too dark to see it.” 

66 



“Oh, do something — please, quick !” 





. 
















- 


- 















■ . ' • . 

1 




• ■ ' I 

mSm bMBW 





















THE DISMAL DARKS 

“Hello,” exclaimed the Jester, “there’s the moon 
coming out!” 

It was but two o’clock in the afternoon, yet what 
appeared to be a full, yellow moon was glimmering in 
the atmosphere just ahead. 

“Look — there’s a man in the moon!” cried the Fool- 
ish Idea. “And he’s winking at Lucile.” 

There was really a huge face in the moon and one 
big eye was blinking steadily at the little girl. Feel- 
ing somehow that it was expected of her, Lucile winked 
back at the bright moon-face. A great, thunderous, 
bass voice filled the air so suddenly that the Jester in 
his surprise bounded entirely over the moon-face. 

“Who are all ye that come into the Domain of the 
Dismal Darks'?” rumbled the great voice. 

“Please, sir,” said Lucile, her voice trembling, “I am 
Lucile Lawrence, of Chicago, and I am searching for 
the Sapient Sage to find out what is what and things 
like that.” 

“Oho,” laughed the moon-face, “then you tumbled 
about two miles out of your way when you bumped 

67 



and flat as a dollar and yellow as gold. His neck was 
made of an hour-glass, and his body was a huge clock- 
dial. On every side of the four travelers were the 
strangest little people who appeared to be made of silk 
68 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

down Roley-Poley Hill. I expect I’d better light up.” 

There was a swish in the air like the sound of a high 
wind. Then everything became light again. Before 
them stood a queer, tall, thin man with a head as round 


THE DISMAL DARKS 

and tissue-paper. These delicate creatures floated 
easily in the air or dangled from the trees. They were 
shaped like all sorts of things — peanuts, telegraph- 
poles, mince-pies, bottles, pickles and pins. When the 
Jester, who had puffed himself into a ball in his roll 
down the hill, began to blow the air out of his inside, 
a dozen of the light, fragile creatures were blown into 
the air entirely out of sight. 

“Hold on there!” cried the moon-face man, “You 
will blow all the Bogie-men out of the country.” 

The Jester hurriedly asked pardon. 

“Who are the Bogie-men 1 ?” asked Lucile. 

“They are the people who inhabit the Domain of 
the Dismal Darks, and I am their Duke. They it was 
who touched you back there in the darkness and whose 
wings you heard flapping about you. But they would 
not hurt any one in the world. You see, there is noth- 
ing in the dark to be afraid of. It’s just that people 
imagine there is. Isn’t it that way in Chicago, too?” 
“Ye-e-es,” hesitated Lucile. “I know now why it is 
that sometimes when I go into the kitchen after a drink 
69 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

I hear things in the dark. I will never be afraid that 

way again . 55 

“But you will want to continue your journey , 55 said 
, the Duke. “I will show you the way . 55 

With the moon-face man at their head, they tramped 
for a long time past pretty houses and pleasant fields 
from which thin, silky Bogie-men, with the shapes of 
sausages and shovels and lemon-drops and knitting- 
needles, peered curiously out at them. It was late in 
the afternoon when the Jester, looking back, ex- 
claimed : 

“Look, look — if there isn’t King Danno coming up 
behind us ! 55 

Turning their heads, the pilgrims made out in the 
dim distance the unhappy Monarch of Why gallop- 
ing at the head of a squad of his soldiers. The party 
waved their weapons at Lucile and her companions. 

“They must have made a bridge by putting together 
HIPPOPOTAMUS-OLOGY and CATERPILLAR-ISM and PEP- 

permint-icity and alligator-ation , 55 said the Foolish 
Idea. 


70 


THE DISMAL DARKS 

“Oh, save me from being Queen Sugar-and-Spice,” 
pleaded Lucile. “Really I’m too little to sit on a 
golden throne and command armies and work out prob- 



The Duke of the Dismal Darks put his hand to his 
yellow forehead and thought very hard. His head 
lighted up like an electric lamp; tiny particles of sand 
began to trickle through his hour-glass of a neck, and the 

7 I 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

clock-dial that formed his flat, round body ticked 
loudly. All of which showed just how deeply he was 
thinking. 

“I know,” he said suddenly. “Take hold of hands.” 

Then he proceeded to wrap the feet of the Jester 
firmly about a marshmallow tree. “You three keep 
hold of the Jester’s neck. When I draw the sun-cur- 
tains and it becomes dark, just follow the neck, and it 
will lead you safely out of the Dismal Darks.” 

The Duke then stretched the rubber neck and body 
of the faithful Jester until, with the head in his hands, 
he disappeared beyond the brow of a hill. The King 
and his body-guard were quite near and coming rapidly 
when suddenly everything became absolutely black 
once more. Then with their hands sliding over the 
tightly-stretched neck of their friend, Lucile and Nic- 
Nac proceeded cautiously, Jupiter holding the skirt of 
his young mistress. For several minutes they groped 
this way, and then the dark lifted. Before them on a 
marble bridge, which spanned a crystal stream, stood 
the Duke holding firmly the sadly-stretched head of 
72 


THE DISMAL DARKS 

the Jester. King Danno and his soldiers, lost in the 
darkness, were nowhere to be seen. 

“Look out,” said the Jester, very feebly, “I’m going 
to let go with my feet.” 

So tightly was his beautifully colored body stretched 
that upon releasing his feet from around the marshmal- 
low tree his body shot high into the air and disappeared 
from sight over the crest of a hill in the country just 
ahead. There he reappeared in a series of terrific 
bounces and then sank completely from view. 

“He’s all right,” the Duke assured them. “You will 
find him safe and sound when you catch up with him.” 

Then he wished them good luck and bade them good- 
by. Lucile, the Foolish Idea and Jupiter crossed the 
marble bridge and, after climbing a long hill, found 
the Jester tired and weak from the stretching he had 
undergone, but happy and cheerful over the fact that 
he had been the means of saving them from the King 
of Why. 


73 


CHAPTER VII 


THE GIGANTIC GERMS 

The travelers were so fatigued from their adventure 
in the Domain of the Dismal Darks that they threw 
themselves down and slept in the peaceful valley into 
which the Jester had fallen after his long bounce. 
Next morning, having refreshed themselves with the 
plum pudding and tarts that grew on the trees at the 
wayside, they took their seats upon the moving pave- 
ment to renew their quest of the Sapient Sage. 

They had not journeyed far before they became 
aware of a faint, distant screaming which sounded very 
much like the noise made by a lot of young pigs under 
a gate. As they proceeded, the sounds became plainer 
and plainer until the noise became almost deafening. 
Then it was that they discovered that the screams came 

74 


THE GIGANTIC GERMS 

from a long row of iron pens in a big meadow to the 
right. 

Leaving the pavement for a closer look, they found 
in the pens the oddest creatures Lucile had ever seen 
— far stranger even than she had beheld in the menager- 
ies of the circuses or in picture-books of African wild 
beasts or in the nightmares that sometimes caused her 
to scream out in her sleep. The monsters were about 
the size of a grizzly bear and were covered with soft 
fur of various, brilliant colors. Most of them had no 
heads, but were all bodies and legs or feelers — dozens 
of squirming, writhing limbs that kept moving and 
creeping about as if striving to get hold of something. 

The Gigantic Germs, as the Jester described them, 
seemed to be under the charge of a number of little men, 
who wore blue goggles and carried heavy, black books 
from which they read steadily as they attended the 
creatures. But, while all the Germ-keepers were short 
and wore blue spectacles, the likeness ended there. 
For some of them were so fat as to be almost round; 
others were so slim that Lucile could see the outlines of 

75 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

their bones through the skin. Some had skins blue as 
the sky; some were pink as roses; some yellow as the 
peeling of a banana. Others were lavender and purple 
and pea-green and orange and coal-black. While a 
number lay fast asleep on the grass, others hopped and 
skipped and jumped high into the air, never stopping 
to rest or get breath. 

As Lucile gazed at the strange sight of a blue, fat, 
Germ-keeper leaping over the heads of a row of yel- 
low, slim keepers, she heard a loud cry of alarm from 
the Foolish Idea just behind her. Turning, she saw 
that a big, green, star-shaped Germ had escaped from 
his keepers and was endeavoring to seize the badly- 
frightened Idea. Another Germ, which had feelers 
like a great crawfish and a fluked tail like a whale, was 
reaching for the Jester. 

Immediately the frightened travelers ran for their 
lives along a pretty shell road that wound through the 
country of the Germs. The keepers took after the Gi- 
gantic Germs, but, being so short, they were unable to 
run fast. The Germs were very clumsy and Lucile 
76 


THE GIGANTIC GERMS 

and her comrades had little difficulty in keeping away 
from them. Unfortunately, however, the road, turn- 
ing suddenly, dipped into a hollow enclosed by steep 
cliffs which nothing but a spider could ever have 
climbed. Thus they had to stand at bay and await 
tremblingly the fate in store for them. 

“I tell you / 5 said the Jester, turning suddenly upon 
the shuddering Nic-Nac, “if you will pop into their 
heads with one of your foolish ideas, it might start 
them on some other business and we could get away / 5 

“Thank you, but I am trying to become a wise Idea 
and give up all those foolish notions which have made 
me so much laughed at / 5 answered the Foolish Idea, 
with dignity. 

“Tut, tut ! 55 scolded the Jester. “A foolish idea in 
their heads just now would be a very wise idea indeed. 
Hurry, here they come ! 55 

“But they haven’t any heads / 5 Nic-Nac further ob- 
jected. “And they can’t have ideas in their legs or 
bodies . 55 

“Oh, do something — please, quick ! 55 broke in Lucile, 

77 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

as the Gigantic Germs appeared at the mouth of the 
hollow. 

“You make them laugh,” suggested the Foolish Idea 
to the Jester. 

“What a foolish idea!” retorted the Jester. 

“Oh, no, it isn’t,” persisted Nic-Nac. “You’re a 
jester and it’s your business to make things laugh. If 
they laugh, they won’t be angry and will go away.” 

“But how can they laugh when they haven’t any 
heads?” argued the Jester. 

“They have mouths on their feelers,” insisted Nic- 
Nac. “A mouth can laugh — and it can bite, too.” 

At that the Jester, advancing toward the Gigantic 
Germs, began to twist his brilliantly-colored rubber 
body into knots, to flatten himself out, to roll into a 
ball, and to do other ludicrous capers in the effort to 
make the odd creatures laugh. His contortions were so 
funny that Lucile and the Foolish Idea laughed until 
the tears ran down their cheeks, but the Germs only 
gaped with their wide, fishy mouths. Finally the 
Jester turned his face inside out and shook it at the 


THE GIGANTIC GERMS 



grumpy-looking monsters. The star-shaped Germ 
thrust forward a long feeler and bit the Jester on the 
left heel. Instantly the Jester turned green from head 


As they stood horrified at the sudden transforma- 
tion of their friend, the Germ-keepers ran up. At 
their head was a somewhat taller keeper, who frowned 

79 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

deeply, like Lucile’s father, and carried a very heavy, 
black book, on the cover of which Lucile read the words, 
“On Certain Man-eating Tendencies of the Tiddledy- 
winkus, the Sizzle-mo-diddles and other Germs.” 

“Dear me,” exclaimed the tall Germ-keeper, “whom 
have we here — what’s the matter, and where are you 
going?” 

Lucile told the story of their flight from King Danno 
and their quest of the Sapient Sage, and then explained 
how the Jester, being bitten by the star-shaped Germ, 
had suddenly lost his beautiful red, orange, blue, pur- 
ple and pink stripes. 

“I don’t see that there is any harm done,” said the 
leader of the Germ-keepers. “Green is a pretty color.” 

“Now he can pass himself off for a frog or a cucumber 
or a watermelon,” said one of the keepers. 

“Or a horse-pasture,” suggested another. 

“Or a flag of Ireland or anything green,” said an- 
other. 

“But I don’t want to look like any of those things,” 
objected the Jester. “I want my beautiful stripes. 
8o 


THE GIGANTIC GERMS 

Some day they may help me make people laugh, which 
is the dearest aim of my life.” 

“Oh, that’s it,” remarked the leader, frowning so 
deeply that his blue goggles sank into a great crease in 
his forehead. “Then I must look in the book and see.” 

He turned the leaves of the big book to a page headed 
“Neeners and bamboes — bites of,” and read a while; 
then he called to several of the keepers to bring certain 
of the Gigantic Germs. 

“You will have to be bitten by the Purplicus, the 
Crimsonicus, the Yellowissimus, the Polly wog-Pinkus 
and other Germs,” he said to the Jester. “It is the 
only way to get back your stripes, and it will not hurt 
you, as you are a rubber man.” 

A hundred-legged purple Germ, attended by a pur- 
ple-skinned keeper, was led up and bit the Jester upon 
the thumb, whereupon a gorgeous, purple stripe ap- 
peared upon his body. Then other Germs, yellow, 
pink, blue, crimson and brown, came up one after the 
other and snapped at the Jester until he was far more 

brilliant than he had been before, 

8 1 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Many, many thanks!” cried the rubber man, clap- 
ping his hands. “Now I have prettier stripes than a 
barber’s pole or a stick of peppermint candy.” 

The tall Germ-keeper next proposed to conduct 
them on a round of inspection among the Gigantic 




THE GIGANTIC GERMS 

“The germs you have in your country / 5 he explained, 
“are so small that about forty million live in a drop of 
water and you have to look through the microscope to 
see them. Most of them live inside of people, too. 
Here the germs are all gigantic and of many kinds. 
We have lazy germs and industrious germs and pink 
germs and purple germs and angry germs and happy 
germs and all kinds of germs. They have all bitten 
their keepers, and by looking at the keeper, you can tell 
just what kind of a germ he attends . 55 

“Here is a new kind. What is this ? 55 asked Lucile, 
pointing toward a keeper, who sat upon a fence laugh- 
ing so heartily that she could not see how he managed 
to keep from falling. 

“He has been bitten by the Bugissimus Laughissi- 
mus , 55 explained their conductor. “Any one bitten by 
that Germ must laugh the rest of his life and finally die 
laughing . 55 

“If I were a Bugissimus Laughissimus I would have 
no trouble making laughs / 5 said the Jester, sadly. 

“Now this keeper / 5 said the tall man, pointing to- 

83 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

ward a fat, little keeper, who sat wailing in a fence 
corner, “has been bitten by the Bacillus Cry-baby-en- 
sis. This sleepy fellow has been bitten by the Snoozle- 
wogg, and the one over here was bitten by the Do-re- 
mi-fa-so-la-si Bug and has been singing c Johnny-get- 
your-hair-cut’ for the last forty-nine years. But you 
will be wanting to continue your journey before King 
Danno overtakes you — ” 


84 


THE GIGANTIC GERMS 

“It’s too late now,” spoke up the Foolish Idea, point- 
ing down the road toward a party of mounted men 
who were galloping rapidly. 

‘Ooh — what shall we do?” cried Lucile, wringing 
her hands. 

“I — I — I don’t know,” stammered the tall Germ- 
keeper. “I’ll just look in the book and see.” He be- 
gan to turn the leaves of the big, black volume. “Here 
it tells how to tell the stars from the star-fishes, and 
here it tells how to make knitting-needle-soup, but I 
don’t see a thing about escaping from unhappy kings.” 

“I tell you,” cried Nic-Nac, “let the Brownissimus 
Bugissimus bit us, and we’ll stand very still so that 
he will think we are Indian cigar-signs.” 

“Hum-hum, not a bad idea,” said the guide, “but 
I have a better one now.” 

He gave some hurried orders to a slow and indolent 
keeper, who shuffled down the road with a weary-look- 
ing Germ. As the King’s horsemen approached, the 
big, lazy Germ suddenly began biting right and left, 
King, man and beast. King Danno and his soldiers, 

85 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

tumbling from their horses, sank into the soft grass by 
the roadside. Their horses also sprawled out. Lucile 
and her companions, fearing that some harm had come 
to King Danno, were greatly distressed. But the tall 
Germ-keeper explained that the King’s party had 
merely been bitten by the Lazy-Lolly-Wogg and would 
be sleepy and indolent until Lucile had escaped from 
the Germ-Country at which time he would have the 
Ginger-Wiggles restore the royal party. 

“And now, if you will sit upon the backs of the Gin- 
ger-Wiggles, I will have them take you to the movable 
highway.” 

The travelers then climbed upon the fuzzy backs of 
the great Ginger-Wiggles, who carried them in a short 
while to the familiar, couch-lined pavement, which 
rapidly whisked them away from the haunts of the Gi- 
gantic Germs. 


tmm 



Suddenly there was a great splash 










CHAPTER VIII 


THE RHYTHMICAL REALM OF RHYMO 

Early next morning the pilgrims awoke to find them- 
selves in a beautiful, green country abloom with won- 
derful flowers and alive with singing birds. As soon 
as Lucile had her eyes well open, she exclaimed : 

“What pretty country is this"? It is the most beau- 
tiful I have seen in the Kingdom of Why.” 

“It is the Rhythmical Realm of Rhymo,” the Jester 
informed her, “and it is, indeed, the most lovely of all 
the lands of Why. It is here that all the rhymes and 
all the poetry are made, and such a land must, of course, 
be bright and beautiful.” 

“What is a rhyme?” asked the Foolish Idea, who 
really knew very little about things outside his own 
cabbage-head. 

“It’s where lines of words end with the same sound,” 
explained the Jester, “like — 

87 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


“Mister Tupper 
Come to supper.” 

“Or 

“Little Boy Blue 
Has lost his shoe,” 

said Lucile. 

“What a beautiful idea and how very different 
from my own foolish notions,” said Nic-Nac. “The 
first rhyme I see I shall put it in my cedar chest next to 
my shiny, brass heart.” 

After getting well into the heart of the Rhythmical 
Realm they left the pavement in order to observe the 
style of the houses and the character of the inhabitants. 
Directly in front of them was a village of exquisitely 
colored block-houses, all circular in shape with tops 
that ran to a sharp point. Above the doors of the 
houses were signs bearing in golden, perfectly-shaped 
letters the queerest jingling inscriptions, as 


Or 


Amos Head, 
Dealer in Bread. 


William Wooz, 
Mender of Shoes. 


88 


THE REALM OF RHYMO 


Gem Peanut Store; 

Closes at four. 

Rambling about among the houses were pale, 
dreamy-eyed, little men, with hair so long that it 
dragged on the grass behind them. Each little man 



carried under the right arm a big book and under the 
other a peculiar, musical instrument something like a 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

guitar. As they walked to and fro among the fra- 
grant flowers, they moved their lips constantly as if 
repeating something to themselves. When they 
stopped to speak to one another, they accompanied 
their words with the sweetest, tinkle-tinkle music 
from the guitar-like instruments. Lucile noticed that 
they spoke, even of the most every-day things, only in 
jingles. One of the Rhymoes stopped to address an- 
other : 

“Whither away 
This pretty day*?” 

The second Rhymo answered, playing his instrument 
as he spoke: 

“I am bound to the Zoo 

To hear the lions coo.” 

Just then one of the Rhymoes flopped down on the 
grass, crying out, “I’m all a-tingle with a new jingle !” 

All the Rhymoes came running. 

“Scissors and pigs 
And elephant wigs,” * 

the Rhymo cried triumphantly; and the others, nod- 
ding approvingly, wrote the new jingle in their books. 

90 


THE REALM OF RHYMO 

Presently another Rhymo cried out that he had a 
rhyme, which turned out to be 

“Chocolates and cheese 
And butterflies’ knees.” 

And then another sang out: 

“It’s pickles and pups 
When the zebra sups.” 

After watching this rhyme-making for some time, the 
Jester exclaimed, 

“What a funny thing, 

That every one should sing !” 

“You made a rhyme 
That very time,” 

said Lucile, surprised to find herself talking so queerly. 

“We have all turned poet, 

But don’t seem to know it,” 

said the Foolish Idea. 

And even Jupiter began to patter all the words that 
rhymed with his beloved red, such as “Ed,” “bed,” 
“bread,” “head,” “Ted,” “Ned,” “said” and “wed.” 
For some reason they were speaking in rhymes just as 
the people of Rhymo did all the time. 

91 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

While Jupiter stood pattering his red-rhymes, a 
gorgeously robed Rhymo, with black hair so long it 
trailed upon the grass for yards and yards behind him, 
approached the party, and, playing sweetly on his 
stringed instrument, addressed them, 

“Oh, pray tell me your names, 

[Your purposes and aims. 5 ’ 

Lucile, speaking in rhymes without the slightest ef- 
fort, explained their mission. The long-haired man 
then informed them that he was the Poet Laureate, of 
Rhymo, and that he would gladly assist them upon 
their journey. He said, however, that the only road 
they could take out of the Realm of Rhymo was blocked 
by the Great Gate of Rhymes, which no one— not even 
the King of Why — could pass without first uttering a 
word to rhyme with the word posted upon the great 
gate and which was changed for each traveler. He 
would gladly lend them Pegasus, the winged horse of 
the Rhymoes, with whose assistance they could reach 
die gate before night fell. 


9 2 


THE REALM OF RHYMO 

Lucile and her companions were only too glad to 
mount the great, white horse with wings and a back 
broad enough to hold them all, including Jupiter and 
the Poet Laureate. Soon they were flying rapidly 
over the beautiful Realm of Rhymo. Here and there 
were great, brick factories, with strains of music pour- 
ing out of their chimneys, instead of thick, black, ugly 
smoke. These were rhyme-factories where all the 
jingles were made into poetry-books, the Poet Laure- 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

After flying over miles and miles of the pretty, cir- 
cular houses of the Rhymoes, they came at last to a 
great, golden gate completely blocking the movable 
road, and so high that not even Pegasus could have 
flown over the top. They dismounted and Lucile ap- 
proached the gate. Immediately upon a big slab set 
in the gate there appeared the word “noodles.” 

“Poodles,” said Lucile, and there opened in the great, 
golden gate a hole just the size and shape of Lucile, 
through which she and none other could pass. 

As soon as Lucile had passed through, the Foolish 
Idea neared the gate. Instantly a new word appeared : 
“blossom.” 

The Foolish Idea thought hard, but, as he was such 
a scatter-brained fellow, he could think of nothing bet- 
ter than “sausage” and “ostrich” and “tassel.” 

“You had better hurry, 

Of there will be a great flurry,” 

sang out the Poet Laureate, pointing down the road. 

Sure enough, coming swiftly up the highway and 
raising a great cloud of dust, was a gigantic, black 
94 


THE REALM OF RHYMO 

steed, bearing upon its back a party of soldiers. This, 
the Poet Laureate declared, was Erebella, the swift 
nightmare of the Dismal Darks, which the King had 
managed somehow to obtain. The closeness of the 
danger so frightened the Foolish Idea that he cried out 
“O’possum!” whereupon the golden gate opened to 
just his size, and he passed through. 

Jupiter, who came next, was confronted with the 
word “overhead.” 

“Turkey-red,” he bleated, and passed through the 
newly-opened hole of goat-size. 

But the Jester was to have no such easy time. As he 
stepped up to the gate, there appeared the word “ant- 
eater.” 

“Aunt Edith,” said the Jester, but no hole appeared. 

“Be quick with your rhyme, 

For there is slight time,” 

called the Poet Laureate. 

The Jester scratched a few flecks of red and yellow 
paint off his head, in his effort to conjure up the neces- 
sary rhyme. 


95 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Antelope-feeder,” he tried again, but there still ap- 
peared no hole of Jester-size. 

“Make haste, oh, make haste 
There ’s no time to waste,” 

cried the Poet Laureate, for King Danno was almost 


Band-leader , 55 said the Jester; and the golden wall 
opened. 

But the opening was so close a fit that the Jester had 
to squeeze through very slowly. Before he could get 
96 


THE REALM OF RHYMO 

entirely through, King Danno had seized him by the 
foot. The Foolish Idea and Lucile, who were waiting 
on the other side, grabbed him by the head and began 
to pull. As they proceeded along the road with his 
head, the Jester stretched flat and thin as a sheet of 
bright bunting. Suddenly the King released the foot 
at the gate, throwing Lucile, the Foolish Idea and the 
Jester into a heap in the road. Then they heard a 
great muttering of angry words from the other side of 
the gate — “porridge,” “hogshead,” “olive” and 
“orang-outang.” 

“Oho! The King is trying to make a rhyme for 
‘orange,’ ” cried the Jester. “I saw that word go up 
on the gate as I squeezed through.” 

“Then he will be a long time getting through,” said 
Lucile, “for I have heard there is no rhyme for ‘orange’ 
in the language. And as I am very tired and sleepy, I 
propose to lie down.” 

Following Lucile’s suggestion, the travelers threw 
themselves upon the grass and slept. And the last 
sound that fell upon their ears was the voice of the 
King — “outrage,” “florid,” “Norwich,” “onslaught;” 
“pottage,” “cottage.” 


97 


CHAPTER IX 


OVER THE RAINBOW 

Lucile was awakened next morning by the shrill 
voice of the Foolish Idea. 

“What a pretty landscape ! Everything in sight has 
a colored border.” 

Lucile, rubbing her sleepy eyes, was amazed to see 
that the trees, rocks, fences, houses and everything else 
were tinted about the edges with the seven colors, vio- 
let, indigo, blue, green, yellow, orange and red, just as 
when one looks at objects through one of those queer ly- 
shaped glasses called prisms. 

“This is Rainbow Land,” explained the Jester. “It 
is where all the colors in the Kingdom of Why are 
made. I think I shall get me a brand-new suit. It 
will help me make some one laugh at my poor jokes.” 

“And I think I shall have this pink dress colored 

98 


OVER THE RAINBOW 

orange or green or blue,” said Lucile, with a sigh. 
“It is getting disgracefully dirty.” 

“And I hope to find a lot of red in such a country,” 
sighed Jupiter. “I am tired of all the green and white 
and black things I have been trying to eat.” 

Much refreshed by their long slumber, they left the 
movable pavement and walked rapidly along the 
pretty, flower-lined road. Before they had gone very 
far, a man stepped suddenly from one of the color- 

j 

bordered houses. He was a very queer, little man, 



99 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

being banded with seven broad and brilliant stripes, 
encircling his body. Thus his hat was of violet; his 
head, a brilliant indigo; his neck, blue; his chest, a 
pretty shade of green; his waist, yellow; his legs, 
orange, and his feet, red. 

“Good morning, travelers,” said the seven-colored 
man, bowing clear to the ground and lifting his violet 
hat. “I am the Royal Rainbow-ologist. I bid you 
welcome to Rainbow Land. May I ask who you are, 
from whence you come, and whither you are bound?” 

When the Jester had informed him of their purposes, 
the Rainbow-ologist shook his head. “We are now at 
work mixing the paints to re-color the rainbow and put 
it in good shape for the autumn rains. But, as you 
doubtless know, it does not become visible until the 
rains come out of Cloud Land, and no one knows when 
that will be. Hence you may be delayed in using the 
rainbow to cross the Gulf of Nobody-Knows-How- 
Deep. It is the only way to get across.” 

“We can’t wait too long,” sighed Lucile, looking 
behind her, “or the King of Why will overtake us and 


IOO 


OVER THE RAINBOW 

force me to be Queen Sugar-and-Spice the Fourteenth.” 

“Well, it can’t be helped,” said the Royal Rainbow- 
ologist, shrugging his green shoulders. “Meanwhile, 
I dare say you would like to see the Rainbow-Artists 
mix the colors.” 

“Indeed, we should,” cried the travelers. And Jupi- 
ter added, “Red first.” 

The seven-striped man led them down a long hill to 
a great pool of what appeared to be greenish water. 
All around the pool were scores of little men, much 
like the Royal Rainbow-ologist, except that they were 
green from the tips of their hats to the soles of their 
shoes. All of them were busily engaged throwing into 
the pool handsful of grass, leaves, frogs, cucumbers, 
pickles, peas, everything and anything green that they 
could lay their hands on. 

“Why do they throw all those pickles and frogs into 
the pool?” questioned Lucile. 

“It is to make the paint for the green portion of the 
rainbow,” explained the Rainbow-ologist. “See what 
a fine color it is becoming.” And, indeed, the great 


IOI 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

pool was changing into a deeper, richer green every 
minute. 

The seven-striped man next conducted them to the 
great red pool, where the Rainbow-Artists were throw- 
ing in great quantities of roses and brickbats and roos- 
ter-combs and geraniums and radishes. 

“Yum-yum !” cried Jupiter, and began to lap greedily 
at the bright crimson mixture. Suddenly there was a 
great splash, followed by a frantic “Baa-a-a-a!” The 
greedy goat had leaned too far over the edge of the 
pool and was now coming to the surface to flounder 
wildly about. The Jester and the Idea, running to 
his assistance, soon had him out upon the bank. But, 
wonder of wonders ! Where before he had been a pure 
and snowy white, poor Jupiter was now as red from 
head to foot as any flamingo that ever stalked across 
a swamp. The Royal Rainbow-ologist shook his head. 

“You will always be as red as you are now,” he de- 
clared. “The colors of the rainbow won’t come off.” 

“Then I am glad I fell into the pool,” laughed Ju- 
piter, “for I would rather be red than king.” 


102 


OVER THE RAINBOW 

The Rainbow-ologist next conducted them to the 
blue pool, which the Rainbow-Artists were coloring 
with immense quantities of bluebird-feathers and blue- 
berries. After that came the yellow pool, colored with 
canary-bird feathers and jonquils and buttercups; the 
orange pool, filled with orange-peeling and tiger-lilies ; 
the violet pool, colored with innumerable bunches of 
violets ; and the indigo pool, into which loads and loads 
of indigo were being emptied. At each of the great 
vats the Jester allowed himself to be painted until at 
the close of the round of inspection he appeared more 
brilliant than he had ever been. Lucile had her faded 
pink dress dyed a spick-span blue, and the Foolish 
Idea repainted his cedar chest and table legs. 

After they had made the round of the great color 
pools, the Rainbow-ologist conducted them to a deep, 
wide gulf across which it seemed that no living thing 
could hope to pass. Upon the other side of the gulf 
they could see nothing but clouds, great piles and 
stacks of white and gray clouds that looked to be moun- 
tains of foam. 


103 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 



104 




OVER THE RAINBOW 

‘‘You can do nothing now except to sit here and wait 
until the clouds come over from Cloud Land and cause 
it to rain/’ explained the Royal Rainbow-ologist. 
“After it rains, the rainbow will be visible and you 
can cross upon it. Of course, no one knows just when 
it will rain. We have been waiting for weeks to paint 
it when it appears/’ 

“But we can’t wait too long,” complained Lucile. 
“The King always manages to get past the things that 
stop him for a while, and he will catch up with us.” 

It did not rain that day nor the next nor the next. 
Across the great gulf there were black clouds, light,, 
fleecy clouds, and gorgeous pink-and-gold clouds, but 
on the Rainbow-Land side the sun shone and shone 
until Lucile thought it would never, never rain. The 
Foolish Idea tried to borrow an umbrella and throw 
it into the gulf, saying that he had always heard that 
if one lost his umbrella it was sure to rain. 

“That is only a joke,” said the Jester, “but not one 
of mine — alas — for it has made people laugh.” 

“It is another of my foolish ideas,” lamented Nic- 
105 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

Nac. “It looks as if I would never have serious 
thoughts about serious matters such as dynamite and 
ducks and diplomacy and doughnuts.” 

Finally, however, the big, black clouds rolled over 
the gulf from Cloud Land, and it rained and rained 
so that Lucile and her companions had to take refuge 
in one of the color-bordered houses until they feared 
another flood had come. Then the rain ceased and, 
just as the Rainbow-ologist had said, there was the 
rainbow, spanning the great, deep, dark gulf of No- 
body-Knows-How-Deep and forming a wonderfully 
beautiful bridge across the chasm. But this rainbow 
was not like the dim, far-away rainbows you have seen 
in the skies after it has quit raining and you can go out 
and play frog-in-the-meadow-can’t-get-him-out once 
more. It was as high as a church steeple and as wide as 
a great bridge. Each of the colors formed a deck high 
enough for a giraffe to walk in without knocking off 
the spider webs with his head. 

Instantly the Rainbow-Artists climbed all over the 
mammoth arch and began to paint. Lucile, acting on 
106 


OVER THE RAINBOW 

the Rainbow-ologist’s advice, entered the lower, red 
deck. 

“Good-by,” said the Rainbow-ologist. “You had 
best hurry, as, if the sun should come out, the rainbow 



then, ascending a flight of steps, they passed into the 
orange deck, and then through the yellow and green 
and blue and indigo decks to the violet section, which 
was very, very high in the air. After this, they began 


107 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

the downward journey. When they had almost 
reached the other side, there was a great clatter and 
the rainbow shook violently. 

“It is the King ! 55 cried the Jester. “At last he will 
catch us, and Lucile must be Queen of Why, and I 
shall never, never make any one laugh/’ 

“Nor I get any good, common sense into this cab- 
bage-head of mine,” lamented Nic-Nac. 

The clatter of their pursuers became louder, while 
the rainbow swayed and swung with the unaccustomed 
load. The pilgrims put forth all their strength, but 
being exhausted from the long climb up the seven color- 
decks, they could not go much faster. A great shouting 
behind them attracted their attention and, looking 
back, they saw that King Danno and his soldiers had 
gained the highest point of the rainbow and were ready 
for the downward dash. 

“We shall never get away from him now,” moaned 
the Jester. 

“But look!” exclaimed the Foolish Idea. “The sun 
is coming out.” 


108 



Four tigers stood upon one another’s heads and sang a song 












































































OVER THE RAINBOW 

“And the rainbow is fading/’ cried Lucile. 

Sure enough the brilliant tints of the great arch were 
fast becoming pale and dim. 

“We must hurry or we shall fall into the gulf / 5 said 
the Jester. 

They put forth what strength they had left and, 
although they were soon feeling their way down a sharp 
slant which they could no longer see, it was but a few 
minutes until they stepped upon solid ground. 

“I wonder what became of the King ? 55 said Lucile. 

“He will just have to stand still up there until it 
rains again / 5 said the Jester. “He will never dare move 
from that height while he can not see the rainbow . 55 

“Oho ! 55 cried Nic-Nac, suddenly. “Look back and 
you will see him . 55 

Lucile turned her head to behold far, far above them 
a group of men, who seemed no bigger than birds and 
who appeared to be floating in thin, blue air. And in 
her heart of hearts the little girl could not help but 
feel sorry for the unhappy Monarch imprisoned so many 
hundred feet above the ground on a great rainbow 
which he could not see. 

109 


CHAPTER X 


CLOUD LAND 

The country in which the travelers now found them- 
selves was gray and damp, without a blade of grass or 
a green tree or a rose bush to be seen anywhere. In 
the distance along the movable highway which ran on 
from the end of the great rainbow bridge, they could 
see cloud upon cloud piled high as the sky. Not a 
house was in sight. 

“We shall never, never find our way through that 
great bunch of clouds,” complained Lucile. “What 
shall we do? Has any one an idea?” 

“I have none but foolish ones,” said Nic-Nac, sadly. 

“Let us go ahead,” suggested the Jester, “and when 
we get to the clouds perhaps there will appear an open- 
ing among them. The road must go on somewhere.” 

They stepped upon the moving pavment and within 


I IO 


CLOUD LAND 


a few minutes, just as the Jester had said, the pave- 
ment passed into a great, high tunnel formed by a 
goldy-pink cloud and a fluffy, white cloud piling 
against each other. Within this strange cloud-tunnel 
the light was the softest, prettiest mixture of pink and 
yellow. 

On and on they sped through the cloud-tunnel, every 
hundred feet disclosing some new and beautiful color 
in the roof above their heads. Once, when all had 
their heads upturned, marveling at an exquisite com- 
bination of violet and orange, the highway passed be- 
neath a low-hanging cloud, which raked their heads and 
filled their open mouths with water. 

“Br-r-r-r!” choked the Jester, pressing his rubber 
sides together and spouting a column of water from 
his mouth. “That was a rain-cloud we ran into.” 

When they had proceeded for some minutes through 
the wonderful cloud-tunnel, the movable platform 
stopped abruptly. A great, bass voice from the green- 
ish cloud-wall at their side sounded so suddenly that 
they started : 


I i I 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Now, what do you want? Come to kick about the 
weather, I suppose.” 

After they had looked about them very closely, they 
discovered that the voice proceeded from an old, gray- 
bearded man of some thin, smoke-like substance, so 
delicate that one could see right through him. There 
was a tremendous scowl upon the old man’s face as he 
continued : 

“If you’ve come to ask for a hot spell in January or 
snow-storms in July, you’d just as well go back. Why 
can’t people be satisfied with the weather?” The old 
man twisted his face into a hideous leer and began to 
dance about in such a wild fit of rage that Lucile and 
her companions drew back in fright. 

“Please, sir,” the Jester said, very timidly, “we 
haven’t come to kick about the weather if that is what 
you think. We are merely journeying to find the Sapi- 
ent Sage to find out what is what and why.” 

“Oh!” grunted the old man, much relieved. “Then 
your road is straight ahead of you, though you must 
transfer at the Bureau of Winds and Weather. And 


i i 2 


CLOUD LAND 

as you do not know where that is, I suppose I must 
accompany you / 5 

He stepped upon the platform, which immediately 
began to move forward. “You see, I am the Wizard of 
the Weather,” he explained, “and the only people who 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

come to Cloud Land come to kick about my work. It 
doesn’t make their teacake-trees grow, or they want to 
go on a Sunday-school picnic the day it rains, or they 
don’t have the good, old winters their granddaddies 
had.” The old man shook his thin, transparent head 
and sighed again. 

“It must be very aggravating,” sympathized the 
Jester. 

After another wonderful ride through the cloud-tun- 
nel, which changed constantly from green to gray and 
red and purple and yellow and pink, the platform 
stopped before an opening in the wall of clouds. Look- 
ing up, Lucile was gladdened to see the blue sky once 
more. Fastened on the side of a huge, white cloud 
was a great sign-board, which read : 

Bureau of Winds and Weather, 

Sir Jackson Frost, Prophet. 

Fastened to another cloud was a bulletin-board with 
these inscriptions: 

Dry as All-Get-Out in Idea Land. 

Heavy rains in Southern Why. This insures a fine crop of 
orange marmalade. 

Trade is fine among the trade winds. 

I I 4 


CLOUD LAND 

As they read these queer bulletins, a wise-looking, 
little man, as thin and smoky as the Wizard, hopped 
out of a cloud and tacked up another bulletin : 

It may rain or it may not rain to-morrow in Word Land. 



“Of course,” cried Lucile, “it’s simply bound to do 
one or the other. Anybody could make a prediction 
as good as that.” 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

The little man winked slyly. “But they couldn’t 
make a better one,” he said. “You see, a prediction 
like that simply can’t fail to come true one way or the 
other. That is the kind we always post, and that is 
why we never make mistakes.” 

Another little man came out of the clouds and posted 
a bulletin, which read: 

Long dry spell in Germ Land. Reported that die pepper- 
mint-candy crop will lose its red stripes. 

“Here,” called the Wizard of the Weather to an as- 
sistant, “you’d better take one of those big, black clouds 
and sail over to Germ Land. Give ’em about two 
hours’ rain. Sprinkle all the peppermint trees and 
gingerbread bushes and mince-pie vines. No flooding 
now.” 

The little assistant, saluting like a soldier, jumped 
into the heart of the great, black cloud, which immedi- 
ately began to sail upward until it disappeared in the 
direction of the land of the Gigantic Germs. 

“If you will come with me now,” said the Wizard, 
“I will show you how the clouds are made.” 


CLOUD LAND 

They followed eagerly through a rift in the clouds 
until they came to an open space, in the center of which 
was an immense lake of water. On the shore of this 



fires caused streams of vapor to ascend constantly from 
the surface of the water, and these streams united in 
the air to form rain-clouds. As each cloud floated up, 
a Cloud-Man jumped inside to take charge of it. 

I 17 


/ 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“When we want snow clouds, we float them up high 
and let them freeze/’ explained the Wizard. 

“But doesn’t that freeze the Cloud-Man inside?” in- 
quired the Foolish Idea. 

“Oh, no,” replied the Wizard; “you see, we Cloud- 
People are so thin we never feel rain or cold or heat 
or snow. The only things we mind are kicks — kicking 
about the weather when we do the best we can. But 
what in all Cloud Land is this?” 

Lucile and the others, looking back, beheld King 
Danno and a score of his soldiers galloping down upon 
them through the rift in the clouds. They looked hur- 
riedly about for some way of escape, but in every direc- 
tion there were clouds, clouds, clouds. 

“Here goes!” cried Jupiter, and, selecting a pretty, 
reddish cloud, he bounded plump into the heart of it. 
Without stopping to think, Lucile, the Idea and the 
Jester jumped after him. As soon as they were inside 
the fluffy, red cloud, their ears were filled with the most 
terrific roaring and rumbling. Quick, blinding flashes 
of light appeared before their eyes, and it seemed as 
I 18 


CLOUD LAND 


though some one was pouring water over their heads 
and shoulders. In a few seconds they were drenched 
thoroughly. Lucile, badly frightened, called to the 
Jester, but the uproar was so great she could not hear 
her own voice, nor could she see her faithful, rubber 
friend because of the blinding flashes. The water, too, 
was beginning to rise about her on every side so that 
she feared she would drown. 

“Oh, if I were only home in Chicago sitting dry and 
warm and watching Daddy read from his big, black 
book!” she murmured. 

Then her right hand got hold of something soft and 
hairy, which she knew to be Jupiter, and her left hand 
grasped something smooth and yielding, which she knew 
to be the Jester, and she felt herself lifted from her feet 
and carried on the surface of a rushing river through 
a rain of fire and an uproar of thunder, on, on, on, she 
knew not where. Drifting, drifting, drifting, she 
finally dropped into a tired sleep, from which, ages after 
it seemed, she awakened with a bump. Looking about 
her, she saw that the Jester, the Idea and Jupiter were 

I 19 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

beside her upon the top of a great rock. On one side 
of the rock there flowed a wide, swift stream of water, 
and all that part of Cloud Land through which they had 
passed was swept with a tremendous thunder-storm 
and cloud-burst. 


“That’s what Jupiter turned loose when he butted 
into that red cloud,” remarked the Jester. 


I 20 


CLOUD LAND 

“I do hope the Weather Wizard didn’t get drowned,” 
said Lucile. 

“You can’t drown a wizard,” replied the Jester, “but 
I wonder what happened to the King.” 

“He’ll come through all right,” assured the Foolish 
Idea. “He’s King of Why and the Cloud-People are 
bound to protect him. But how fine and warm it is 
on the other side of the rock. We’re almost dry al- 
ready. Let’s go to sleep.” 

In another minute he was fast asleep and the others 
lost no time in following his example. And Lucile 
dreamed that the world was in flood again and that 
she was housekeeper on the Ark, which was being pur- 
sued by King Danno in an air-ship. 


I 2 I 


CHAPTER XI 


THE POOLS OF A THOUSAND DREAMS 

When they awakened, the sun was high in the sky. 
On the Cloud Land side of the great rock, the waters 
had gone down and it was quite dry. The movable 
sidewalk passed steadily before them into a bright, 
green country of chirruping birds and fragrant blos- 
soms. 

“Let us be going,” advised Lucile, “for King Danno 
is sure to come out of Cloud Land just as he does ev- 
erywhere else.” 

Without delay they took their seats upon the pave- 
ment and were soon bowling at a merry clip through 
the pleasant meadows, nibbling from the breakfast-food 
and buttered-toast trees as they went. They had not 
gone far until the pavement stopped suddenly beside 
a great, deep pool of yellowish stuff, which gave forth 
122 





“What a beautiful — ” began the Foolish Idea 



















* 































































THE POOLS 

a most pleasant smell and from which little puffs of 
steam curled up gently. 

“I do believe it’s Welsh rarebit,” cried Lucile. 
“Mother used to make the best — and I was always so 
fond of it.” 


“It’s more likely to be dandelion custard,” suggested 
Nic-Nac; but, of course, Lucile knew this to be one of 
his foolish ideas. 



“I’m going to taste it, anyhow,” said Lucile. She 
dipped her right forefinger into the big vat and licked 
it. “Yum-yum!” she cried, and dipped for another 
bite. 

Then a funny thing happened. It began to rain ele- 
phants. Great, awkward elephants, with snaky trunks 
and long, sharp tusks and red-and-gold cloths upon 
123 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

their backs, fell from the sky so thick and fast that they 
shut out the green fields, the sidewalk and her com- 
panions from her sight. And, as the elephants hit the 
ground, they turned instantly into all kinds of queer 
things — cows, camels, windmills, soldiers, church- 
steeples, grindstones and wheelbarrows. A great, 
golden bell began to ring in one of the church-steeples, 
and all the animals, soldiers, wheelbarrows and things 
ran and jumped over the steeple. They did not come 
back to the ground, but continued to mount higher 
and higher into the air until they were out of sight. 

Then the church changed into Lucile’s mother, who 
asked the little girl when in the world she was coming 
back to Chicago. 

“Not until I have found out how to grow silver thim- 
bles from watermelon seed,” answered Lucile, without 
in the least knowing why she talked so foolishly. 

Then her mother became a great, leather-tailed croco- 
dile, which sang a song about pickled peanuts so loudly 
as to hurt Lucile’s head. And finally the crocodile ex- 
ploded into a thousand pieces, and it rained ice-cream 


THE POOLS 

until the ground was covered and the delicious choco- 
late-flavored stuff climbed higher and higher until it 
was level with Lucile’s mouth and she was almost 
frozen. She saw now that if the cream rose any higher 
she must both smother and freeze to death. So she 
began to eat the cream very rapidly. She was surprised 
to find that it melted in her mouth so easily that after 
a few bites it was all gone. And there stood Jupiter 
and the Jester and the Foolish Idea staring at her as 
if they were crazy. 

“What did you say about green elephants'?” inquired 
the Foolish Idea. 

“And the world full of ice-cream?” asked the Jester. 

“And wheelbarrows with wings?” said Jupiter. 

“Why, you saw them yourselves,” yawned Lucile. 
“Wasn’t it all queer? Where did they come from? 
Where did they go?” 

“Where did who go?” asked all three at once. 

“The camels and soldiers and windmills,” said Lu- 
cile. “Didn’t you see them?” 

“Huh,” snorted the Jester, “you’ve been asleep. I 
125 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

thought you ought not to be eating that Welsh rarebit 
stuff. It always makes me dream that I’m carrying 
the moon around in my pocket.” 

It was with difficulty that Lucile was convinced that 
she had actually dreamed the feverish dream from eat- 
ing the yellow stuff in the pool. When she did un- 
derstand, she desired to make all haste to get away 
from the spot. So they took their seats upon the mov- 
able sidewalk and were soon whisking rapidly through 
the beautiful country. 

They had not proceeded a great distance until the 
sidewalk stopped again in the midst of a number of 
the pools. The huge vats were filled with steaming 
mixtures like the rarebit which had set Lucile dreaming, 
only they were pink and blue and green and other 
bright colors. All around the big vats were little peo- 
ple wearing white, cooks’ caps and aprons, who stirred 
the mixtures with spoons and paddles and sprinkled 
various seasonings into them. 

“Oh,” cried Lucile, “I wish the pavement would 
go on! I am afraid I will have more of those queer 
dreams.” 1 2 6 


THE POOLS 

As she finished speaking, an airy, Frenchified, little 
cook-man, with twirling, upturned mustaches, hopped 
upon the sidewalk. “Dreams, dreams, all kinds of 
dreams,” he chirped. “This is the place where they 
are made. What kind will you have? Something 



about purple zebras or singing mountains or fishes with 
forty eyes?” 


127 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“No, indeed/’ answered Lucile. “I do not wish to 
eat any of the dream food. I tasted some of the rarebit 
back there and the things I saw were simply awful.” 

“Ho, ho!” laughed the airy fellow. “I dare say you 
had a funny dream if you ate that. It is our nightmare 
pool and we never offer it to strangers. But these 
dream-stuffs are different. Here, for instance, in the 
pink pool is the pleasant dream-stuff ; in the green pool 
are the funny dreams; in the orange, sad dreams, and 
so on. Which do you prefer?” 

“Give me a little of that red over there?” asked 
Jupiter. 

“Very well,” said the man, “but that is the silly pool. 
It is perfectly harmless, however.” 

Thus reassured, Lucile and her comrades each took 
a small taste of the dream-mixtures. Lucile and the 
Jester tasted the green, the Jester hoping, in a funny 
dream, to learn something that would assist him in 
making people laugh. The Foolish Idea, however, par- 
took of the orange dream-stuff, as he felt sure a good, 

sad dream would render him less foolish. 

I 28 


THE POOLS 

Lucile had no sooner swallowed the green mixture 
than four tigers, dressed in clown-suits and carrying 
guitars, stood upon one another’s heads and sang a 
song, which ran like this: 

“There was an old lady of Lynn, 

Committed a terrible sin; 

She stole kegs of nails 

And lots of fish-tails 

And drove them all into her chin.” 

After the tigers had finished their song, they began 
to dance in the air fifty feet above the ground. With 
each step they took, they became a different color — 
orange, lavender, purple, brown, pink, blue. The 
sight so amused Lucile that she laughed aloud. She 
was greatly surprised to find that her laughing took 
the sound of a little bell tinkling in her throat. While 
she was still laughing — or rather, tinkling — the tigers 
began to make the most ludicrous faces at her and to 
wink their eyes and throw kisses. This caused Lucile 
to laugh all the louder. At this the bell in her throat 
set up such a great clanging that it awakened her from 
her dream. 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

To her great surprise and dismay, she found King 
Danno standing right at her side. Around him were 
the soldiers of Why. 

“Hello, Lucile !” cried King Danno. “Catching up 
with you at last almost makes me happy. Now you 
will have to be Queen Sugar-and-Spice the Fourteenth. 
Salute Her Majesty !” Then the King and the soldiers 
— and the Jester, the Foolish Idea and Jupiter, too, 
for they thought it was all over — bowed low before 
Lucile. 

But Lucile began to cry, so that some of her tears 
ran down her face and into the green pool of funny 
dreams. 

“Dear, dear!” cried the airy Dream-Mixer. “Don’t 
cry into the pool of fun — you will make it sad. Don’t 
you want to be Queen of Why?” 

“No, indeed,” wailed Lucile. “I don’t want to be 
Queen. I’m an American girl and American girls are 
never queens.” 

“It is too bad,” declared the little Dream-Mixer, “but 

we must give the King something to eat.” 

130 


THE POOLS 

As he said this, he dipped into the pool of fun and 
presented some of the green mixture to the King and 
the soldiers. They were very hungry and ate without 
asking any questions. As soon as they had taken the 
first bites, however, they settled down upon the grass 
by the edge of the pool and fell into a deep sleep. 



They were talking and laughing in their sleep, and 
the King was mumbling something about a yellow 
camel eating the moon. Presently he cackled aloud : 


131 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

‘Oh, ho! That was funny about the moon dancing 
with the walrus. I believe I’m happy for the first time 
in my life. I don’t think I’ll make Lucile Queen of 
Why. Oh, ho— ho, ho!” 

“He is very happy now, while he is enjoying the 
funny dream,” whispered the Dream-Mixer. “But 
when he awakens, he will be seeking you again. You 
had better go.” 

So with many good-bys to the kind Dream-Maker 
and his queer, little assistants, the comrades stepped 
again upon the movable sidewalk, which immediately 
sped upon its way. As they rode, Jupiter told them 
the red stuff had made him dream he was a tin can, 
which they all agreed was very silly. And the Foolish 
Idea declared the orange, sad-dream mixture had made 
him dream that his grandfather had the bronchitis. He 
had wept a lot throughout the vision, but was really 
glad he had dreamed so sad a thing, as he felt sure now 
he would not have another foolish idea in the course of 
the next three hours. 


132 


CHAPTER XII 


THE LAND OF WISH-COM E-TRUE 

After a long ride, they crossed a beautiful, foaming 
stream of lemon phosphate and rested that night be- 
fore a great gate made of what appeared to be an 
immense wish-bone turned upside down. The Jester 
told Lucile that he thought this must be the entrance 
to the Land of Wish-Come-True, as he had always 
heard that the country could be entered only by means 
of a gate constructed from a gigantic wish-bone. With 
the early morning sun they passed through the gate- 
way and soon were speeding on their way through the 
smiling country. 

As they went sailing along, Lucile heard the Foolish 
Idea give a great sigh that made his brass heart clang. 
“I wish I had some really wise ideas about such things 

133 


WISH-COM E-TRU E 


as biology and bibliography and hydraulics and tin- 
tinnabulation,” he exclaimed. 

“I wish we could run across a bit of red scenery,” 
sighed Jupiter. “This green is getting tiresome.” 

Then the Jester sighed and murmured, “I wish I 
could think of something funny to entertain us while 
we are riding along doing nothing.” 

“I wonder why every one is wishing things,” re- 
marked Lucile. “You know, I was just wishing some- 
thing exciting would happen.” 

“It’s because we’re in the Land of Wish-Come-True,” 
replied the Jester. “It’s in the air to wish things, I 
suppose.” 

By this time the movable sidewalk had rounded a 
curve and stopped in the midst of a pretty, little city 
of beautifully colored, stone palaces and castles. 
Walking to and fro in the golden streets of the city 
were dozens of little men, wearing what seemed to be 
dunce-caps much like the one that reposed upon the 
cabbage-head of the Foolish Idea. Hanging from the 
neck of each little man was a wish-bone. As Lucile 

134 


WISH-COM E-TRUE 

and her companions alighted from the sidewalk for the 
purpose of stretching their limbs, one, who seemed to 
be the leader of the Wish-Makers, approached them. 

“Good-morning,” he said politely; “what do you 
wish?” 

“N-n-nothing,” stammered Lucile. 

But the Jester put in quickly, “Oh, yes, you do. 
This is the best opportunity you will ever have to have 
a wish come true.” 

“Yes, every visitor to this country is entitled to one 
wish,” explained the leader of the Wish-Makers. 
“Who will be first?” 

“Lucile first,” suggested the Jester. “Ladies always 
before Foolish Ideas and Jesters and goats.” 

The Wish-Leader invited Lucile to perch herself 
upon a high, green stool and to place her chin in her 
hands. In that way, he explained, she would be more 
able to think of a really good wish. Then he placed a 
pretty, pink cap upon her head and moved a wand rap- 
idly before her face. 

“ Wish- tum-o- wish !” he chanted three times. Where- 

135 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


upon the top of Lucile’s pink cap seemed to puff off 
and a score of brilliantly colored ribbons flew out the 
top and curled and kinked and wound and dangled 
in the air all about her head and face. 





136 


WISH-COM E-TRU E 

“Now wish,” commanded the leader. “The beauti- 
ful, twirling ribbons are to make you have beautiful 
thoughts while you are wishing.” 

But, instead of causing beautiful wishes to flock into 
Lucile’s head, the twirling, whirling ribbons so amused 
and attracted her that she could think of nothing good 
to wish at all. She thought and waited and thought 
again. And finally, in despair, she said aloud: 

“Oh, I wish I could think of something really good to 
wish.” 

Instantly the ribbons ceased to whirl about her head* 
and the idea came to her to wish that she could see her 
mama and Daddy. Lucile knew at once that this was 
the one greatest wish of her heart. So she told the 
Wish-Leader that she desired to see her parents. But 
he shook his head and smiled sympathetically. 

“You could have but one wish, and you had that 
when you wished for a really good wish. It is too bad, 
but it can’t be helped.” 

So Lucile climbed down from the stool, feeling really 
worse than if she had had no opportunity to wish at all. 

137 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


“Next!” cried the Wish-Leader, and the Jester 
climbed upon the green stool, placing his head in his 
hands just as Lucile had done. The Wish-Leader 
chanted the mysterious words and waved his wand, 
releasing the colored ribbons from the Jester’s cap. 
But the Jester, unlike Lucile, had his wish all ready. 

“I wish I could make somebody laugh so long and 
loud and hard that they could hardly stand it.” 

The words were no sooner spoken than one of the 
little Wish-Makers opened his mouth and ha-ha’d so 
loudly as to cause the Jester to fall backward off the 
stool and bounce three times before he rested on the 
ground. The Wish-Maker laughed and cackled and 
crowed and gurgled until he became as red in the face 
as a pickled beet. His cap fell off ; he tied himself into 
a bow-knot; he rolled and twisted upon the ground. 
And then his laughing, although as violent as ever, be- 
gan to grow weaker and weaker. He was losing his 
breath and it was plain that he could not last much 
longer unless something was done to stop his awful 
fit of jollity. 


138 


WISH-COME-TRUE 


“We shall have to tell him the saddest things of 
which we can think, and perhaps these will cause him 
to stop laughing,” suggested the Wish-Leader, in 
alarm. 

Thereupon he leaned over and said to the stricken 
laugher: “The old gray goose is dead.” 

But the little Wish-Maker only laughed the harder, 
although mixed with his laughing were pitiful sighs 
and groans. 

Then the Jester stooped and murmured, “My heart 
is of rubber and can not break or burst, but it is be- 
coming stretched out of shape because of your sad con- 
dition.” But the little fellow laughed on. 

Then the Foolish Idea whispered, “Little Bo-peep 
has lost her sheep.” But even this sad news had no 
effect. 

Now it was Lucile’s turn, but she could not think of 
a single sad thing. “Oh, dear,” she sighed, “I don’t 
see why he couldn’t put on the wishing-cap and wish 
he could stop laughing.” 

“How dreadfully stupid of us not to have thought 
of that!” cried the Wish-Leader. 

139 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


Immediately a wishing-cap was placed upon the head 
of the sufferer. He was almost gone, but he managed 
to whisper, “I wish I could stop laughing.” Instantly 
his convulsions ceased and he stood up, weak and worn, 
but practically unharmed. 

“Next!” cried the Wish-Leader; and Jupiter hopped 
upon the green wishing-stool. 

“I wish that all the world was red!” he cried, as 
soon as the colored ribbons were whirling about his 
head. 

Instantly the ribbons ceased whirling and Jupiter 
jumped down from the stool. Lucile and the Jester, 
seeing no change in the color of anything, began to 
tease him. “Oh, Jupiter — you didn’t get your wish!” 

“Huh!” grunted Jupiter. “Your face is red as blood 
— the stool is red — the grass is red — everything is red. 
Oh, I am very happy now because I shall never, never 
have to look at green and violet and primrose and lav- 
ender colors again.” 

Lucile and the Jester winked at each other, for they 
thought that Jupiter was dreaming. But the Wish- 
140 



WISH-COME-TRUE 

Maker said gravely: “Jupiter is quite right. He has 
his wish. You see, the world is all red for him and 
always will be, though it has not changed for the rest 


“Next ! 55 cried the Wish-Leader, and Nic-Nac 
climbed upon the stool. 

“I wish I could have a very solemn, sad idea for a 
while in place of all these silly, foolish ones , 55 he sighed. 
141 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

No sooner had he said the words than the Foolish 
Idea began to weep and moan. His cries were heart- 
rending and he tore at his cabbage-leaf scalp and rolled 
over and over on the ground like a boy with the stom- 
ach-ache. 

“I am miserable — oh, so miserable !” he cried. “I 
wish I had my foolish ideas back!” But alas, having 
already had his wish, this last desire would not work. 

“He will be all right after a while,” declared the 
Wish-Leader. “He wished to have the solemn idea 
only for a while.” 

The Foolish Idea was still rolling miserably upon 
the ground when a loud shouting was heard down the 
road toward Dream Land. “Oh, dear — it is that awful 
King again!” cried Lucile. “He always manages to 
keep right at our heels.” She quickly recited the story 
of her quest of the Sapient Sage and their long flight 
from the King of Why. “And now he will get us 
sure,” she finished. And, indeed, there seemed to be no 
way of escape. 

But the Wish-Maker, who had been thinking deeply, 
spoke: 142 



The old fellow took Lucile by the hand 













































































































1 












-A • 

















































WISH-COME-TRUE 

“I tell you. You get on the sidewalk and move on. 
When the King comes, he will desire to make a wish 
that he may capture you very soon. But I shall put 
the wish-cap on his head upside down. This will make 
his wish reverse, so that he will not come up with you 
again for a long time, and perhaps not until you get 



143 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

He had hardly finished before the King and his sol- 
diers came galloping up, hallooing for Lucile to stop. 
But Lucile and her companions had jumped upon the 
sidewalk, which was rushing them away from the coun- 
try of the Wishing-caps. Looking back, they saw that 
King Danno was sitting upon the green stool and that 
the Wish-Leader had the cap topsy-turvy upon his 
head. 

“ I think we may rest easy now for a while,” said 
the Jester. “But I think we have learned a lesson 
about wishing for things we do not have. For none of 
our wishes brought us pleasure, except Jupiter’s — and 
Jupiter is only a goat.” 

“But a very happy goat, since the world is red as a 
two-cent postage-stamp,” put in Jupiter. 


144 


CHAPTER XIII 


INVISIBLE LAND 

After they had ridden for some hours, the pavement 
crossed a pretty bridge of pure crystal, spanning a mur- 
muring stream of pink lemonade. As they sped 
through the fresh, rolling meadows on the other side, 
Lucile sighed deliciously. 

“What a beautiful, green country!” she exclaimed. 

“What a beautiful, red country, you mean,” cor- 
rected Jupiter. 

“What a beautiful — •” began the Foolish Idea, when 
the pavement stopped suddenly and all were dumped 
overboard in a heap on the thick grass by the side of 
the highway. 

Lucile, picking herself up, looked about her for her 
companions. They had disappeared. What was 

145 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

more, the sidewalk, the trees, the green grass, the roll- 
ing plains, the ground itself — everything — had disap- 
peared. It was not dark. Everything was just gray 
or whitish, like air, which, of course, looks like nothing 
at all. 

“Nic-Nac — Jester — Jupiter — where are you?” cried 
Lucile, in alarm. 

“Here! Here! Here!” they all answered in the 
same tremulous tone. “But where are you? We 
can’t see.” 

“I can’t see my hand before my face — ” began the 
Jester, only to bump into Lucile so hard that the little 
girl sat sharply down upon the invisible ground, and 
the Jester bounced back a hundred feet. 

“We had best take hold of hands and walk that way,” 
advised the Foolish Idea. 

“But where shall we go?” asked the Jester, who, 
guided by the sound of their voices, had felt his way 
back. “We can’t see the road and may fall into a 
river or over a cliff. We had better sit right here.” 

“And starve to death,” moaned Lucile. “This is 
146 


INVISIBLE LAND 

worse than the Dismal Darks. But listen — what is 
that?” 

“Hullo — hullo there!” a squeaky voice was calling 
out of the blanket of white nothing. 



147 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Hullo!” answered the Jester. “Who’s there?” 

“I am the Incus-Dinkus, of Invisible Land,” came 
the voice. “This way.” 

“Coming!” shouted the Jester, and started in the 
direction of the voice, the rest of the party strung out 
behind him and holding hands. 

“Look out — gully!” warned the squeaky voice, but 
it was too late. The Jester felt suddenly that there 
was nothing beneath his feet. And then he was tearing 
and bumping and rolling and bounding down and 
down a steep hill, which, it seemed, never, never would 
have an end. Behind him, atop of him, under him, 
alongside him, rolled Nic-Nac, Lucile and Jupiter. 
Finally they came to a sudden halt on what they judged 
to be a grassy plain. The patter of many feet was 
heard behind them, and then the squeaky voice came 

v3 

out of the fog. 

“Whew — such boobies!” it squeaked. “Why didn’t 
you take the upper road? Why did you want to go 
bumping down Transparent Hill like a lot of Jacks 
and Jills?” 


148 


INVISIBLE LAND 

“We couldn’t see any road. We can’t see any- 
thing,” grumbled the Foolish Idea. 

“Ho, ho!” laughed the voice. “How many fingers 
am I holding up?” 

“One,” guessed Lucile. 

“Two,” said the Jester. 

“Three red ones,” bleated Jupiter. 

“None — ha, ha!” squeaked the voice. “I forgot you 
were mere mortals and couldn’t see the sights of In- 
visible Land. Now, to us everything is plain as day. 
But you will be tired and hungry after that tumble. 
Come into the Palace of the Unseen and rest.” 

They were now conducted into what, judging from 
the sounds, must have been a vast chamber filled with 
scores of busy people. It was necessary for the attend- 
ants of the Incus-Dinkus to push Lucile and her com- 
rades into chairs and slide them up to a great table. 
Knives and forks were put into their hands and they 
were invited to eat; but their struggles with the meat 
and beans and bread, which they could not see, were 
so pitiful that the Invisibles were finally compelled to 
149 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


take the food into their fingers and poke it into their 
visitors’ mouths. Even with this assistance, the Fool- 
ish Idea nearly choked to death through having a great 
piece of pork poked down his throat when he wasn’t 
looking for it. 

After eating, they rested before an invisible fire into 
which Nic-Nac stumbled and almost burned his table 
legs before he could be pulled out. After this, guided 
by a couple of the Invisible Men, they set out for the 
movable pavement. 

They had not proceeded far before a terrible, lion- 
like roaring was heard a short distance to their right. 
Instantly the guides let go and ran, crying, “The 
Woofs — the Woofs — run for your lives!” 

Lucile had never heard of a Woof, but she knew that 
anything that could make so frightful a noise and so 
terrify the Invisibles must be something dreadful in- 
deed. She did not know where to run, but she set out 
in the direction from whence came the patter of the 
fleeing Invisibles. The first steps she took landed her 
against the trunk of a great tree, almost flattening her 
dainty nose. I 5 o 


INVISIBLE LAND 



“Look out there!” cried the Jester, bumping into 
her back; and, “Look out there!” cried Jupiter and the 
Idea bumping into him. Joining hands, the compan- 
ions turned to the right and struck blindly out into the 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

gray-white waste of nothing. Of course they had to 
come to another hill and bump and roll their way down 
it. This time, however, they did not come to rest upon 
a grassy plain. Instead, Lucile felt something cold 
and wet slip up around her ankles, her knees, and 
finally her arms. It was water. 

“Dear me! We have fallen into a river!” she cried. 

“Float,” called the Jester. “I’m hollow and shall 
float nicely. The rest of you hold to me.” 

And, indeed, this arrangement worked beautifully, 
the Jester floating easily on the surface of the swift 
stream, while the others sustained themselves by hold- 
ing to his rubber toes and arms. Finally they felt 
solid bottom beneath them and all clambered out upon 
the bank. 

“Br-r-r-r!” trembled the Idea. “I wonder where the 
movable sidewalk is. The Invisible Men were taking 
us in this direction when the Woofs woofed.” 

“I wonder what became of the dreadful Woofs,” 
shivered Lucile. 

As if in answer to her question, there came out of 
152 


INVISIBLE LAND 

the white cloud almost at her elbows an awful howl, 
deep, hoarse and threatening — “Woof — woo-hoo — 
woo-hoo — woo-hoof !” 

Lucile, scared almost out of her wits, sprang away 
from the fearsome sound. She had taken but three or 



153 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

four steps when she felt her feet jerked from under her 
and herself swept through the great, white cloud at 
a very rapid pace, though she did not know in the 
least where she was going. On and on she sped. 
There was nothing pulling her, nothing pushing her, 
yet on and on she sped away from her comrades, on 
and on into that great, white cloud of nothing but air. 

“Nic-Nac — Jester — Jupiter!” she called; and once 
she thought she heard the voice of the Jester afar off. 

She had just settled down for a good cry when sud- 
denly the white cloud lifted and behind her she saw 
once more the beautiful, green hills and dales they 
had seen in Invisible Land before the gray-white cloud 
had fallen. Under her feet was the movable pave- 
ment, and she realized that she had stepped upon it 
unawares when fleeing from the terrible Woofs. The 
platform was moving much slower and Lucile, seeing 
a pretty, wooden bench by the side of the pavement, 
stepped off and sat down, for she was anxious about 
the rest of her company and did not wish to get too 
far away from them. She had not long to wait before 

154 


INVISIBLE LAND 


the striped Jester hove into sight. Close behind him 
were the Foolish Idea and Jupiter. 

“It’s good to be where one can see things once more,” 
sighed the Idea as he came up. 

“Ah, the world’s all good and red again,” chimed in 
Jupiter, with a hearty goat-sigh. 


155 


CHAPTER XIVi 


THE MUSICAL LAND OF MEZZO 

After their exciting adventures in Invisible Land, 
the comrades were very tired. The sun was high in 
the sky the next morning when, much refreshed by their 
long sleep, they started upon their way. So vigorous 
did they feel and so pretty was the gently rolling coun- 
try before them, they left the movable highway and 
walked alongside over a winding path lined with bright 
and fragrant blossoms. 

After Lucile had taken a few steps down this little 
lane of flowers, she found herself actually dancing her 
way. Looking back to see if the others had noticed 
her actions, she saw that the Jester and the Idea were 
executing graceful, little hop-steps. Even Jupiter was 
prancing like a circus-horse when the band plays. 

156 


THE MUSICAL LAND 

“How very, very funny,” cried Lucile, “that we 
should be dancing — ” She stopped suddenly, wonder- 
ing what was the matter with her voice, for she had 
sung her words to the tune of “Bobby Shaftoe.” 



song by Miss Lucile — ■” He stopped in amazement, 
for he was singing his own words to the tune 
of “Yankee-Doodle-Doo.” 


157 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“I think it is to be a song by the Jester,” sang the 
Foolish Idea, in a thin, little, piccolo voice. 

“Oho !” sang Jupiter. “I think we’ll have to make it 
a quartette. Oho — baa-baa — boo-lee-ooh!” Jupiter’s 
tones poured out like the deep bass notes of a pipe 
organ. 

“I don’t especially wish to sing,” warbled Lucile, in 
a pretty tune she had never heard before, “but it seems 
that I can’t help it. Oh, dear, what strange, strange 
places there are in the Kingdom of Why.” 

She pulled a nodding dandelion from the highway. 
As it snapped, the flower-stem gave forth a little mu- 
sical “ping.” Much interested, Lucile plucked at an- 
other blossom, producing a sweet-toned “tinkle” such 
as might come from the twanging of a guitar. 

“Why, even the flowers are musical in this land,” 
sang the Jester. As he warbled this, he idly tossed a 
stone across the road. As it fell into the highway, it 
gave out a “plumpety-bump” like the tremor of a drum. 
Considerably excited, he picked up another stone and 
made it skip along the road. As it bounded down the 


THE MUSICAL LAND 

path, jumping and bumping, it gave forth a “pink- 
pank-punk-boom,” just like the scales Lucile had heard 
her mother play on the piano in the front room back 
in Chicago where her father read the big, black books. 

As they danced along the road, skipping and whirling 
and keeping perfect time, they learned more and more 
that they were, indeed, in a merry land of music. On 
one side of the path was a beautiful water-fall, and 
the water, tumbling over the rocks, made a soft, low 
music sweeter than anything Lucile remembered ever 
to have heard on any instrument. A slight wind came 
up, rustling the leaves on the trees, and the leaves 
gave out the sweetest, most silvery tinkling. Pres- 
ently the Jester, who was dancing faster than he could 
move his weak, rubber legs, stumbled and fell over on 
his face. “Plinkety-plank!” went up the clearest 
strains, and then, “plinkety-plankety-plunk!” as he 
bounced into the air and bounded and rebounded. 

“Oh, listen !” sang out the Jester. “I’m a whole brass 
band and operatic concert by myself.” He jumped 
high into the air, allowing himself to fall upon his 

159 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

side, then bounce and bounce and bounce, each time 
bringing forth a sweet “plunkety-plinkety-plank” and 
making one of the prettiest tunes any of them had ever 


“Now if I could only have done this back in the 
Purple City,” lamented the Jester, in a kind of a sing- 
ing sigh, “I could have made King Danno laugh him- 
self almost to pieces. Then he wouldn’t have been 
unhappy and Lucile wouldn’t have to be running away 
like this.” 

“Then I wish you had been able to play your bounce- 
bounce tunes,” sang Lucile. “But listen — what is 
that?” 1 60 


THE MUSICAL LAND 


From around a curve in the road came the prettiest 
music they had yet heard. It was so exquisite, so en- 
ticing that they danced around the corner to discover 
from what wonderful instrument it could possibly come. 
But on rounding the curve, they were greatly surprised 
to find that the delicious strains were being produced 
by a long-haired, dreamy-eyed, little man sitting on a 
rail fence and rubbing a broom-stick against an ax- 
handle. 

“Dear me!” sang Lucile, in two little, tinkly, treble 
notes. “You don’t mean to say you are making all 
that wonderful grand-opera music on two pieces of 
wood?” 


1 6 1 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


“I can do more than that,” sang the little man. “I 
can play ‘Tom, Tom, the Piper’s Son’ on a corn-cob 
and ‘Rock-a-bye, Baby’ on a knitting-needle and a 
peanut-shell. But maybe you would like to hear the 
grand orchestra of the Musical Land of Mezzo?” 

With that he conducted them to a great, round tower, 
in the lofty windows of which were dozens of little 
men holding in their hands all sorts of queer things — 
pitchforks, barrel-staves, bed-slats, screw-drivers, can- 
openers, lamp-chimneys, tin pails, feather-dusters, pie 
pans and toothpicks. 

“Tune up, orchestra!” sang out the little man, who 
seemed to be their leader. 

Instantly all the little men jumped out of the tower, 
alighting from as high as the seventh and eighth stories 
without appearing to mind it at all. Only as each one 
landed there was a loud “buh-lin-n-n-ng-ling-ling” like 
the twanging of a gigantic harp. 

“Now,” sang the leader, “let us have The Bullfrog 
on the Bank,’ and play well, for you have an audience 
of strangers.” 


162 


THE MUSICAL LAND 

Immediately the little men who had jumped from 
the tower began to brandish or scrape or pound their 
queer instruments. Some scraped baseball bats upon 
fence-rails, some blew through gas-pipes and rubber 
hose, some picked on mattress-springs and curry-combs, 
others pounded on oyster-cans or water-buckets or silk 
hats. But whether they blew or picked or scraped or 
pounded, they one and all made music so delicious that 
Lucile and her companions could not keep their feet 
still. Round and round they danced — one-two-three, 
one-two-three — round and round, ever faster, ever 
more lively until Lucile began to fear she would actu- 
ally dance her head off. Then of a sudden, while she 
danced in a ring with the Jester and two of the little 
musicians, she missed the Foolish Idea. 

“Where is Nic-Nac?” she sang. 

No sooner had she sung the words than the exquisite 
strains of the orchestra changed suddenly into most 
horrid discord. The baseball bats and corn-cob, which 
had been producing delicious, violin-like music, now 
gave out noisy, clattery slaps and bangs and pound- 
163 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

ings. The pans let out a hideous clanging. Every- 
thing was bang-crash-boom-wow-bing-zizz-bump-pop- 
plunkety-tunk. The merry, little musicians dropped 
their instruments in amazement. 

“Flutes and fiddle-strings! What has happened ?” 
exclaimed the orchestra leader. Instead of singing the 
words, they came from his throat in a harsh and ugly 
growl. 

“What is the matter? Who did it? What put us 
out of tune?” screamed and whined the members of 
the orchestra. 

Their outcries, once so musical and pleasing, were 
now but growls, grunts, howls, yelps and groans. Lu- 
cile was terrified at the sudden change and, fearing that 
in their anger they might accuse her party of causing the 
trouble, began to run. Each step she took, instead of 
making a musical “ping,” now brought forth an ugly 
“plunk!” The patter of Jupiter and the Jester be- 
hind her came harsh and clattery like the noise made 
by a cat walking over the keyboard of a piano. After 
running a considerable distance and seeing that the 
164 


THE MUSICAL LAND 

musicians were not pursuing them, they slowed down. 
“Dear, dear ! I wonder what changed the pretty mu- 


sic into grunts and groans,” growled the Jester. 
“But where is the Foolish Idea?” whined Lucile. 



when we talk?” bleated Jupiter. 

Lucile stooped and picked a. pretty buttercup. 

165 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

As it snapped, the stem gave an ear-splitting screech 
— “Ooh-oo-ooh!” The Jester threw a little rock across 
the path. As it bounced, it screamed and wailed and 
yelped in a frightful fashion. The wind, coming up, 
moaned through the trees so piteously that Lucile shud- 
dered. 

“Dear, dear, dear!’ 5 she whined. “I never saw such 
a dreadful change — 55 

She stopped abruptly in wonder, for although she 
had begun her words with a whine, her voice 
had changed suddenly into a pretty song. 

“Here comes Nic-Nac!” sang out the Jester, once 
more to the tune of “Yankee-Doodle-Doo.” 

They sat down and waited, and in another minute 
the Foolish Idea had caught up with them. But his 
cabbage-face, usually a greenish white, was tinged a 
deep red like the red cabbage one sees at times in the 
market. His potato-eyes were cast down toward the 
ground and he put up altogether the most shamefaced 
and woe-begone appearance. 



“Excuse me 


said the Jester, addressing the long-faced man 




THE MUSICAL LAND 

“Nic-Nac!” they all cried. “What is the matter*? 
What has happened to you*?” 

Great tear-drops welled from his potato-eyes and 
splattered down upon his cedar chest. “I have gone 
back to my foolish ideas,” he sobbed. “After all these 



167 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

weeks of trying to think only of sober, serious things 
such as constitutions and confectionery and battle-ships 
and botany, I have become silly once more. Oh, it is 
shameful — it is wicked — boo-hoo!” 

“But what has happened? Tell us about it — there, 
don’t cry.” 

The Foolish Idea smote his shiny brass heart with 
his wooden chair-arms, producing a most musical clang. 
“I did it,” he wailed. 

“Did what?” asked Jester. 

“I changed the beautiful music into hideous 
discords. I became so excited with all the playing 
and dancing that my old foolish ideas began to come 
into my head. I thought how funny it would be if the 
delicious music should change suddenly into a lot of 
pop-biff-bang-and-clatter. And then I popped into 
their heads with the idea. Oh, I am very much 
ashamed!” 

“It was, indeed, a very foolish idea,” agreed Lucile, 
“but you couldn’t very well help it, and you have 
taken the idea out of their heads now.” 

1 68 


THE MUSICAL LAND 

“I shall try harder than ever not to be foolish, even 
for a minute,” promised Nic-Nac. 

“And that is all any one can do,” declared Lucile. 
“And now I think we had better be on our way before 
this musical air gives you any more foolish ideas.” 

With that they stepped upon the moving platform 
and sailed upon their way while the breeze played 
soft, sweet music in the leaves. 


169 


CHAPTER XV 


THE PROVINCE OF PROBLEMS 

After they had ridden for some time, the wind, as 
it blew through the cranberry-tart trees and orange- 
marmalade vines, ceased to play little tinkle tunes, so 
that they knew they must be out of the fair land of 
Mezzo. It was not long then until they became aware 
of a buzzing, humming sound, such as a swarm of bees 
would make. This grew louder and louder until they 
discovered that the buzzing was caused by a lot of old 
men with black gowns, gray wigs and huge, green 
spectacles, who were working busily with paper, pens, 
globes, charts and yardsticks, and talking to themselves 
as they worked. One of the old men, who seemed to 
be directing the work, hopped upon the platform. 

“Welcome, friends,” he said, in a pleasant, high- 
pitched voice. “Where are your problems?” 
i 70 


PROVINCE OF PROBLEMS 

“Problems?” repeated Lucile. “Dear me, I haven’t 
thought of a problem since the last one Miss Curtis 
gave me about John Jones and the three pigs he sold 
to Hiram — Hiram Smithers, I believe was his name — ” 

“Ha, that’s good!” interrupted the old man. “We 
are always looking for new problems. You know, this 
is the Province of Problems where all the puzzles of 
state and society and the universe are worked out. 
Come this way, and we will set the Munificent and 
Magnificent Imperial Solver of Questions of Arithme- 
tic and the Figurative Sciences at work on it.” 

“But I don’t care to have it solved,” objected Lucile. 
“I’m not at school now.” 

“Oho!” cried the old man, becoming suddenly 
angry. “So you have a problem you don’t care to have 
solved, have you? And what do you think Problem 
Province is for, pray? We shall soon see.” 

With that, the old fellow took Lucile by the hand 
and almost dragged her to a platform where a yellow, 
wrinkled, very comical-appearing, old man sat working 
over some kegs of paint, a brush and a globe like the 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

one with blue seas and yellow nations and pink Do- 
minions of Canada which had always sat upon Miss 
Curtis’ desk. 

“This is Professor Mighty Wise,” explained their 
conductor. “He is just now working on the problem of 
why the sky is green and chocolate, but he can always 
take time for a new problem.” 

“Green and chocolate!” repeated Lucile in amaze- 
ment. “But the sky is not green and chocolate. It is 
blue and pink and yellow — ” 

“And red,” put in Jupiter. 

“But never green and chocolate,” said the Jes- 
ter. 

“Fiddlesticks!” exclaimed Professor Mighty Wise. 
“I wonder I never thought of that. That is why I 
haven’t been able to solve it. But what is your prob- 
lem?” He reached for a piece of paper and stood ready 
to write. 

“I — I — I don’t remember all of it,” faltered Lucile. 
“And besides it doesn’t the least matter.” 

“Tut, tut!” snapped both their guide and Professor 


PROVINCE OF PROBLEMS 


Mighty Wise. “No foolishness, Lucile. We must 
have the problem.” 

Lucile thought very hard until her pinkish brow was 
almost as wrinkled as that of Professor Mighty Wise. 
“It was something about, ‘If John Jones — 5 ” 

“Wait a minute,” interrupted the Professor. “How 
do you spell that?” 

“J-o-n-e-s,” spelled Lucile. 

“How very funny!” cried the Professor. “Go 
ahead.” 

“ ‘If John Jones/ ” continued Lucile, “ ‘sold three 
pigs to Hiram Smithers for five dollars each, and 5 — let 
me see — yes, ‘and if Hiram Smithers traded the pigs to 
the storekeeper for — for — 5 Oh, dear, I can’t remem- 
ber what it was for — it has been so long ago.” 

“Hot buckwheat cakes, maybe?” suggested their con- 
ductor. 

“Or a bushel basket full of camel fur,” said Professor 
Mighty Wise. 

“Oh, dear, no,” cried Lucile; “it was nothing like 
that, I’m quite sure.” 


173 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Those are good enough,” declared Professor Mighty 
Wise. “Now, go away. I must set to work on the 
problem.” He turned from Lucile and began a great 
buzzing and figuring. The guide led the comrades 


, “This is the Department of Good-to-eat Problems,” 
he explained, as they stopped at a desk at which another 

1 74 


PROVINCE OF PROBLEMS 

of the old men was engaged with a lot of very tempting 
pound cake, a rule, a blackboard and a tape measure. 
‘ ‘Professor Know-it-all is working on the problem of 
why pound cake is yellow. It is a very pretty problem. 
Professor Big Head, over there in the Department of 
Miscellaneous Mysteries, is solving the problem of 
why is a pea-shooter? The one next to him is working 
on the problem of who killed Cock Robin? Oh, it is 
extremely interesting/’ 

“Very,” agreed Lucile, the Jester, the Idea and Jupi- 
ter. 

For an hour or more their guide took them through 
the different departments of the problem work, showing 
them here a professor engaged in the solving of the 
problem of why pigs have four feet, and there another 
earnestly figuring how much the Man in the Moon 
weighed. By this time it was growing late, and the 
Jester suggested that they had better be on their way. 

“How are we to continue on our way to the Sapient 
Sage?” asked Lucile. 

The conductor stopped short and puckered his fore- 

175 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 



head. “Ah, now,” he said, with great satisfaction, 
“that is a problem.” 

Lucile could have told him that she was weary of 
problems, but he began to call aloud to all the old men, 
' who came running. 


“A problem — a brand-new problem!” he announced. 
“Problem No. 5,149,783, How is Lucile to get out of 
Problem Province?” 

The old men wrote rapidly in their memorandum 
books. 


PROVINCE OF PROBLEMS 


“We must have a yardstick and a map of Switzer- 
land,” declared one. 

“And a compass and a lot of pink chalk,” said an- 
other. 

“How old is Lucile?” asked a third. “And what are 
the names of all her aunts and uncles?” 

“I am nine,” answered Lucile, “and there’s Aunt 
Lou and Aunt Elsie and Uncle Paul and Uncle Jim. 
But I don’t see what that has to do with our getting on 
our way — and I do wish you would hurry.” 

“Don’t interrupt!” snapped Professor Mighty Wise. 

Lucile was ready to cry, but there was nothing to do 
other than sit upon the grass while the old men con- 
tinued what seemed to her to be very silly figuring. 
While they worked they kept up a great buzz of re- 
marks which it did not seem possible could have any 
real bearing upon the problem of how to get out of 
Problem Province. 

“Two times four is eight,” buzzed one, “turn to the 
right at the seventeenth dandelion and hurry.” 

“Half a mile from nowhere much,” buzzed another, 


I 77 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“then turn around and inquire of the first one-eared 
rabbit.” 

“Up the hill and down again — forty-nine pumpkin 
rows — and half-way to Norwich,” sang a third. 

Suddenly Professor Know-it-all called out, “I have 
it — I have the answer. Come quick!” 



PROVINCE OF PROBLEMS 


All the workers immediately dropped their calcula- 
tions and came running. Lucile sighed with relief and 
crowded in close. 

“What’s the answer? How do we get out?” she 
asked. 

“Ho, ho!” shouted the professors, all at once. “Lu- 
cile wants to know the answer.” 

“Of course, I want to know the answer,” insisted Lu- 
cile, with spirit. “I want to get on our way.” 

The guide shook his head until Lucile feared it would 
come off. “We don’t give out any answers,” he de- 
clared. “If we did, there would soon be no problems 
left.” 

“But how am I to get to the Sapient Sage?” insisted 
Lucile. 

“Oh, that’s the problem,” said the conductor. 

She could get no more from him, and the professors 
returned to their problems. There was nothing to do 
but to pick out a snug place to spend the night, and this 
they found beneath a gigantic, mince-pie tree. Lucile 
sobbed herself to sleep, for it looked as if she was to 

179 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

remain all her life as a problem in this land of foolish 
problems. She could not have been asleep long, how- 
ever, before a touch on her shoulder awakened her. 

“Come on, Lucile,” the Foolish Idea was saying. “I 
have the way out. I found it in the place where they 
keep all their answers.” 


180 


PROVINCE OF PROBLEMS 


He showed her in the light of a small lantern he was 
carrying a tiny iron box labeled “Problem No. 5,149,- 
783 — How Lucile can get out of the Province of Prob- 
lems.” Turning a key, the Foolish Idea brought out a 
slip of paper on which was written : 

“TURN OVER ” 

“Turn over!” echoed Lucile, and involuntarily she 
threw herself over on her right side. The next instant 
she was rolling rapidly, yet smoothly, down a grassy 
hillside, and the whirling and bobbing of a light behind 
her showed that the Foolish Idea and his companions 
were rolling after her. In another minute she bumped 
gently against an obstruction, which in the light of the 
Idea’s lantern proved to be a great gate set in a wall 
of pink stone and marked “Exit.” The Jester slid 
back the big iron latch of the gate and they walked 
through. On the other side* was the movable pave- 
ment. They threw themselves upon couches and were 
soon fast asleep. 


181 


CHAPTER XVI 


THE LAND OF DREADFUL STORY-TELLERS 

When they awakened from a long, refreshing sleep, 
the comrades looked out upon a pretty, level land of 
green fields and fragrant hedges thickly populated by 
a tribe of little folk, who were dressed so oddly that 
Lucile hardly knew what to make of them. The oddest 
thing was that the men, with long beards or curling 
mustaches, went about in pink, red or yellow dresses; 
while the women, with fair, clear skins and long, flow- 
ing hair, wore coats and trousers and twirled canes. 
Also the old men and women wore short skirts or knee 
trousers, while the children had on such garments as 
old men and women might be expected to wear. 

“This must be Upside-Down Land,” puzzled the 
Jester, twisting his rubber neck almost out of place 
at such an unaccustomed sight. 

182 


LAND OF STORY-TELLERS 

“Here is a sign-board,” announced Lucile. “We 
had better get off, I suppose.” 

The party alighted from the platform and ap- 
proached a sign-board which pointed away from the 
movable pavement. On the board were these words : 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


“Dear me,” sighed Lucile, “if it is that far to a place 
where they have breakfast-food and bananas and 
cream, we shall get very hungry.” 

“If it is so many miles to Nowhere, it ought not to 
be so far to Somewhere,” replied the Foolish Idea. 
“Let us go down the road a bit.” 

The road turned a very sharp curve where it crossed 
the movable sidewalk, and they had hardly rounded 
this before a neat, little town of colored-glass houses 
stretched out before them. 

| “What a misleading sign!” exclaimed Lucile. “It 
said ever so many million miles to Nowhere, and here is 
a town already.” 

As she was speaking, a group of the queerly dressed 
natives approached. 

“My good people,” said the Jester, hopping up to 
them in a series of little bounces, “what is the name of 
this place?” 

“Hop-over-my-thumb-ville,” answered an old man 
attired in a baby’s long dress. 

“Pickle-and-pop-town,” declared a young girl, 
dressed in a long, black coat such as ministers wear. 
184 


LAND OF STORY-TELLERS 

“It hasn’t any name,” shouted several others. 

“What a queer place, where nothing is what it 
seems,” sighed the Jester. “Here is an eating-house. 
We had better go in.” 

The house to which he pointed had a sign over the 
door: 

THE GOODY-GOODY EATING-HOUSE: 

Pies, Pickles, Jam, and Everything to make a First-Class 
Stomach-Ache. 



185 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

When they poked their hungry mouths inside the 
door, however, there was nothing inside except two 
little men in mother hubbards beating some horseshoes 
on an anvil. This was positively everything there was 
to be seen. 

“It is probably an old sign,” ventured the Jester. 
“We must try some place else.” 

“Here is a place to eat,” called the Foolish Idea, 
who was a bit in front. “I can see the good 
stuff through the window. Yum-yum, it makes my 
mouth water.” 

“I can see a lot of pies and goodies, too,” agreed the 
Jester, “but look at the sign above the door.” They 
looked up and read : 

JEM JUNK SHOE 

Special Bargains in Hobgoblins, Dishwater, Old Shoes, Bliz- 
zards, Lizards, Rusty Nails and Mouse Tails. 

On entering the house, however, they found neat, 
white-aproned waiters, one of whom conducted them to 
a round table and asked them what they would have 
to eat. 

1 86 


LAND OF STORY-TELLERS 

''Oatmeal, brown, buttered toast, and bananas and 
cream,” ordered Lucile. 

''Roast beef, onions and gravy — something solid and 
capable of producing ideas not so foolish as mine,” 
said Nic-Nac. 

"Lady fingers, egg-kisses and soda-water. I want 
light, frothy things to make me funny,” suggested the 
Jester. 

"Lobsters, beets, tomatoes — anything red,” said Ju- 
piter. 

In a short time the waiter returned with their orders, 
which he placed on the table before them. Everything 
looked very tempting and they could hardly wait to 
begin. But as soon as Lucile had taken one bite of the 
brown toast, she made a funny face. 

"Ooh,” she cried, "this is a mud pie. I will not eat 
at such a place.” 

"My lady finger is a piece of white rock,” declared 
the Jester. "If my teeth had not been of rubber, they 
would have broken.” 

"My roast beef is a lump of coal,” said the Idea. 

187 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“And my tomatoes are croquet balls,” growled Ju- 
piter. 

“We will leave this place at once,” declared Lucile, 
stamping her foot. “Nobody tells the truth here — not 
even the signs.” 

The whole party was hurrying out the door when an 
old, graybeard of a man, dressed in a chintz gown, ap- 
peared in the entrance. 

“Here, here!” he exclaimed. “What is all this 
bother?” 

When Lucile and her companions had finished with 
their indignant complaint, the old man roared with 
laughter. 

“Oh, ho — ho, ho — ha, ha ! Why you are now in the 
Land of Dreadful Story-Tellers, and you must take ev- 
erything by opposites. If you want huckleberry pie, 
order mud pie; if you want sugar, order sand; and if 
you want milk, call for ink or mucilage. Nobody tells 
the truth in this country. It is all dreadful story-tell- 
ing, all lies, all whoppers and yarns and fibs. We just 
can’t help it — and it is such fun.” And he went off 
1 88 


LAND OF STORY-TELLERS 


into another great roar of laughter, in which the other 
Dreadful Story-Tellers joined. 

Lucile, who was not so much amused, thought a bit, 
then asked the waiter to bring her a mud pie with soap- 
suds and brickbats and glue. The Jester and the 




THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

Foolish Idea ordered the opposite of what they really 
wanted, and Jupiter requested a lot of things sky-blue, 
chocolate and lavender — anything but red. The result 
was that they were soon eating a delicious meal of just 
the things they had wanted in the first place. 

As Lucile was finishing her second big piece of huckle- 
berry pie, she was startled by a nudge in the side from 
the Foolish Idea. 

“Won’t you have a piece of this fried rainbow, Lu- 
cile?” he asked. “It is the best I ever ate.” 

“Rainbow!” repeated his listeners. 

“Yes,” replied the Idea, “you know, the rainbow is 
fine fried, although some people like it best mixed with 
a piece of the North Pole and a little star-shavings and 
then boiled.” 

“My streaming stripes !” cried the Jester. “The Idea 
has come to be a Dreadful Story-Teller.” 

“I am the King of the Cannibal Kids — and my name 
is Captain Eat-the-blood-of-an-Englishman,” declared 
Nic-Nac, very solemnly. 

Lucile sprang from her chair and hurried toward the 
190 


LAND OF STORY-TELLERS 


door. “Come, Nic-Nac, Jester, Jupiter — let us leave 
this Land of Dreadful Story-Tellers at once. I do not 
tell stories, and I do not wish to begin now.” 

The Jester and Jupiter were close at her heels. The 
Foolish Idea came, too, although he announced that he 
was going to visit his old friend, the Man in the Moon. 
The eating-house was quite out of sight of the movable 
sidewalk, and it was necessary to ask the old graybeard 
Story-Teller to direct them. He pointed out the direc- 
tion, and the comrades, with the Idea in the rear, made 
off. After they had followed the road around bends 
and over bridges for a long time, the Jester stopped. 

“We certainly did not come this way,” he declared. 
“The old fellow must have told us one of his dreadful 
stories.” 

“Here is a sign-board,” Lucile pointed out. “It says, 
‘This way to the Movable Sidewalk — a hundred steps, 
one long jump and a hop and a half.’ ” 

The travelers lined up at the sign-post and took the 
necessary steps, the jump and the hop and a half. The 
action brought them to another sign-board, which 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

pointed back from whence they had come and which 
read : 

“493 TICKS TO THE MOVABLE SIDEWALK.” 

“It means ticks of a watch,” announced the Jester. 
“That is not far.” 

“It means seed-ticks,” said the Idea. 

When they had retraced their steps for about eight 
minutes, they came to another sign-post, pointing at 
right angles from their present course, and reading: 

“TO THE MOVABLE SIDEWALK— 14 DICKEL- 
VITCHES.” 

“How much is a dickelvitch?” wondered Lucile. 

“It is half-way to Chicago and back,” answered the 
Idea. 

Lucile stamped her foot at him. “That is another 
of your dreadful stories, and you ought to be ashamed 
of yourself.” 

“I am,” wailed the Idea, “I am really sorry, Lucile. 
But I can’t help it since I ate that delicious roast beef.” 
Great tears formed in the potato-eyes of the Idea and 
splashed over his cedar chest and table legs. 

192 



LAND OF STORY-TELLERS 

“We shall never, never get out of this awful land of 
fibs and whoppers/’ cried Lucile. “Oh, I wish I was 
back in Chicago. I would never bother my Daddy with 
questions about what makes the sun set and why roos- 
ters crow and whether the sea is as deep as the sky.” 

“I have an idea,” declared the Jester, suddenly. 


193 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“You know, the old Story-Teller said to take every- 
thing by opposites in this country. Now, if we go in a 
direction just contrary to that in which the sign-board 
points, we ought to find the movable pavement, al- 
though I am sure none of us knows just how far four- 
teen dickelvitches is.’* 

Following the Jester’s advice, the comrades took a 
course opposite to that in which the sign-board pointed, 
and in a very short time found themselves once more 
seated comfortably in their chairs upon the pavement. 
Here they were all very cheerful again, except for the 
Foolish Idea, who was weeping profusely. 

“I must tell you some more dreadful stories,” he 
sobbed. “I don’t wish to, but I can’t help it. I sup- 
pose I shall always be this way, and thus I shall be 
more foolish than ever. Listen. I was born under the 
sea. I have nineteen wives. My name is Francis Fid- 
dlesticks. I am a telegraph-pole maker by trade, and 
I am 987 years old — ” 

“Oh, do hush,” interrupted Lucile. “Try not to tell 
such dreadful stories. Try hard.” 

194 


LAND OF STORY-TELLERS 

“I am t-t-t- trying,” blubbered Nic-Nac, “but I can’t 
help it. Here are some more: I am the man that 
painted the sky blue. One time I fell in a Swiss-cheese 
hole and broke my leg. I can eat tigers alive — ” 

“Look, look!” broke in the Jester. “See that beauti- 
ful fountain of sparkling water, there by the side of 
the pavement? The sign says ‘The Fountain of Big, 
Black Lies,’ but, taking everything by opposites, as you 
have to do in this dreadful country, it would really be 
the Fountain of Truth. Let’s wash the Idea’s mouth 
in it, and I imagine he will be cured.” 

“That is a good idea,” said Lucile. “Let us try it at 
once.” 

Alighting from the platform and hurrying Nic-Nac 
to the fountain, they ducked his cabbage-head into the 
bubbling waters and scrubbed vigorously at his mouth. 

“I am King of the Canary Birds,” he spluttered. “I 
am a crocodile, and I eat a house for breakfast every 
morning — ” 

“Scrub harder!” shouted the Jester, and they worked 
yet more briskly. Presently the Idea ceased his foolish 

195 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

blubbering and then, gasping and half-choked with 
water, he stammered: 

“There — that will do, my good friends. I am cured 
— I think I shall never tell a dreadful story again. Oh, 
I feel so much better.” 

“We do, too,” answered Lucile, as they settled back 
upon their couches. “We were very sorry to see our 
companion, the Foolish Idea, turn into an ugly teller 
of fibs.” 



196 


CHAPTER XVII 


THE LAND OF LAUGHS AND TEARS 

They traveled steadily all day and all night. Next 
morning, when they awoke, the movable pavement was 
standing quite still on a great plain, divided into two 
parts by a long, white line such as is used to mark a 
tennis-court. Standing squarely on the line was a sign- 
post bearing two boards pointing in opposite directions. 
On one was painted the inscription : 

“THIS WAY TO JOYVILLE AND THE HEIGHTS OF 
DELIGHT.” 

The other board had these words : 

“TO GLOOM CITY AND SORROW TOWN.” 

As they were reading the signs, a little, long-bearded 
man approached and bowed gravely. 

“This is the Land of Laughs and Tears,” he an- 

197 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

nounced. “Will you go to Gloom City and Sorrow 
Town, or do you desire to see Joyville and the Heights 
of Delight? It is for you to choose. You know, it is 
left to every person in this life to be happy or gloomy 
as he sees fit.” 

“Is that so?” asked Lucile, in wonder, for she had 
never thought of this before. 

“Oh, yes,” replied the long-bearded man. “Which 
do you prefer — happiness or sorrow?” 

“I think — that is, I know, I should much rather be 
happy,” answered Lucile; and the Jester and Jupiter 
nodded their heads emphatically. 

“I don’t wish to be contrary, but I feel that if I went 
to Gloom City I might pick up some sad ideas that 
would not be so foolish,” declared Nic-Nac. And as 
there seemed to be something in his remark, the others 
agreed that their guide might conduct them thither. 

The little man bade them follow him and they 
walked briskly for some minutes along the road to the 
left. Presently they came to a great, deep river, which 
was as black and ugly as the Chicago River, where the 


LAUGHS AND TEARS 

waters were made dirty and greasy by the manufac- 
tories. 

“This is the River of Tears,” explained their guide, 
as he conducted them over the bridge that spanned the 
disagreeable stream. “It is fed by the tears of the peo- 
ple of Gloom City and Sorrow Town and Miseryburg, 
who do nothing all day but weep and mope and wail. 
Whenever the inhabitants hear of a cold wave or a 
bad crop of chocolate drops or a rainy holiday. 



they weep much harder and then there is a tear- 
flood. Once when they began to cry very hard 
for fear there might be a bad peach-pie crop sometime, 
it washed this bridge away.” 

“It seems very silly to me, when they might live on 
the other side of the white mark and be happy,” re- 
marked Lucile, 


199 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“It is silly,” declared the little guide. “All moping 
and pouting is silly.” 

On the far end of the bridge they met a man dressed 
in black from head to foot, who stood gazing sadly into 
the black river. His face was the longest Lucile had 
ever seen on a human being, in fact it reached down 
over his breast almost to his belt. 

“Excuse me,” said the Jester, addressing the long- 
faced man, “but may I ask you if all the citizens of 
Gloom City have as long faces as you possess?” 

“No, indeed,” answered the long-faced man, very 
proudly. “I flatter myself I have the longest face this 
side of Dejectionapolis. You see, I never allow myself 
to think about anything except bad crops and hard 
times, and thus my face gets longer every day. After 
a while, I will begin to think of measles and mumps and 
other diseases and perhaps my face will become long 
enough to touch the ground.” 

“I think that would be very, very ugly,” Lucile could 
not help saying. 

As they proceeded, the comrades became aware of a 


200 


LAUGHS AND TEARS 

strange sound like that made by the wind when it howls 
around the house on winter nights. It made them shud- 
der to listen. 

“That is the Wind of Sighs, caused by the wailing 
of the inhabitants of Mopeville,” the long-bearded 
guide explained. “And here,” he said, stopping before 
a great hole in the ground from whence issued the most 
doleful moans, “is the Cavern of Groans. Here sink 
the groans and grumblings of the citizens of Gloom 
City.” 

After this, they walked steadily until they came to 
a great city entirely surrounded by a high stone wall 
of a jet-black shade. From the walls of the city floated 
black flags, and over the entire place hung a great, dark 
storm-cloud. From inside the walls came a noise of 
wailing and screaming, which was extremely unpleas- 
ant to hear. 

Thek guide knocked for admittance and the great 
gate of the city swung back. The comrades marched 
into a city of gloom. The houses were of stone, of 


201 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

black, brown and gray shades. The streets, the houses, 
the robes of the citizens were of the same dead hue. 
Nowhere was there a sign of color or gaiety, nowhere 
even the tiniest streak of pink or crirpson or purple or 
old-gold or blue. Of course, everything was red to 
Jupiter, but he complained that it was the dullest, most 
unsatisfying red he had ever seen. 

All of the inhabitants were weeping and wailing and 
wringing their hands. Their conductor approached a 
knot of the Gloomers and inquired what was the partic- 
ular subject of their present sorrow. 

“London Bridge has fallen down,” wailed one. 

“But that was hundreds and hundreds of years ago,” 
declared Lucile, in surprise. 

“Suppose it was,” retorted the Gloomer, “it was an 
awfully sad affair.” He began to wring his hands and 
weep with new vigor. 

“I am crying about the Flood,” moaned another of 
the Gloomers. 

“I am afraid there will be no sweet potatoes year 
after next,” wailed another. 


202 


LAUGHS AND TEARS 


“What if the sky should fall?” cried one. 

“Or if the world should turn over!” groaned another. 
Lucile began to wring her own hands. “Dear, dear,” 
she cried, “I have seen enough of your Gloomers, of 



Gloom City. Let us go back to the Land of Laughs.” 
“Yes, indeed!” chimed in the Jester and Jupiter. 
“Oh, my potato-eye!” cried the Foolish Idea, sud- 
denly. “I am afraid the air will freeze.” 

“There,” said Lucile, “the Idea has turned Gloomer. 
He will be more foolish than ever, if he is going to 
have these gloomy ideas ” 


203 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

The Jester and the long-bearded man grasped the 
Idea by the hand, and they all passed out the great, 
black gate and turned their faces to the Land 
of Laughs. The Foolish Idea, however, wailed and 
groaned, expressing ideas more foolish than ever be- 
fore. 

“Maybe some day I might have lockjaw in my right 
toe! 

“What if the sea should turn to jelly! 

“I am afraid Lucile will change into a hobgoblin 
and bite off my cabbage-head.” 

He continued with his sad but foolish ideas until 
they had him over the white line that divided the two 
countries, when he braced up and gave a long sigh of 
relief. “I tell you, my good comrades, I am glad to 
be out of the City of Gloom. It is better to be a plain 
Foolish Idea with a cabbage-head and a cedar chest 
than to be an idea both foolish and sad.” 

In the Land of Laughs all was bright and beautiful. 
Birds were singing, the sun shone brightly, the roads 
were lined with ripe fruits and fragrant blossoms. Ev- 
204 


LAUGHS AND TEARS 

ery where was color — red, blue, yellow, orange, green, 
pink, purple. The whole land was like a sweep of the 
rainbow. A pleasant, musical sound like the cooing of 
babies came to their ears. In another minute they 
stood at the foot of what seemed to be a great ladder 
of clear and beautiful water, reaching up, up, up and 
still up to the sky itself. The great sheet of water 
trickled down in a long series of cascades, giving forth 
the musical sound that had attracted them. 

‘'These are the Ripples of Laughter/’ explained their 
conductor. “Are they not beautiful?” 

“Indeed, they are,” responded Lucile. “But where 
does the water come from?” 

“From the Fountain of Mirth away up on the 
Heights of Delight,” said the guide. “But let us go on 
to Joyville.” 

He led them in a few minutes’ walk to another walled 
city, but this time Lucile and her companions jumped 
and danced with glee at the sight. For the walls, the 
streets, the houses were laid out in wonderful curves 
and crescents, sparkling with brilliant lights, shimmer- 

205 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

ing with the richest and most varied colors. The citi- 
zens wore robes that might have come from the rainbow 
itself, and they were singing and shouting merrily to 
one another. 

“The world is a beautiful place,” one of the Joyites 
shouted to the travelers. 

“I love to live,” cried another. “I have never, never 
been so happy before.” 

“Just think how happy we can make one another,” 
exclaimed a third. 

The Jester became so excited that he bounded high 
into the air, came down with a great bump and, stretch- 
ing out his rubber body into a big ball, bumped and 
bounced and rolled all over the pleasant city of Joy- 
ville, greatly to the merriment of the delightful inhab- 
itants of the place. 

“I should love to live here always,” he declared as 
he finally settled down much out of breath. 

“Indeed, I should, too, if my mama and Daddy 
were here,” said Lucile, “and if I did not have to hurry 
on to the Sapient Sage to keep King Danno from mak- 
206 


LAUGHS AND TEARS 

ing me Queen Sugar-and-Spice-and-Everything-Nice 
the Fourteenth/' 

The long-bearded man looked up with a grave face. 
“What's that?” he asked. “King Danno of Why? Is 
he seeking you?” 

Lucile explained the reason for their journey. 

“I have news that the King reached the Land of 
Laughs yesterday and is camping with his soldiers in 
the Valley of Bliss/' said the guide. “You had best 
hurry on. I will conduct you to the movable sidewalk, 
and I will also endeavor to detain the King by any 
means in my power.” 

Within five minutes, after bidding their kind con- 
ductor good-by, the comrades were once more upon the 
pavement and scudding merrily along the line that 
divided the Land of Laughs from the Land of Tears. 
And one may be sure that they turned their faces wholly 
toward the bright and beautiful Land of Laughs. 


CHAPTER XVIII 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 

On the morning of the next day Lucile opened her 
eyes with a feeling that the pavement was not sailing 
over the face of the ground as usual. As soon as she 
had time to gather her wits, she realized that the side- 
walk had ceased to move altogether, that, indeed, it had 
come to an abrupt end at the foot of a great rock, large 
enough and hard enough to have stopped the progress 
of twenty movable sidewalks. She was wondering how 
they would ever be able to proceed upon their journey 
without the aid of the pavement which had served them 
so well when, lifting her eyes to the top of the great 
rock, she beheld something that made her shiver. 

It was a very, very old giant of a man, with a face 
wrinkled and yellow and a snow-white beard so long 
208 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 



nil 




: t -: 1 


$mM\ 


’ 


mm 


mmm 


209 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

that he had coiled it like a sash around and around 
his huge body finally tying it into a knot in front of 
him. The upper part of his body was twisted into the 
shape of a horseshoe, opening in front, giving him the 
appearance of a living question-mark. The aged giant 
squatted upon the rock directly overhanging the 
couches of the comrades, and regarded them with what 
seemed to Lucile to be a very terrible and very evil 
countenance. 

Lucile stood gazing at the crooked-backed giant until 
she felt as if she were being slowly drawn into his 
burning, black eyes. Presently she found herself 
speaking. 

“Please, Mister Giant — or Sir Giant, I suppose I 
should say — what is this land? And how can we find 
the Sapient Sage?” 

“Fee-fi-fo-fum — questions again!” cried the old 
giant, in a voice so thin and piping that Lucile imme- 
diately lost a great deal of her fear of him. “After 
running away from the court of King Danno and seek- 
ing peace and quiet on this rock, am I to be forever 


210 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 


pestered with people who want to know things they’ve 
no business knowing?” 

“Oh!” gasped Lucile, catching her breath with the 
sudden knowledge that her long journey was ended. 
“So you are the Sapient Sage?” 

“That’s the second question in two minutes,” com- 
plained the Sage, “right now while I am figuring how 
many quills in the back of a gray porcupine three years 
old next Fourth of July. And I suppose all these 
friends of yours will want to be popping questions, 
too?” He pointed a yellow, claw-like hand toward 
the Jester, the Idea and Jupiter, who had been aroused 
by the conversation. 

“Yes, indeed,” began the Jester, “the first thing I 
want to know is — ” 

“Tut, tut!” interrupted the Sapient Sage. “The 
first thing you get to know will be the last thing, I can 
tell you. Do you suppose I shall squat here a year 
to answer silly questions? Now each of you can ask 
one — just one question, you understand. And get 


21 I 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

busy — and be brief. I have to weigh a star or two be- 
fore dinner-time . 55 

Lucile stood and gazed at the Sage much as she had 
done at the first sight of him. She could hardly believe 
that she was at the end of the long journey from the 
Purple City — or, indeed, from Chicago, for it was there 
that she had first started out to learn about things. 
Now that she stood before the Sapient Sage, she could 
not think of one thing that she really desired to know. 
She had seen so many strange scenes and picked up 
such a lot of things since she had left King Danno’s 
palace that she felt as if she really had no great desire 
to learn any more. Still she felt that, after all the 
toil and travel she had undergone, she ought to ask and 
obtain the most valuable bit of information left in the 
world, but she could not, for the life of her, think what 
this could be. There were the questions with which she 
had so often bothered her Daddy — let’s see, what were 
those questions anyhow? Dear me, she had actually 
forgotten all of them. There was one she remem- 


2 I 2 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 

bered though — something about why did crocodiles 
sleep with their mouths open, and another about why 
were there warts on pickles — 

“Hey there, you!” bawled the Sage, in a voice sud- 
denly grown terrible. “Just ten seconds left. What’s 
your question?” 

Lucile found herself staring at his long, gray, wind- 
ing beard. She wondered how many, many years it 
must have taken the Sage to grow the long, white whis- 
kers. She could think of nothing else. And before 
she realized it she was asking, “I wonder how old you 
are, Sir Sage?” 

“Two thousand, four hundred and sixty-three years, 
nine months, two weeks, six days, eleven minutes, 
forty-nine seconds and seven ticks,” promptly re- 
sponded the Sage. “Next?” 

Lucile sat wearily back on her couch. Now that she 
had asked her one question, she knew that the answer 
could do her no possible good. Still she had seen so 
many wonderful and interesting things in the course of 
her journey that she felt well satisfied with the result—* 
213 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

if they could but get safely back to the Purple City and 
to Chicago and to her mama and her Daddy. But 
the Foolish Idea was talking to the Sage, and she leaned 
forward to listen. 

“Please, Sir Sage, tell me how to be wise and not 
foolish. All my life I have been a poor Foolish Idea 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 

good for nothing except to make people laugh and do 
silly things. I wish to be wise and serious. Tell me 
this one thing, oh, Sage.” Big tear-drops fell from the 
potato-eyes of the Idea and splashed upon the floor of 
the platform. 

“And I seek to know how to be funny, how to make 
folks laugh, ha-ha, giggle and be gay,” the Jester was 
saying. “All my life I have tried to bring forth laughs, 
but have succeeded in making only sighs and grunts 
and groans. Tell me this, the why and how of laugh- 
ing, oh, Sapient Sage.” The Jester became so earnest 
that he stretched his rubber neck until the top of it 
reached almost into the face of the giant. 

For a minute the Sage sat scratching his long, white 
beard. Then he slapped his knees with his hands. 

“Oho!” he cried out. “This is purely a case of ex- 
change.” 

“Exchange?” echoed the Idea and the Jester. 

“By all means,” said the Sage. “One of you seeks to 
be more serious, the other to be more foolish. One can 
do nothing but silly, laughable things, the other can not 

215 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

make people laugh. It is a matter of exchanging your 
talents.” 

“But — but I haven’t any talents,” stammered the 
Idea. 

“Oh, yes, foolishness is quite a talent,” replied the 
Sage. “Here, stand still, both of you, and gaze into 
my eyes.” 

As the Idea and the Jester stared fixedly into his 
eyes, the Sage passed his hands about in the air, mut- 
tered some strange words, then seized the Jester and, 
stretching his rubber body, wrapped it around and 
around the Idea, until Nic-Nac gleamed with stripes 
like any barber’s pole. Then, taking the Idea by his 
cabbage-head and the Jester by one foot, the Sage gave 
them a mighty spin, which resulted in Nic-Nac whirling 
about like a top and the Jester bouncing forty feet 
away as he unwound. 

When he had finished spinning, the Idea heaved a 
great sigh. “Christopher Columbus discovered Amer- 
ica in 1492,” he declared, very gravely. 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 

“That’s right,” nodded the Sage. “There’s nothing 
foolish about that idea.” 

“George Washington was the first President of the 
United States,” continued Nic-Nac. “Paris is the cap- 



217 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

ital of France — the earth revolves around the sun once 
a year.” 

“Splendid,” approved Lucile. “Nic-Nac has be- 
come as wise as any school-teacher. Now let us hear 
from the Jester.” 

“Rippety-kippety-kink ! 

The world is about to sink; 

The rivers and seas are turning to cheese, 

And the blue sky’s changing to pink,” 

recited the Jester. 

“Ha, ha, ha!” laughed Lucile and the Sage. “How 
dreadfully funny — ho, ho!” 

The Jester bounced in glee. “You laughed — both 
of you laughed !” he cried. “At last I am a really funny 
Jester. How splendid!” 

“The capital of Woodson County, Kansas, is Yates 
Center. Ten dimes make one dollar. Mt. Aconcagua 
is 23,200 feet high,” continued the Idea, strutting 
about in his new pride. 

“How very, very wise!” murmured Lucile, lost in 
admiration of her once foolish friend. 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 


“If a little cat is a kitten 
And a little cow is a calf, 

Is a little mat then a mitten 
And a little hog just a half 4 ?” 

pattered the Jester. 

“Oh, dear — oh, dear!” laughed Lucile. “I know you 
would make King Danno laugh his sides sore now.” 

“But there’s your goat,” put in the Sage. “He must 
have a question. Let’s get through.” 

Jupiter ambled up to the seat of the Sage. “Please, 
Sir Sage,” he began, “I have just had a very fine thing 
to happen to me, in that all the world has turned red. 
But sometimes, as happened yesterday in the City of 
Gloom, the red is a dark, dirty, dismal red. "\Vhat I 
should like very much to know is how to have this red 
a bright and cheery red such as all goats adore — the 
kind of red you see on a tomato can or a circus poster, 
for instance.” 

“Oh, yes,” answered the Sage, “surely there can be 
nothing easier.” Reaching into a satchel that lay at 
his side, he brought forth a large pair of spectacles. 
219 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

'These are the Magic Spectacles of Hope and Joy. 
Looking through them, the world will always be a 
beautiful, goat-pleasing rose-color. Of course, if one 
is always hopeful and joyful, the world will be just the 
right color, anyhow. But these things can not always 
be expected of a goat. Now, I hope everybody is quite 
happy. 5 ' 

"Yes, indeed , 55 exclaimed the Idea. "How can any- 
one be otherwise when he has fine ideas about John 
Quincy Adams and Madagascar and the hypotenuse of 
a triangle ? 55 

"Or when one can make people split their sides over 
funny verses like 

“Pumpkins and pins 
And puppy-dog shins 

or 

“Carpet-tacks and crows 
And caterpillars’ toes!” 

cried the Jester. 

"Then I must get back to my work of weighing the 
stars , 55 declared the Sage, "and I hope I shall not be 
pestered with any more questions . 55 


220 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 

Lucile, who had been thinking hard the last few 
minutes, spoke up. Please, Sir Sage, before you go 
to figuring on the stars, we must get back to the Purple 
City and to Chicago. Is there any way we can take 
without going through all the adventures we have had 
in Gloom City and Cloud Land and the Dis ma l 
Darks'?” 

“That’s a question !” snapped the Sage, very crossly. 
“I shall answer no more questions.” 

“Dear, dear!” wailed Lucile. “We shall have to go 
through all the dreadful story-telling and climb over 
the rainbow and be bitten by the Gigantic Germs 
again.” 

“I don’t care — everything will be such a beautiful, 
rosy red,” said Jupiter. “But what is that?” 

All raised their heads at the clear, ringing sound of 
bugles, coming louder and louder from the direction 
of the Land of Laughs and Tears. Then suddenly 
from around a jutting rock a party of horsemen gal- 
loped into view. 

“The King, the King!” shouted the Jester. 


22 1 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


The bugles blew yet more loudly, and the horse- 
men, coming up at full tilt, drew rein before the great 
rock. 



“At last — all hail to Lucile!” roared King Danno. 
“Queen Sugar-and-Spice-and-Everything-Nice the 


222 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 

Fourteenth, of the Land of Why. Let all her loving 
subjects bend the knee. Hail, hail — all hail !” 

The horsemen, springing from their foaming steeds, 
bowed sweepingly before Lucile, who drew back in 
dismay. 

“But I do not wish to be Queen Sugar-and-Spice or 
any other kind of queen,” she cried. “I don’t see why 
you don’t pick some one else to rule the Kingdom of 
Why. There’s the Sage — and all the courtiers — and 
the Jester — and — ” 

“Hoity-toity!” interrupted the King. “We can’t 
have just anybody for ruler of Why. And you’re the 
one I choose. But what have you been doing here? 
And has the Sapient Sage answered all your ques- 
tions?” 

“He will answer but one question,” answered Nic- 
Nac. “But from asking one question I have learned 
enough to change me from a very Foolish Idea into one 
so wise as to talk of Martin Van Buren, the aurora bo- 
realis, appendicitis, the Solomon Islands, latitude and 


223 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

longitude, and anything else with a long word that you 
might suggest.” 

“And he has taught me to be a really funny Jester,” 
exclaimed the striped rubber man. “Listen, King 
Danno, who never laughed at jest of mine: 



“Old King Danno was a gloomy, old soul. 
And a gloomy, old soul was he. 

He bawled o’er his pipe 

And he bawled o’er his bowl 

And he bawled at his Jester’s gay-e-tee.” 


“Hey-hey-ho! Hi-hee-hee! Ho-ho-ho!” cackled 
the King of Why. “That’s the only good joke you 
ever made. Ho-ho-ho! Hey-hi-hee!” 


224 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 

The King ceased suddenly and became very grave. 
“Come to think of it,” he said solemnly, “I should like 
to ask one question myself, Sir Sapient Sage. Maybe 
in your wonderful wisdom you can tell me how to be 
happy, how to attain that perfect joy and peace for 
which I have sought in vain all my life*?” 

The unhappy King of Why began to cry so that it 
was necessary for the Imperial Drier of the Royal 
Tears to rush up with his crimson handkerchief of state. 
“Boo-hoo!” wailed the King. “Unhappy me — miser- 
able me! Tell me this, Sir Sage, can I ever, ever be 
happy like other mortals 4 ?” 

! The Sapient Sage spoke very gravely. “You can 
be happy, King Danno, only when you decide to be a 
real king and to govern wisely and well. You can not 
be happy by shoving your problems upon some one else. 
Duty well-performed is the happiness of kings.” 

“Peppermint and pickles!” exclaimed the King, slap- 
ping his thigh. “I wonder I never thought of that. 
Then Lucile will not have to be Queen of Why, after 
all. And I must be King and do my duty — and thus 
225 



THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

be happy ever after. What a fine thing that I chased 
Lucile across the kingdom! How glad I am that I 
came! Blow great blows on the bugles! Hoo-ray! 
All hail to King Danno! Blow, blow!” 


The royal buglers blew into their golden instruments 
until the air rang with the sound. The King strutted 
about shaking hands with the amazed and relieved 
226 


THE SAPIENT SAGE 

Lucile, with the Sage, with the courtiers and any one 
who would listen to the tale of his new happiness. And 
then, as the royal buglers rested from their mighty 
bugling, the far-away sound of other bugles came to 
their ears. Another party of horsemen dashed around 
the point of rock and up to the King. Dismounting, 
the heralds — for such they were — threw themselves at 
the feet of the now-happy King Danno. 

“Oh, King!” they cried. “The Topsy-Turvies have 
invaded the Purple City and have turned everything 
upside-down!” 


CHAPTER XIX 


VERY BAD NEWS 

The entire party was thrown into a state of great 
consternation at the heralds’ announcement of the 
dreadful invasion of the Purple City by the Topsy- 
Turvies. In fact, the Imperial Driers of the Royal 
Tears were already advancing toward King Danno, 
feeling that under the stress of such tidings he would 
shed at least a tubful, when the King waved them 
back. 

“No, no,” he cried, “this is in all truth very bad news. 
But, as I am King of Why, I have now a most serious 
duty to perform. The Sage declares that the greatest 
happiness is in the performance of duty. Therefore I 
shall be very happy. Now tell me, heralds, just what 
has happened in our good Purple City.” 

The leader of the heralds bowed his face to 
228 



VERY BAD NEWS 


the ground. 4 ‘Everything is upside-down, oh, King— ® 
the mountains, the molasses-pitchers, the ink-bottles, 
the trees. The churches all stand upon their steeples 
with the doors high in the air. The chairs and beds are 
inverted so that nobody can sit or sleep any more. The 
books and newspapers are bottom-up so that none but 
a Chinaman could read them. Even the lakes and 
ponds are upside-down and all the water has fallen 


229 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Chocolate-drops and clam chowder!” roared King 
Danno. “We must get back, and that right away be- 
fore all the sky gets upside-down and there will be no 
more rain or sunshine. But there are many lands to be 
passed through, and it would be weeks before we could 
reach the Purple City. Is there no quicker way, Sir 
Sage?” 

The Sage frowned angrily. “You have had your 
question,” he growled. “You can ask no more.” 

“You ask him,” the King said to the herald, and the 
herald repeated the King’s question. 

“There is a quicker way to return,” said the Sapient 
Sage, yawning like a man greatly bored. “Back of 
this rock is the Weird Cranny of the Witches, where 
is kept the Aerial Torpedo in which the journey could 
be made through the air in less time than it would take 
to say some of the long words that I know. In that 
land also is kept the Golden Key by means of which 
ages and ages ago the Queen of the Witches locked the 
Topsy-Turvies upside-down. By turning this key in 
some lock, of which I know nothing, the Queen-Witch 


230 


VERY BAD NEWS 

succeeded in turning upside-down all the Topsy-Tur- 
vies, who walk on their heads because they have it to 
do, and not at all because they like it. If we could 
obtain the Golden Key and could find the lock in 
which it works, you would be able to make the Topsy- 
Turvies walk upright like other people, and then their 
spell over the Purple City would be broken. As to 
where this lock is, however, I do not know.” 

The King turned to another of the heralds. “You 
haven’t asked any questions yet,” he said. “Ask the 
Sage how we are to find the Weird Cranny of the 
Witches with its aerial torpedoes and its keys of gold.” 

The second herald repeated the King’s question to 
the Sapient Sage, who sat a long time before replying. 
When he did so he heaved a long, drawn-out sigh. 

“I will go with you to the Witch Cranny, 
King Danno, and endeavor to find for you the torpedo 
and the key. I will even return with you to the Pur- 
ple City and see what can be done toward quelling 
these Topsy-Turvy invaders. That is, I will go on one 
condition. There must be a royal edict that no more 


231 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

foolish questions shall be put to me, under pain of 
banishment from Why. I don’t mind common sense, 
honest questions such as the Idea’s and the Jester’s. 
But I find that even here on this rock I am not safe 
from inquisitive persons. I have had eight or ten ques- 
tions put to me within the last hour — and Lucile’s was 
rather foolish, to want to know the age of an old philos- 
opher like me. I get very lonely here, and if you will 
do this, I will go.” 

The King nodded to the High and Mighty Recorder 
of the Royal Whims and Whimsies, who wrote briskly 
on a piece of parchment. Then the heralds sounded 
the golden bugles, and the Chief of the Heralds bawled 
the edict: 

“Oyez, oyez! Hearken to the 567th decree of King Danno 
of Why, the Ex-Unhappy. 

“It is hereby proclaimed that Sir Sapient Sage is hereafter and 
forever excused from the answering of foolish, silly and sense- 
less questions; and all who insist upon the propounding of said 
foolish, silly and senseless questions shall be banished from our 
good land of Why. 


232 


VERY BAD NEWS 


“Be it further proclaimed that there is no objection to the put- 
ting of wise and honest questions to the Sapient Sage. On the 
contrary, the asking of such questions is to be encouraged as tend- 
ing to increase the learning and knowledge of the citizens of 



“Re it further proclaimed that, inasmuch as there may be times 
when citizens will be honestly perplexed as to whether a ques- 
tion be wise or foolish, it is hereby decreed that Nic-Nac, once 


233 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

known as the Foolish Idea, is appointed Imperial Judge and 
Arbiter of the Wisdom or Foolishness of questions, it being 
deemed that, by reason of his recent change from a Foolish Idea 
to a Wise Idea, he is especially qualified for duties of this nature. 

“Given under my hand, this 14th day of the 1st Moon in the 
Month of Marshmallows. 

“(Signed) DANNO” 

The reading of this surprising decree brought a great 
rush of congratulations to Nic-Nac, who was so af- 
fected by his new honors that he almost wept. The 
Sapient Sage was also much affected. 

“It is the best thing that could possibly have hap- 
pened,” declared the Sage. “Now I can see my way 
to doing wonderful things for the Kingdom of Why 
by answering all the questions that people ought really 
to have answered, whereas heretofore all my time has 
been taken up with silly, profitless inquiries. And no 
one should be better qualified to judge between wise 
and foolish ideas than Nic-Nac, since he has been both.” 

After all present had congratulated the Sage and 
Nic-Nac, the former declared they had best be off to 
the Witch Cranny, which he explained lay to the south 

234 


VERY BAD NEWS 

about five miles. A column was formed, the Sage lead- 
ing with the heralds, and the soldiers of Why bringing 
up the rear. King Danno insisted on Lucile’s mounting 
a beautiful, snow-white horse, equipped with the richest 
trappings, and insisted that she do him the honor of 
riding by his side. 

“In all my reign I have never been so happy,” he 
confided, after they had set forth. “After this, I shall 
always be seeking for new duties.” 

And behind her she heard the others talking. 

“Nero fiddled while Rome burned — Peary discov- 
ered the North Pole — thirty days hath September. 
What beautifully wise ideas I now have, and how 
happy I am!” murmured Nic-Nac. 

“Hi-diddle-doodle, 

My lady’s French poodle 
The barber cut off his tail. 

The north wind froze 
The end of his nose, 

And the pound-keeper put him in jail,” 

sang the Jester. 

“What a bright and cheery red is the whole wide 
world,” Jupiter was muttering, 

235 


CHAPTER XX 


THE WITCHES’ CRANNY 

After an hour’s riding through pleasant valleys, the 
travelers espied a column of thick smoke curling lazily 
up from behind a clump of trees upon the top of a high 
hill. 

“That is the great, central cauldron of the witches,” 
the Sage explained. “There is where all the charms, 
philters, potions, poisons, spells and magic are made. 
They will probably be very busy to-day.” 

Before they had ridden much farther, they were met 
by a withered, old lady, wearing a black, peaked hat, 
a white apron and blue goggles, and riding astride a 
broom. The old lady conducted them up a long, wind- 
ing, stony path to a great cavern where a hundred 
witches were busily engaged in eating cheese. What 
most puzzled Lucile was the fact that they took but a 
236 


THE WITCHES’ CRANNY 


bite or so at a piece of cheese, then laid it down and 
seized another piece, to go through the same process, 
without seeming to swallow anything. 

“Ho, Mother Winnie Witch / 5 cried the Sage, ad-, 
dressing a still older and more withered hag, who sat 
upon a raised throne at the back of the cavern. “What 
witches’ work are you occupied with to-day?” 



237 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“It is hole-day/’ the Mother Witch croaked in a 
hoarse, dismal voice. “There are a lot of holes needed 
in this world, and we are making them — Swiss-cheese 
holes, sieve-holes, grindstone-holes, post-holes, porous- 
plaster-holes, bung-holes, sink-holes, lattice-porch- 
holes and other holes.” 

Then Lucile saw that each piece of cheese, when 
-taken up by a witch, was smooth and solid, but that, 
after the hag had taken a bite at it, the cheese was full 
of holes, like the Swiss cheese for which her mother had 
often sent her to the groceries. Over in another corner 
of the cavern was stacked a great collection of sheets 
of tin, which another band of witches was biting full 
of holes in order to make sieves. 

But the cauldron in front of the cavern was the lousi- 
est scene. Here the greater part of the witches were 
at work, dipping great, round stones into the huge 
cauldron. After the stones had been thoroughly soft- 
ened in the smelly mixture, big holes were bitten out 
of the center, converting them into grindstones. 
Other witches were plunging barrels into the great 
238 


THE WITCHES’ CRANNY 

kettle, after which they would bite bung-holes in the 
sides. These witches, Lucile observed, had but one 
tooth, ranging in size from a tiny, sharp tooth for the 
witches who were biting holes in needles, to great, pow- 
erful tusks for the hags who were piercing the grind- 
stones. Another group of the witches, however, was 
equipped with dozens and dozens of teeth, and these 
were biting holes in poultice-plasters to make them 
porous, or in boards for conversion into lattice-work. 
It was certainly very surprising to see holes made in 
this manner. 

After they had made their round of the cavern, the 
party assembled before the seat of the Mother Witch, 
who addressed the Sapient Sage. 

“Why do you come into my domains, Sir Sapient 
Sage? What is your business in the Weird Cranny 
of the Witches?” 

The Sage pointed toward Nic-Nac, who stood at his 
right. “According to the 567th decree of King Danno 
of Why, you must get the opinion of Sir Nic-Nac as 
to the wisdom or foolishness of your question,” he ad- 
vised. 


239 


THE KINGDOM OF. WHY 



“That is a very wise question,” the Idea ruled 
gravely. “As ruler of the witches, it is her duty to 
know why strangers invade her country; you must an- 
swer as she desires.” 

“Then we have come seeking the Aerial Torpedo and 
the Golden Key of Magic, oh, Mother,” answered the 
Sage. 


240 


THE WITCHES’ CRANNY 

The Mother Witch showed her sharp, white teeth 
in a terrible grin. “And what do you want with my 
precious possessions, the Aerial Torpedo, which whizzes 
o’er land and sea, and the Golden Key of Marvelous 
Magic, oh, Sage 4 ?” 

“Wise,” the Idea decided instantly. “As keeper of 
these wonderful treasures, she is entitled to know why 
they are borrowed.” 

The Sapient Sage explained the objects and purposes 
of their journey. The Mother Witch grinned evilly 
and shook her head in a way that frightened Lucile, 
who could see that they would not obtain their desires 
very readily. 

“We have here the Torpedo and the Key,” croaked 
the Witch, “but why should we give them to you, with 
whom we have nothing in common, and who, although 
our neighbor for many weeks, have never come a-visit- 
ing nor gossiped over the back fence, nor sent us any 
good thing from your Sunday dinners 4 ?” 

It took Nic-Nac several minutes to decide as to such 
a peculiar question, but he finally ruled that it was 
24 I 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

wise, as she should know everything about the lending 
of the precious treasures. The Sage pondered some 
time before giving his answer. 

/‘The best reason I know is that maybe I could give 
you some very valuable information in exchange for 
your treasures / 5 he said finally. 

At this the witches became tremendously excited and 
Lucile began to feel that their mission would be suc- 
cessful, after all. The witches left their hole-work and 
crowded about the Mother Witch for a whispered coun- 
cil of some minutes. After this, it was announced that 
they would lend the Torpedo and the Key in exchange 
for the answer to one question, subject, of course, to 
the ruling of the Idea. Thereupon the Sapient Sage 
assumed a knowing pose and awaited the question. 

“How can we succeed in making holes in the deep* 
blue sea, oh, Sage ? 55 asked the Mother Witch. 

“Foolish , 55 Nic-Nac decided promptly. “For, if 
holes were made in the sea, all the water would run 
out / 5 


242 


THE WITCHES’ CRANNY 

“Then how can we make holes in the air?” asked the 
Mother Witch. 

“That also is a foolish question,” decided the Idea, 
“for, if there were holes in the air, you would fall into 
them when riding witch-fashion on your brooms across 
the sky.” 

At this there was another earnest whispering on the 
part of the witches, after which the Mother Witch 
spoke again : 

“How can we old and ugly hags become fair and 
beautiful like the little girl you have with you?” 

The Idea thought deeply for a long time. “In my 
opinion,” he said finally, “that is a wise question. Al- 
though these witches do a great deal of useful work 
making holes and things, there is a feeling against 
them, due mainly to their unfortunate appearance, 
which leads many people to think the witches are 
wholly evil. Now, if they were young and fair like 
Lucile, the feeling against them would disappear, and 
thus their usefulness to mankind would be greatly in- 
creased.” 


243 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

The Sage, after nodding his approval of the Idea’s 
decision, pondered for some time. Then he drew from 
his bosom a small piece of folded paper. “In this pa- 
per,” he said, “is a powder which, if swallowed to the 
tune of ‘Eenie-Meenie-Minie-Mo,’ will convert all 
your witches into young and beautiful fairies. See 
that you use your new talents well.” 

There was a great clapping of hands from the witches. 
“Fine — splendid!” they shouted. “We have always 
desired to be fairies, but little dreamed that it would 
come to pass.” 

“This is indeed precious advice,” declared the Mother 
Witch, “and I am truly glad you came to Witch 
Cranny. Now I will conduct you to the Aerial Tor- 
pedo.” 

With that she led the party without the cavern to a 
level stretch of ground where lay a great, cigar-shaped 
affair higher than a man’s head and as long as a railway 
coach. It was made of pure gold and bore upon the 
sides in bright, red letters the words : 

“THE DIZZY HEIGHTS LINE, LIMITED.” 

244 


THE WITCHES’ CRANNY 

There were several windows, with a door at one end, 
through which the Mother Witch conducted them. 
Lucile was surprised to find the inside of the air-ship 
lined with velvet cushions and fitted with the richest 
furniture. There were books and pictures and toys 
and food and everything else that a person could wish 
for a journey. 

“Here is the gravity that you throw overboard when 
you wish to rise,” explained the Mother Witch, indi- 
cating some canvas sacks. “And here are the steering- 
levers, by which you go north, south, east, west or sky- 
crooked. Here is the speedometer, which shows how 
rapidly the Torpedo is traveling. You must be careful 
not to go faster than the aerial speed-limit, which is 
ten miles a minute in sunshine and one mile in five 
minutes through clouds and fog. And here is the 
Golden Key, although I can not tell you where is the 
lock into which you must fit it to conquer the Topsy- 
Turvies.” 

She drew from her bosom a large key of solid gold, 


245 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

set with sparkling gems, and handed it to the Sage. 
“Good-by,” she said, “and a pleasant journey.” 

The next minute the torpedo was rising rapidly as 
the Idea and the Jester tossed the gravity bags over- 
board. Lucile looked from a window and beheld the 
witches’ cave already but a speck far below. The next 
minute they whizzed through a lot of damp mist, which 
the Sage said was a cloud, and then they shot into a 



THE WITCHES’ CRANNY 

glorious, sunlit space. The Sage turned a brass lever 
and the Torpedo poked its golden nose closer to the 
ground so that Lucile could see distinctly many of the 
strange scenes through which she had passed so slowly 
and so toilsomely in her flight from King Danno. 

There to the right was the miserable City of Gloom, 
and they could hear the sighs of the inhabitants coming 
up like a wailing wind. Opposite lay the fair city of 
Joyville, and they could hear the citizens laughing and 
singing. Farther on they made out the Land of Dread- 
ful Story-Telling, where they could well imagine that 
people were saying the sea was of ink and the sky of 
soap-suds; and beyond that they made out Professor 
Mighty Wise and his companions at their eternal prob- 
lems. 

Next they heard the sweet, clear strains that floated 
up from every little movement in the Musical Land of 
Mezzo. And then they could see nothing at all, by 
which sign they knew they hovered over Invisible Land. 
After this, they made out the green and blue and pink 
pools of dreams, and beyond these the great Lake of 
247 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

Clouds, with all the rain-clouds and wind-clouds and 
other clouds floating upward. Then came the gorgeous 
arch of the Rainbow; and then the Rhymoes, making 
jingles of pigs and twigs and figs; and then the Gi- 
gantic Germs from whom they had so narrowly escaped. 
Then everything turned black — black as jet, ink, tar, 
or a blackboard — as they passed through the Dismal 
Darks. After this, they whizzed above Word Land, 
where they saw the Word-Makers setting up a new 
word — auto-physic-ology — which the Sage explained 
probably meant the science of getting well without 
having to take squills, paregoric or other nasty 
medicines. And then they shot above Idea Land, and 
the Idea, happy in his new-found wisdom, wept just 
the least bit for his old home and fellow Ideas. Finally 
they whizzed over a river and sighted the Purple City. 

But a sadly-changed Purple City it was. The beau- 
tiful chocolate-cream and peppermint-stick trees stood 
upon their branches, their roots waving feebly in the 
air. The movable sidewalks were suspended in the 
air, with the seats and couches hanging down. The 
248 


THE WITCHES’ CRANNY 


churches were inverted, the towers resting upon the 
ground. The whole splendid city was upside-down, 
its magnificent arches and domes and spires upon the 
ground, with the steps and foundations high in the air. 
Everywhere, on every hand, the Topsy-Turvies hopped 
upon their heads, their big feet dangling and waving 
above them. The fact that they walked upon their 
heads did not seem to bother them at all. Indeed, some 
were jumping across entire streets, alighting upon their 
heads without so much as a wobble. 


CHAPTER XXI 


THE HEAD-HOPPERS OF THE PURPLE CITY 

The Sapient Sage pulled at a lever and the Aerial 
Torpedo settled slowly and gracefully. As they 
neared the blue ground, the Topsy-Turvies came head- 
hopping from all directions, and within a few moments 
they had landed on the great plain before the Purple 
City and in the midst of an excited army of the in- 
vaders. 

“We’ll remain inside the Torpedo a bit to see how 
they behave toward company,” remarked the Sage, 
peering through the thick, glass windows. 

Before he had finished speaking, one end of the Tor- 
pedo began to rise from the ground. 

“Quick, quick — let us ascend!” cried the Jester. 
“They are turning the Torpedo upside-down!” 

The Sage grabbed at the gravity bags to toss them 
250 


THE HEAD-HOPPERS 

overboard, but it was already too late. The front end 
of the Torpedo rose swiftly; then the whole air-ship 
seemed to jump, and the next second they were in a 

i-J&K'i-A'j-i* 1— — 1 1 1 hktitHUj UikUy / 



heap on what had been the roof of the Torpedo, but 
which was now the floor. The chairs and the other 
beautiful furniture hung upside-down above their 

251 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

heads. It was clear there was no possibility of getting 
back to the upper air. 

The Sage scrambled to his feet, rearranging his long 
beard. “We had as well get out,” he said. “It may 
be that we can reason with them.” 

They patted their clothes into place and, following 
the Sage, climbed out through the inverted doorway. 
In an instant, they found themselves in the midst of a 
howling, hopping mob of Topsy-Turvies. To Lucile, 
it was a queer sight, indeed, to see so many people 
standing on their heads, eating, pointing or saluting 
with their hands while their feet pounded together in 
the air as a crowd of every-day people would clap its 
hands at an election or a circus. The Jester reached 
down and held her up. As far as she could see, there 
were feet, feet — an ocean of kicking, dangling feet. 
The one Lucile knew must be King of the Topsy- 
Turvies had the most peculiar face. His nose was 
twice as large as an ordinary Topsy-Turvy’s and there 
was but one nostril. His mouth, instead of running 
across the lower part of his face, ran from his nose to 


252 


THE HEAD-HOPPERS 

his chin. As she wondered at this, the King head- 
hopped up to the Sage. 

“Who are you?” he demanded, in an extremely gruff 
voice. 

“A wise question,” ruled the Idea. “As invader of 
the Purple City, it’s his business to know who enters 
the country.” 

“I am the Sapient Sage,” replied the old philosopher, 
putting on a bold front, “and these are my friends and 
fellow travelers returning to their homes in the Purple 
City to find them sadly disturbed in their absence.” 

“Oho!” bawled the Royal Topsy-Turvy. “And one 
of your friends and companions looks mightily like 
King Danno!” 

The King of the Topsy-Turvies executed three great 
circles with his feet. “Presto-pickles-reverse-positions- 
poppeldor-change !” he bawled. 

Instantly Lucile, without any notion of doing any- 
thing of the sort, turned a half-somersault. As soon as 
her head ceased swimming, she realized that she was 
standing on its crown. Beside her were the Sage, the 

253 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

Jester and the Idea, looking very, very ridiculous in 
the same unaccustomed position. To her right was Ju- 
piter, standing upon his two horns. A little farther 
off the King of Why and his heralds and soldiers re- 
posed in the same awkward position. They had been 
completely Topsy-Turvied. 

“Conduct the prisoners to the guard-house!” bawled 
the King of the Topsy-Turvies, and immediately a 
squad of the Topsy-Turvy soldiers surrounded the 
party. 

Lucile supposed she would have to be carried, but, 
seeing the Sage and the others hop off after the guards, 
she put forth an effort and found that she could hop 
upon her head about as easily as she had always been 
able to walk on her feet. In fact, she did not feel at 
all uncomfortable, although she knew she must look 
very ridiculous, and she hoped sincerely that she was 
not to go head-hopping all her life. 

The guards conducted them to a square, stone house 
which stood upside-down just without the turquoise 
walls of the Purple City. They supplied the prisoners 

254 


THE HEAD-HOPPERS 


with meat and biscuits sticking to the bottom of some 
upside-down plates, and left them. 

“I don’t see how we are to eat at all,” wailed Lucile. 



“Our mouths are next to the ground, and our food will 
have to go up instead of down.” 

“But the biscuits are upside-down also,” said the 

255 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

Sage, “so that they will only be going in the right direc- 
tion for them.” 

After they had eaten, the Sage stood on his head in 
one corner and remained very quiet. Lucile thought 
the old giant had gone to sleep, but after a bit she saw 
that his eyes were not closed, and she knew he must be 
thinking very deeply. She hoped very much that the 
wise, old Sage would be able to think of some plan of 
escape from their present hopeless, hoppy condition. 
Indeed, for the first time since leaving Chicago, she be- 
came really sad. All along she had felt that, after see- 
ing the Sage and asking her questions, there would be 
no difficulty in returning to the Purple City and then, 
with the help of the aero-cow, to Chicago. But now 
they were prisoners — even the King of Why and his 
soldiers and the wise, old Sage were prisoners. And 
such prisoners, standing silly-wise upon the crowns of 
their heads! Dear, dear! Was there ever little girl 
placed in such a hopeless situation? If her Daddy — * 
who was also wise, wiser probably than the Sage, for 


256 


THE HEAD-HOPPERS 

one must be very wise to be a specialist — were only 
here, there might be a way out. But — 

She was aroused by a whisper from the Sage. “Come 
on, Lucile. We are going out to search for the lock 
in which the Magic Key works.” 

The Magic Key! Lucile had forgotten everything 
about the Golden Key of the witches. At the thought, 
her heart leaped wildly. Then she remembered that 
the key was of no use to them unless they could find 
the lock in which it turned. And what chance was 
there of finding the lock in this upside-down country of 
upside-down people 4 ? 

Outside, where it had become quite dark, the Jester, 
the Idea and King Danno awaited them. There were 
no guards at the door of the prison, but a knot of Topsy- 
Turvy soldiers slept a short distance off. As they 
hopped swiftly over the plain, through the open gate- 
way of the Purple City and along its streets, they saw 
that practically all the Topsy-Turvies were asleep. 
Secure in their occupation of the city, they doubtless 
felt no need to keep night watch. Occasionally they 

257 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

passed Topsy-Turvies who were stirring about, but 
these paid no attention to Lucile and her companions. 

After hopping half an hour, the Sage stopped at the 
great, golden door of the royal palace. Here, too, the 
guards slept soundly. The door swung back on its 
hinges and the comrades hopped in unchallenged and 
unmolested. A grating noise startled Lucile, but she 
realized it was only the T opsy-T urvies snoring. Along 
the dim corridors they slipped and into the great throne- 
room and even up to the splendid throne itself. On 
the throne King Bil-Bil, ruler of the Topsy-Turvies, 
was huddled upside-down and snoring loudly through 
his queer nose of one nostril. Lucile stood, her heart 
going pit-a-pat, while the Sage slipped noiselessly 
about, trying the Golden Key in satchels, doors, boxes, 
baggage, portmanteaus, desks, anything and everything 
where a hole or an opening appeared. He even tried the 
holes in the lace curtains and the cracks in the plaster- 
ing, but the Magic Key would not work. Finally the 
Sage approached the throne with the idea of trying the 
key in a hole in the King’s belt. He was working at 
258 


THE HEAD-HOPPERS 


this when a loud and angry voice sounded through the 
half-darkened throne-room. 

“Who’s there?” 

The Sage stiffened instantly. Lucile held her breath 
while her heart went pit-a-pat, very, very fast. 
“What ho — guards — lights — thieves — villains!” 



259 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

roared the voice again, this time coming plainly from 
King Bil-Bil, who was now hopping down from the 
throne. 

Instantly the great room filled with Topsy-Turvy 
soldiers. The Jester, the Idea and King Danno were 
seized and bound. The Sapient Sage was dragged, 
struggling and kicking, before King Bil-Bil. He had 
time, however, to slip the Magic Key into the hands of 
Lucile, who, knowing nothing else to do with it, hid it 
in her bosom. The next minute she was forced by the 
increasing crowd out of the throne-room. The last 
thing she made out in all the uproar was the announce- 
ment that the Sage and his fellow prisoners would be 
beheaded at noon of the next day. 

Lucile, having no other place to go, wandered back 
to the prison-house by the turquoise wall and, standing 
on her head in a corner, wept for half an hour. If ever, 
beneath the blue sky, there lived a little girl who had 
the right to cry, it certainly was Lucile Lawrence. She 
was doomed to stand on her head all her life, which 
alone was sufficient to make grown men, strong lions, 
260 


THE HEAD-HOPPERS 

or even wise specialists cry. Then her only friends in 
this Topsy-Turvy country were to have their heads 
chopped off the next day, and she could not but suppose 
that as soon as they took the trouble to think about her, 
the Topsy-Turvies would — but, this was too horrible 
to think about. Then finally, in case she should not 
meet the fate of the Sage and her other, dear friends, 
what hope had she of ever getting back to earth, to Chi- 
cago, to her mama, and her Daddy? She knew noth- 
ing of the cow’s whereabouts, or whether she was near 
the Purple City at all, or even if she still existed. If 
the cow was in the Purple City, she was probably up- 
side-down, and not even the Cow-that-Jumped-over- 
the-Moon could hope to fly upside-down. At last, too 
utterly miserable to produce any more tears, she fell 
asleep. 

When Lucile awakened, the sun was high in the sky. 
She head-hopped out in front of the stone house and 
watched the Topsy-Turvies at their work and play. 
She had not been there ten minutes when her attention 
was attracted by a party of gaily-clad Topsy-Turvies 
261 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

marching past to a great blowing of trumpets. Just in 
front of the prison the party halted. Some great Top- 
sy-Turvy was being escorted without the walls of the 
city and Lucile edged in for a closer view. It was King 
Bil-Bil. Her eyes dwelt in fascination on the King’s 
big, round hole of a nose and on his mouth, which ran 
up and down over his face instead of across it. What a 
peculiar thing it was. It reminded her of something,: 
although she could not think just what this something 
might be. What was it? What was it? The party 
marched ahead, trumpets blaring, flags flying. Lucile 
thought hard. Her head was almost aching, but still 
she struggled to remember. What — ah! An odd 
thought flashed through her brain and she hurried after 
the royal procession. 

They were bound to view the wreck of the Aerial 
Torpedo, which lay upside-down on the blue sward a 
short distance off. Lucile, hopping briskly, overtook 
them by the time they reached the wreck. No one paid 
any attention to her and she edged in close to King Bil- 
Bil. She wished to get another good look at his face, 
262 


THE HEAD-HOPPERS 

at the peculiar face which reminded her of the thing 
that had just come to her. The Royal-High-Explain- 
er-of-Things-That-Happen was speaking, however, 
and the listening King kept his up-and-down mouth 
closed so tightly as to prevent her from seeing what she 
wished. Finally the King opened his mouth to reply. 

“This is the Aerial Torpedo of Witch Cranny. I saw. 
it once — ” 

He got no further. Lucile, springing forward the in- 
stant he opened his mouth, had clapped the Golden 
Key into his face, the rounded end of the key into his 
great single nostril and the lower portion into his up- 
and-down mouth. 

“Hel-l-lp ! Mur-r-r-der «== mur — gurgle — gurgle !” 
went King Bil-Bil, but Lucile, taking both hands, 
turned and turned desperately at the key. Guards 
jumped forward and pulled at her arms, but she held on 
just for a moment and turned, turned, turned. 

And then something happened. Lucile felt herself 
execute a half-somersault, and for the first time since 
their imprisonment she stood upright on her two good 
263 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

feet. King Bil-Bil had turned also, the Golden Key 
still dangling rakishly from his surprised countenance. 
And all the Topsy-Turvies had turned. The Aerial 
Torpedo stood right side up. Beyond the mob the 
domed and minareted Purple City sat square and firm 
upon her foundations. The trees, the sidewalks, the 
lamp-posts were erect and natural once more. Lucile 
had found the lock into which the Golden Key of 
Magic fitted. The Purple City was saved. The Top- 
sy-Turvies were redeemed from their upside-down 
bondage. A great cheer arose, growing in volume until 
it became deafening. The rescued Topsy-Turvies be- 
gan to dance, to sing, to clap their hands. Lucile, ex- 
pecting some dreadful punishment, stood amazed at the 
joy and exultation she had brought about. And then 
she became aware of the deep, hoarse voice of King Bil- 
Bil calling for quiet. At first, his commands made no 
impression on tl^e happy mob, but gradually the noise 
diminished until finally all was quite still. Then the 
King approached Lucile. 


264 


THE HEAD-HOPPERS 

“All hail to Lucile !” he cried. “She has delivered us 
from the dreadful bondage of Topsy-Turvydom.” 

“All hail — all hail to Lucile!” cried a thousand 
voices. 

“She shall be Queen Lucile, the Dear Deliverer of all 



265 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

the Topsy-Turvies, and reign in my stead,” announced 
the King. 

“No, no, no !” cried Lucile. “I am glad that I deliv- 
ered you, and I hope that you will always remain de- 
livered. But I will not be Queen of the Topsy-Turv- 
ies. I have been running away from the queenship of 
Why for weeks and weeks. Everybody wants to make 
me a queen. But I will not be one — so there !” 

King Bil-Bil laughed heartily. “All right, Lucile,” 
he replied, “you do not have to be Queen, but you can 
have anything you wish in Topsy-Turvydom. And 
now I propose three cheers and a lallapaloozer for Lu- 
cile, our Dear Deliverer.” 

Lucile had to put her fingers into her ears to keep 
from being deafened. 


266 


CHAPTER XXII 


THE END OF IT ALL 

That night Lucile attended the imposing ceremony 
by which the Jester, the Idea and the Sage were in- 
stalled in their new positions. To the clamor of the 
golden bugles the Jester was proclaimed Fun-maker 
Extraordinary and Poet Laughter-ate of the Kingdom 
of Why. In his speech of acceptance of this important 
post, he recited riddles and quibs and verses based on 
the foolish ideas he had received in exchange from Nic- 
Nac, putting the entire court in an uproar of merri- 
ment. The applause so delighted the Jester that he 
bounced from floor to ceiling. 

The Sage was initiated as High and Mighty Solver 
of Puzzles and Perplexities, and the Idea as the Im- 
perial Judge and Arbiter of the Wisdom or Foolishness 
of Questions. During the Sage’s absence from the 
267 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 


Purple City, the people had thought of a great many 
things they desired to know, so that there was now a 
great babble of questions : 

“Why does a hyena laugh when no one is joking 4 ?” 

“Why did Mr. Foster go to Gloster?” 

“How old is Santa Claus?” 

“Who killed Cock Robin?” 

Nic-Nac decided as to the wisdom of the questions 
without the least hesitation and to the perfect satisfac- 
tion of all. He was immensely delighted with his new 
duties and confided to Lucile that he would always 
keep a place for her in his shiny brass heart as being 
the cause of his conversion into a Wise Idea. King 
Bil-Bil was present and accepted from the now happy 
King Danno the post of Governor of Right-Side-Up- 
With-Care-Land, as the domain of the former Topsy- 
Turvies would henceforth be called. 

Lucile was greatly pleased at the happiness of her 
good friends and felt that her visit to Why had been 
well worth while. As the night grew, however, she be- 
came aware that she was very tired and sleepy and that 
268 


THE END OF IT ALL 

she was becoming more and more anxious to see her 
parents, her home and her playmates. She had wit- 
nessed the marvelous scenes of the Kingdom of Why, 
she had saved the Purple City, she had rescued the 
Topsy-Turvies, had delivered the Sapient Sage from 
lonely exile and rendered happy King Danno, the 
Jester and Nic-Nac. She could do no more here. 
And she did so wish to see her mama knitting in the 
corner and her Daddy poring over the big, black books 
about oste — oste — osteology, or whatever it was. She 
had beheld so many strange things that she felt she 
would never need to bother him with questions any 
more. With these thoughts in her head, she ap- 
proached the Sage. 

“Please, Sir Sage, how can I get back to Chicago very 
soon ?” 

“Wise question,” decided Nic-Nac, “but a very sad 
one. For it must mean that Lucile is going to leave 
us.” 

“Send for the Cow-Jump-over-the-Moon,” com- 
manded the Sage; and within a few minutes the cow 
269 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

stood smiling and nodding before Lucile. Her back 
was sleek and shiny, her goggles and barograph pol- 
ished to a wonderful shimmer. Mounted upon both 
horns were the most powerful headlights. 

“All aboard!” sang out the cow. “Passengers for 
Atmosphere, Sunrise, Star Land, Earth, Chicago and 
all points homeward!” 

“This must be my cow-train,” laughed Lucile, “for 
I am bound for those points.” 

“All aboard !” repeated the cow. “Starlight Limited 
* — through service from the Purple City to Chicago, 
stopping at no way-stars, comets or stations. All 
aboard!” 

Lucile, with the assistance of the Jester, climbed into 
the red-plush seat, while Jupiter hopped up behind. 

“Good-by, Lucile!” called King Danno. “I am 
very happy in my new duties — thanks to you.” 

“Good-by, Lucile,” cried the Sage. “Pm glad you 
brought me home again. Come and see us some time.” 

“Good-by!” said the Idea, weeping gently. “But 
for you I should never have been wise and serious.” 


270 


THE END OF IT ALL 

“Nor should I have been funny. Good-by, Lucile 
and Jupiter,” spoke the Jester. 

“Good-by, Lucile and Jupiter!” shouted all. 
“Good-by. Come back soon. We’ll send the cow for 
you.” 



271 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

“Good-by, good friends,” answered Lucile and 
Jupiter, both much affected. 

“All aboard!” shouted the cow, and started forward. 
In another minute she was passing out of the palace 
gates, the farewells of the crowd following them. 
Then the cow touched a spring with her tongue and the 
top of the seat rolled up around Lucile and her goat. 

“You can go to sleep if you wish,” said the cow. 
“You will be perfectly safe.” 

“Good night,” said Lucile, drowsily. 

“Good night,” replied the cow, “and pleasant 
dreams.” 

The next thing Lucile knew, she was leaning from 
the kitchen window looking at Jupiter. She felt fresh 
and rested just as if she had not traveled hundreds of 
miles on a cow’s back. The stars were out and she 
wondered how the cow could have made the return 
trip before daylight, and why the friendly animal had 
departed without saying good-by. 

“Oh, Jupiter,” she cried, “let’s go in and see mama 
and Daddy!” 


272 


THE END OF IT ALL 

Jupiter said nothing, but followed her inside, 
munching a red tomato-can wrapper. In the front 
room, Mrs. Lawrence sat crocheting the same pattern 
at which she was working when Lucile had last seen 
her. In the big armchair, her Daddy still frowned 
over the book of oste — oste — osteology, or something 
like that. At Lucile’s entrance, they barely looked up, 
then went back to their work without taking the least 
notice of their little daughter. 

“Why, mama and Daddy!” cried Lucile, running 
and throwing her arms about the neck of first one and 
then the other. “Aren’t you glad to see me after Lve 
been gone so long?” 

‘'So long?” repeated her mother. “Why, child, 
weren’t you in here an hour or so ago? I thought you 
were next door playing with Antoinette. You said 
something about it this afternoon.” 

“Dear — dear — what is that child wanting to know 
now?” asked her Daddy. When Lucile crept over to 
him, he put his arm about her neck and patted her 


273 


THE KINGDOM OF WHY 

cheek. “Some of these days I’m going to take the time 
and answer every question you can think of,” he said 
gently. “I was really very busy a bit ago when you 
asked me about King Solomon and the moon.” 

“But, but — ” began Lucile. Then she stopped 
short and began to think. She knew that she had been 
in fairy realms of magic. While she was in the King- 
dom of Why, she realized that the wondrous magicians 
of that land had made the time very long to her, when 
it seemed very brief to her parents. In fact, she re- 
membered the Sapient Sage having pointed out the 
Land of Time away off to the right as they flew in the 
Aerial Torpedo back to the Purple City. And as her 
father was in the midst of a great word of fifteen or 
sixteen syllables and as her mother was busily crochet- 
ing, she decided she would not tell them of her won- 
derful adventures just now. A little later, when they 
had put aside their work and sleepy time was near, 
she would give them the whole wonderful story. So 
Lucile slipped over and kissed her mother on the right 
cheek and her Daddy on the left, because she was very, 


THE END OF IT ALL 

very glad to see them once more. Then she tiptoed 
out of the room. 

“Bless the child’s heart!” she heard her mother mur- 
mur. “Sometimes I think we don’t pay enough atten- 
tion to her.” 

“Yes,” she heard her father answer, “yes; that’s 
right. When I get rich and retire, I’m going to do 
nothing but play games with her and answer her ques- 
tions. But I wonder what she meant by saying she had 
been away so long.” 

“I don’t know,” replied her mother. 

Then Lucile slipped back into the kitchen and whis- 
pered wonderful things about the Purple City and the 
great bridge of the Rainbow and the Pink Pool of 
Dreams into Jupiter’s ear. Jupiter, it seemed, had lost 
his power of speech and could not whisper back about 
the new and glorious redness of all the world. 

But Jupiter knew. 

THE END 


275 












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